This week I met with 2 job candidates (who were both fantastic), went to 1 prospectus defense (also wonderful), had 2 conference calls (both very productive), advised two students about jobs and conference papers, taught twice (and was snowed out once), observed my TA teach once (she's awesome), went to a business meeting for an interdisciplinary group on campus (amazingly on topic for this group), ran lab meeting, attended 1 faculty meeting, spent Tuesday night on the phone with various people gushing about election results, attended our departmental colloquium (guest speaker, yeah!), helped see 1 subject (3 more canceled due to snow), met with an RA to design stimuli for a new project. And a few more things, I'm sure. The key point is I spent no time alone or in my office from 8-5 most days this week excepting office hours.
This is an unusually scheduled week for me. And on top of being heavily scheduled, it was very people oriented. Everything went really well. Everyone seemed mostly on the ball. But I came out of it feeling just a slight bit done with talking to people. Usually I get together with people tonight and I ended up declining. I have no special plans for this weekend (until church on Sun morning and small group Sun night). I'm tempted to attend a different church on Sunday just so that I can really not talk to anyone until Sun night (I won't for a variety of reasons, but it's tempting!).
Next week I am promising myself that Tuesday midday and Thursday all day are remaining free for ME time. (ME time = research writing projects, data analysis, and non-other-people-meetings).
I really am an introvert.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Imposter Syndrome: New York Times
The NY times has an article about Imposter Syndrome - something I've talked about and read about quite a lot here in the blogosphere
Psychology - Imposter Syndrome - Feeling Like a Fraud - New York Times
Okay, I can see that. It's all about managing expectations. But at the same time, how is that even in pseudonymous blogs we, as women, tend to project a profound lack of confidence about our abilities. (Not that there isn't an audience in a blog... but not in the same way. Not in the way that someone can actually evaluate your abilities on whatever it is that you have described about yourself). I wonder how the need to compete - the need to prove yourself - plays out differently in individuals who have been encouraged to have self confidence and speak up for themselves and those who have been encouraged to be self-effacing. How does self-effacement change the expectations that we set for ourselves and the goals we try to acheive? How much more could we accomplish if we gave up saying we were incompetent and just did it?
Okay, I can see that. It's all about managing expectations.
Psychology - Imposter Syndrome - Feeling Like a Fraud - New York Times
Social psychologists have studied what they call the impostor phenomenon since at least the 1970s, when a pair of therapists at Georgia State University used the phrase to describe the internal experience of a group of high-achieving women who had a secret sense they were not as capable as others thought. Since then researchers have documented such fears in adults of all ages, as well as adolescents.Imposter syndrome seems to be gender specific. The article reports that women are more likely to do this than men. And that this syndrome leads to a higher degree of competition - a sense of not wanting to fail - an over compensation if you will.
Two Purdue psychologists, Shamala Kumar and Carolyn M. Jagacinski, gave 135 college students a series of questionnaires, measuring anxiety level, impostor feelings and approach to academic goals. They found that women who scored highly also reported a strong desire to show that they could do better than others. They competed harder.The interesting finding, to me, is that with an audience people tend to understimate their abilities and that without one, people tend to overestimate. So Imposter Syndrome is a response to being judged. Being noticed. Not a personality trait, and not necessarily a true reflection of abilities.By contrast, men who scored highly on the impostor scale showed more desire to avoid contests in areas where they felt vulnerable. “The motivation was to avoid doing poorly, looking weak,” Dr. Jagacinski said.
In short, the researchers concluded, many self-styled impostors are phony phonies: they adopt self-deprecation as a social strategy, consciously or not, and are secretly more confident than they let on.
“Particularly when people think that they might not be able to live up to others’ views of them, they may maintain that they are not as good as other people think,” Dr. Mark Leary, the lead author, wrote in an e-mail message. “In this way, they lower others’ expectations — and get credit for being humble.”
Okay, I can see that. It's all about managing expectations. But at the same time, how is that even in pseudonymous blogs we, as women, tend to project a profound lack of confidence about our abilities. (Not that there isn't an audience in a blog... but not in the same way. Not in the way that someone can actually evaluate your abilities on whatever it is that you have described about yourself). I wonder how the need to compete - the need to prove yourself - plays out differently in individuals who have been encouraged to have self confidence and speak up for themselves and those who have been encouraged to be self-effacing. How does self-effacement change the expectations that we set for ourselves and the goals we try to acheive? How much more could we accomplish if we gave up saying we were incompetent and just did it?
Okay, I can see that. It's all about managing expectations.
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Super Tuesday
Oh my goodness. I do have a preference, but things are so very very close that it's driving me nuts. I just want to know. Even if it's not who I want, I'd like a clear winner. Everything's close and this proportional vote thing might be fair but it means that actually counting delegates is hard (even though the tv is trying). Precise numbers are needed to really count. I'm glad to see that the main division in the dems is a generational divide and not a racial one and I hope that continues to be true tomorrow and into the future. I hope that the dems continue to hang together and this doesn't turn bitter or abrasive in a way that splits the party. I'm hopeful because everyone I've spoken to seems to be talking about how tough it was to pick. Because they all were good.
The one good thing is that the republicans seem to be still hashing it out too. I wonder if a McCain/Huckabee ticket would crash and burn or would reunite the republican party.
The one good thing is that the republicans seem to be still hashing it out too. I wonder if a McCain/Huckabee ticket would crash and burn or would reunite the republican party.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
Why do you teach [Applied Library Science] and how is academic freedom important to that effort?
As usual, I'm a little late to the party. I'm responding to a meme started by Dr. Crazy and continued by many many people who are mostly all listed here. Like Dr. Freeride the reasons why I teach vary according to the class itself.
My course load* consists of Introduction to Information Systems from a Users perspective - A large undergraduate survey course that is required for our major and also meets gen ed requirements, Advanced Applied Card Cataloging - a highly applied graduate course that is an elective and is outside my major research focus**, and Intro to Applied Librarianship - a graduate class that every student has to take in conjunction with their first practicum experience in a library. I teach the didactic part; their supervisors teach the applied part. Every other year I teach a graduate seminar on a topic of my choice, usually theoretical epistomology.
One answer which would be flip and not entirely true (but not entirely false) is that I teach because it is a job requirement and necessary in order for me to be employed in a way that allows me to do my research***.
Introduction to Information Systems from a Users perspective
This is a survey course and basically I get to spend 1-2 weeks on each major topic and by the end I feel like everyone knows just enough about everything to be dangerous. My unique stamp on this course is that I use it to introduce students to ways of thinking about things. I think (I hope?) that our understanding of how individuals develop mental structures to store information and access/apply that information in everyday life will change as these students continue through their professional lives. With that in mind, what I really want students to learn in this class is how to be good consumers of information. There are a few key things that I think they need to learn (because if they don't they'll be clueless in the future and it will reflect badly on our program) but really I want them to learn to approach research and research design well and be good consumers of information so that they can design useful ways of delivering that information in whatever format it is in.
Academic freedom is important in this class because it allows me to choose how to deliver the material (as lecture/as research articles) and choose which epistomology theories I want to highlight. I'd have a hard time teaching some theories with a straight face.
Advanced Applied Card Cataloging - In principle this is the 2nd course students take in this area, but in reality the only students who take it are those who haven't satisfied the requisite number of organizational classes in their undergrad. A few students do just love the topic and enroll though. The students are in their final semester of classes so they think they know what they need to know and want you to only teach them those things.
So I have a real mix of students and abilities and interest levels in this class. We do lots of problem sets. Where would you shelve THIS book? Given these filing numbers from an unknown library, discern the cataloging system being used and apply it to a new item. I truly teach this because it's assigned to me. I try to teach the students to see patterns more than anything else. When I have the opportunity I try to stretch them to think about things that they might not NEED to know, but will allow them to think in more flexible ways or approach a cataloging problem in a creative manner.
I'm not sure how academic freedom influences this class. It's something I just do and the current state of the theory is such that I just present it and they practice til they can do it. It's like elementary math - practice, practice, practice! Perhaps if this were actually the 2nd class for these students and/or they had an instructor who specialized in this area it would be less practice and more theory oriented and this would all matter. I'll have to puzzle over this a bit more.
Intro to Applied Librarianship This class is probably the one in which academic freedom matters the most to me. I was given a list of (rather disjointed) topics to cover and I organized them into as sensible a manner as I could imagine. Basically it's a class for everything that people think the students need to know but don't actually want to cover in their own classes.
Academic freedom allows me to emphasize things like, say selection of library materials and materials organization, over more practical information like, sharing materials with users. Again, it means I can put my own spin on the details and can help students to approach problems in a variety of ways. I'm still refining this class, but I do think that this class, of all of them, is the one that I've put my own stamp on. I try very hard to stick with the topics I'm supposed to cover but at the same time I try to stretch it to highlight the areas I think are important.
*I am clearly not a real librarian and I am making these course titles up. I am not sure if this cover really works, but it is what it is.
**Someone more senior than me teaches both the required and elective courses that are immediately in my area.
***As I read over the posts about why teaching, I realize that I'm very much in the right place for me - a research intensive university where I can expect my teaching to reduce as I get grants. I don't have the passion for it that others seem to. That said, I try to be good at it and constantly improving. And I do have clear ideas of what I want students to know and be able to do at the end of my courses, even if I am not passionate about the process. I take lots of ideas from other teachers - like how to effectively use small groups to support discussion, giving regular/limited feedback on writing up in a large class, speed dating for research proposals, and use of in class problem sets/examples. Nonetheless I struggle to create chemistry in a classroom and would just as soon skip the whole process if I could.
My course load* consists of Introduction to Information Systems from a Users perspective - A large undergraduate survey course that is required for our major and also meets gen ed requirements, Advanced Applied Card Cataloging - a highly applied graduate course that is an elective and is outside my major research focus**, and Intro to Applied Librarianship - a graduate class that every student has to take in conjunction with their first practicum experience in a library. I teach the didactic part; their supervisors teach the applied part. Every other year I teach a graduate seminar on a topic of my choice, usually theoretical epistomology.
One answer which would be flip and not entirely true (but not entirely false) is that I teach because it is a job requirement and necessary in order for me to be employed in a way that allows me to do my research***.
Introduction to Information Systems from a Users perspective
This is a survey course and basically I get to spend 1-2 weeks on each major topic and by the end I feel like everyone knows just enough about everything to be dangerous. My unique stamp on this course is that I use it to introduce students to ways of thinking about things. I think (I hope?) that our understanding of how individuals develop mental structures to store information and access/apply that information in everyday life will change as these students continue through their professional lives. With that in mind, what I really want students to learn in this class is how to be good consumers of information. There are a few key things that I think they need to learn (because if they don't they'll be clueless in the future and it will reflect badly on our program) but really I want them to learn to approach research and research design well and be good consumers of information so that they can design useful ways of delivering that information in whatever format it is in.
Academic freedom is important in this class because it allows me to choose how to deliver the material (as lecture/as research articles) and choose which epistomology theories I want to highlight. I'd have a hard time teaching some theories with a straight face.
Advanced Applied Card Cataloging - In principle this is the 2nd course students take in this area, but in reality the only students who take it are those who haven't satisfied the requisite number of organizational classes in their undergrad. A few students do just love the topic and enroll though. The students are in their final semester of classes so they think they know what they need to know and want you to only teach them those things.
So I have a real mix of students and abilities and interest levels in this class. We do lots of problem sets. Where would you shelve THIS book? Given these filing numbers from an unknown library, discern the cataloging system being used and apply it to a new item. I truly teach this because it's assigned to me. I try to teach the students to see patterns more than anything else. When I have the opportunity I try to stretch them to think about things that they might not NEED to know, but will allow them to think in more flexible ways or approach a cataloging problem in a creative manner.
I'm not sure how academic freedom influences this class. It's something I just do and the current state of the theory is such that I just present it and they practice til they can do it. It's like elementary math - practice, practice, practice! Perhaps if this were actually the 2nd class for these students and/or they had an instructor who specialized in this area it would be less practice and more theory oriented and this would all matter. I'll have to puzzle over this a bit more.
Intro to Applied Librarianship This class is probably the one in which academic freedom matters the most to me. I was given a list of (rather disjointed) topics to cover and I organized them into as sensible a manner as I could imagine. Basically it's a class for everything that people think the students need to know but don't actually want to cover in their own classes.
Academic freedom allows me to emphasize things like, say selection of library materials and materials organization, over more practical information like, sharing materials with users. Again, it means I can put my own spin on the details and can help students to approach problems in a variety of ways. I'm still refining this class, but I do think that this class, of all of them, is the one that I've put my own stamp on. I try very hard to stick with the topics I'm supposed to cover but at the same time I try to stretch it to highlight the areas I think are important.
*I am clearly not a real librarian and I am making these course titles up. I am not sure if this cover really works, but it is what it is.
**Someone more senior than me teaches both the required and elective courses that are immediately in my area.
***As I read over the posts about why teaching, I realize that I'm very much in the right place for me - a research intensive university where I can expect my teaching to reduce as I get grants. I don't have the passion for it that others seem to. That said, I try to be good at it and constantly improving. And I do have clear ideas of what I want students to know and be able to do at the end of my courses, even if I am not passionate about the process. I take lots of ideas from other teachers - like how to effectively use small groups to support discussion, giving regular/limited feedback on writing up in a large class, speed dating for research proposals, and use of in class problem sets/examples. Nonetheless I struggle to create chemistry in a classroom and would just as soon skip the whole process if I could.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Jan Goals - Recap
Since it's snowing so hard that I can't make it to the super bowl party I had planned to attend, it seems like a good time to claim for catching up on blogs and self reflection.
I made some progress on Jan. goals - all the teaching preparation ones and one of the writing ones got checked off. The other writing one was too big to be managable so I've broken it into smaller bits. Hopefully I can cross off two smaller bits this month and then the rest will fall into place. Unfortunately the data collection and personal ones lagged a bit. The MS student bailing and lack of clarity on data interpretation for the collaborative project really mean I won't be taking anything to the intimate summer conference in the upper midwest. But I should have tons for the national convention in the fall. Such is life.
I was fantastic at menus and groceries and dishes while classes were on break but not at all good once things started. I made homemade mac & cheese, apricot pork chops, white bean, sausage, & spinach caserole, tilapia with curry sauce, and a winter squash soup. And I also ate stuff in the freezer - chicken cacciatore and raviolis. The tilapia was unexpectedly fantastic; the apricot pork chops I won't be making again - they were dull. I've still been eating well since school started because I had enough stuff in the freezer, but I haven't been restocking it at all. And this last week I drifted amazing close to junk (apple caramel bites from sonic) even though I had stuff for a crock pot meal at home. Hopefully I'm back on top of things this week since I went shopping and have stuff for roast chicken chimichangas, chicken caccatore and tilapia with orange glaze. I wonder if Sunday posts on upcoming/completed meals would be a fun way to keep motivated. I divided this all up into weekly to dos because again, monthly it's easy to loose track of what needs done.
The personal ones happened for the most part - my photo class has begun and I'm being more creative; I've been volunteering semi-weekly with the local homeless shelter; I did better about being in touch with far flung friends. But I think the weekly phone calls/regular letters to someone were the toughest to accomplish and will be the hardest to keep up. It's not that I don't want to connect with these people but our schedules seem not to overlap as much as I'd like.
So I've added in an updated list for feb. And I'm starting the month with a clean slate. Hopefully I can get through most of it. I'm skeptical a bit because we have a search on and feb. is short. But I'll try. And some is better than none.
I made some progress on Jan. goals - all the teaching preparation ones and one of the writing ones got checked off. The other writing one was too big to be managable so I've broken it into smaller bits. Hopefully I can cross off two smaller bits this month and then the rest will fall into place. Unfortunately the data collection and personal ones lagged a bit. The MS student bailing and lack of clarity on data interpretation for the collaborative project really mean I won't be taking anything to the intimate summer conference in the upper midwest. But I should have tons for the national convention in the fall. Such is life.
I was fantastic at menus and groceries and dishes while classes were on break but not at all good once things started. I made homemade mac & cheese, apricot pork chops, white bean, sausage, & spinach caserole, tilapia with curry sauce, and a winter squash soup. And I also ate stuff in the freezer - chicken cacciatore and raviolis. The tilapia was unexpectedly fantastic; the apricot pork chops I won't be making again - they were dull. I've still been eating well since school started because I had enough stuff in the freezer, but I haven't been restocking it at all. And this last week I drifted amazing close to junk (apple caramel bites from sonic) even though I had stuff for a crock pot meal at home. Hopefully I'm back on top of things this week since I went shopping and have stuff for roast chicken chimichangas, chicken caccatore and tilapia with orange glaze. I wonder if Sunday posts on upcoming/completed meals would be a fun way to keep motivated. I divided this all up into weekly to dos because again, monthly it's easy to loose track of what needs done.
The personal ones happened for the most part - my photo class has begun and I'm being more creative; I've been volunteering semi-weekly with the local homeless shelter; I did better about being in touch with far flung friends. But I think the weekly phone calls/regular letters to someone were the toughest to accomplish and will be the hardest to keep up. It's not that I don't want to connect with these people but our schedules seem not to overlap as much as I'd like.
So I've added in an updated list for feb. And I'm starting the month with a clean slate. Hopefully I can get through most of it. I'm skeptical a bit because we have a search on and feb. is short. But I'll try. And some is better than none.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Global Warming
Even though it's Jan and we've had the worst winter in all the years I've lived in the midwest, I can believe in Global Warming. We went from 40F to -10F in a 5 hr period. Crazy crazy weather.
Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays: Sophie's World
I'm discussing this book because of the description of The Gum Thief over here I have no idea why I picked up Sophie's World by Jostein Gaarder, but I'm glad I did. The book is a textbook of philosophy hidden inside a novel. Sophie - the girl in the novel - starts getting lessons by mail. The usually lead with a small question and then she gets a much heavier answer to the question later. Eventually she meets her tutor and they embark on a quest to answer a question. The philosophy lessons are really a historical review but the presentation keeps it engaging and relevant. The plot novel itself - Sophie trying to identify her tutor - really isn't all that fascinating at the beginning, except that it does a great job of illustrating the philosophical concepts in 'real' life. Eventually Sophie has to apply her philosophy lessons in order to determine the answer to questions about her own life and at that point the book does turn into a bit more of a page turner. Even though the book seems written for 5th graders or so in terms of writing style and plot, but the philosophy questions increase in complexity and eventually got pretty complex for me. Saying more would give away plot points, but it was a very nice way to approach a topic I'd like to know more about (philosophy). It's a clever book and worth a read if you like Meta-style books. Gaarder's other book, The Solitaire Mystery, is more subtle but has a very similar style.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Overwhelmed
Here's what my weekend was like:
Saturday
7:30 wake up
9-10 prep for RA training
10-1 RA training
1-1:30 chat with doc student/clean up
1:30 beautiful day so come home and walk my dog for an hour. Take pictures that I can't seem to post on Blogger for who knows why
3:00 shower, smidge of house work
4:00 pick up dinner, go back to work to finalize syllabus & lecture
8:30 come home, laundry, futz on computer, pack bag for tomorrow
11:00ish bed
3:30 am - my dog is barking (at ???)
Sunday
6:30 get up & dress
7:30 meet church person
8:30 church
9:45 kayak lessons til 12:30
1:00 shower/eat/email/nap til 3:00
3:00-4:00 dress/laundry/dog walking
4:00-6:00 pick up dinner, go back to work & code data for phone conf. tomorrow
6:00-7:00 still at work/prep for bible study
7:00-9:45 bible study
10:00 home (laundry, blogging)
One thing I know about myself is that I need a day of rest in order to go into the week feeling good. Even though some of the stuff this weekend was all about me (kayaking), I feel like I was a bit over scheduled. I certainly could have been more efficient about some things (not napping as long, bed earlier on Sat.) But I do know myself well enough to know that sleep is critical to my mental functioning. And I feel as if I put in nearly a day and a half's worth of work this weekend. Ordinarily working this hard on the weekend would compute to taking a half day off next week just to catch up on life & to make my dog feel loved. But here's what is still left to do (tomorrow):
Read student's attempts at responding to reviews (meeting with student at 2:30)
Code 2 more kids' data (before conference call at 11)
Within that, I Lecture in Class 1 (written, just need to do it) at 10
Lecture in Class 2 (written, but need to review/prepare) at 3:30
Have office hours from 1:30-2:30.
Wash last week's dishes
Fold (now clean) laundry
Grocery shop
Walk my dog
The rest of the week looks similar - wrap up house details, first round of job candidates, starting a new task with new RAs, supervising doctoral student's new RAs while he is off interviewing. I usually gaurd my time well, but this is a bit overwhelming.
Saturday
7:30 wake up
9-10 prep for RA training
10-1 RA training
1-1:30 chat with doc student/clean up
1:30 beautiful day so come home and walk my dog for an hour. Take pictures that I can't seem to post on Blogger for who knows why
3:00 shower, smidge of house work
4:00 pick up dinner, go back to work to finalize syllabus & lecture
8:30 come home, laundry, futz on computer, pack bag for tomorrow
11:00ish bed
3:30 am - my dog is barking (at ???)
Sunday
6:30 get up & dress
7:30 meet church person
8:30 church
9:45 kayak lessons til 12:30
1:00 shower/eat/email/nap til 3:00
3:00-4:00 dress/laundry/dog walking
4:00-6:00 pick up dinner, go back to work & code data for phone conf. tomorrow
6:00-7:00 still at work/prep for bible study
7:00-9:45 bible study
10:00 home (laundry, blogging)
One thing I know about myself is that I need a day of rest in order to go into the week feeling good. Even though some of the stuff this weekend was all about me (kayaking), I feel like I was a bit over scheduled. I certainly could have been more efficient about some things (not napping as long, bed earlier on Sat.) But I do know myself well enough to know that sleep is critical to my mental functioning. And I feel as if I put in nearly a day and a half's worth of work this weekend. Ordinarily working this hard on the weekend would compute to taking a half day off next week just to catch up on life & to make my dog feel loved. But here's what is still left to do (tomorrow):
Read student's attempts at responding to reviews (meeting with student at 2:30)
Code 2 more kids' data (before conference call at 11)
Within that, I Lecture in Class 1 (written, just need to do it) at 10
Lecture in Class 2 (written, but need to review/prepare) at 3:30
Have office hours from 1:30-2:30.
Wash last week's dishes
Fold (now clean) laundry
Grocery shop
Walk my dog
The rest of the week looks similar - wrap up house details, first round of job candidates, starting a new task with new RAs, supervising doctoral student's new RAs while he is off interviewing. I usually gaurd my time well, but this is a bit overwhelming.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Happiness
| You Are 68% Happy |
 You are a very happy person. Generally, you feel content and that all is right with the world. Occasionally, you have a down day - but you have the ability to pick yourself right back up. |
How Happy Are You?
In the last week I've seen several articles about a gallup poll that claims that married people are 10% happier or more satisfied with their lives than single people. Depending on where I read it, the cause and the effect get mixed around. Anyway, I can see why married people might be more satisfied overall. A long while ago I read things about how everyone has a happiness 'set point' and you have to really work in order to change how content you are overall with life.
In my foray into online dating, one of the common questions is "Are you content with your life now? What would you change?" Well, duh. I'm not content - that's why I'm doing online dating. I can't imagine any truly content person would put themselves through that. It's like rejection by computer.
But really, I am pretty content, with the exception of the personal relationship part. I like where I live. I like my job. I have a solid group of friends. I would like to think that a relationship would make me more content, but then I read in the blogosphere about all the people who are struggling to make job and location compromises work. I wonder if I would be more satisfied with my personal life but less so with my job or something and would end up at the same place.
In my foray into online dating, one of the common questions is "Are you content with your life now? What would you change?" Well, duh. I'm not content - that's why I'm doing online dating. I can't imagine any truly content person would put themselves through that. It's like rejection by computer.
But really, I am pretty content, with the exception of the personal relationship part. I like where I live. I like my job. I have a solid group of friends. I would like to think that a relationship would make me more content, but then I read in the blogosphere about all the people who are struggling to make job and location compromises work. I wonder if I would be more satisfied with my personal life but less so with my job or something and would end up at the same place.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Neighborliness
I have an 8 am morning meeting once a week. Not so bad, except that ideally I leave the house an hour before then so I'm truly in and settled in and ready to go before things start. So to be ready, I shoveled the walk the night before. Not hard work shoveling. Just shoveling a light powder. 5 inches of it. Make life easier and speed things up for the next morning.
So I went to bed and got up, got dressed, and 30 minutes before my meeting I'm locking up and heading out the door. And it looked like I hadn't done a darn thing. 5 more inches of snow. Not that it snowed 10 inches, but wind and drifting and all that. So I turned the car on and got out the shovel and in my dress pants and heels I'm out there shoveling a shovel width path in my sidewalk. I'll finish it when I get home.
And when I got home - Someone had shoveled my entire walk! Fantastic. I have no idea who. Perhaps the same person who shoveled for me when it snowed 18inches over Christmas break. I wish I knew who to thank. I guess maybe I like my neighbors.
So I went to bed and got up, got dressed, and 30 minutes before my meeting I'm locking up and heading out the door. And it looked like I hadn't done a darn thing. 5 more inches of snow. Not that it snowed 10 inches, but wind and drifting and all that. So I turned the car on and got out the shovel and in my dress pants and heels I'm out there shoveling a shovel width path in my sidewalk. I'll finish it when I get home.
And when I got home - Someone had shoveled my entire walk! Fantastic. I have no idea who. Perhaps the same person who shoveled for me when it snowed 18inches over Christmas break. I wish I knew who to thank. I guess maybe I like my neighbors.
Class Meme
1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college (with an MA, when I was in 10th grade)
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor. (My granddad was a professor. Before that he was an accountant. He went back to school at age 40 to get his PhD. More telling is my dad's family. His dad was a Vet Both my grandmothers had Masters degrees and my mom's mom was ABD in home economics...)
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home. (No, but we spent a lot of time at the library, so I certainly read more than 500 books).
9. Were read children's books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 (I had tumbling lessons and gymnastics because it was cheaper than physical therapy following a head injury as a toddler).
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 (Only because of the going away to college at 16 thing)
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs (Can you say scholarships?)
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school (Sort of - a collapse of college and high school into two years)
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels (Yes but only while my dad WORKED for the hotels…)
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them (By the time I was 16,my parents could have afforded it, but believed we should earn our own cars so we learned to value them).
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child (There was no art in my house that I recall aside from my mother's quilts)
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home (yes if this means had a mortgage).
25. You had your own room as a child
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up Science/history museums only. Not art.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family
It's interesting because I am very aware that my family is upper middle class now. But I think in large part because my mom stayed home with us and my dad worked food service jobs (which pay shit) we were lower middle class most of my early growing up - like until I was 10-12 or so. I know I wore hand me downs no matter what. We didn't have more than 1 TV and we got a hand me down computer when I was in 7th grade. A big deal gift in middle school was a radio for christmas that had a built in tape deck. I think it was the first radio we owned not-in-a-car. We had two cars because my dad commuted, but the second one was always a real clunker. My parents didn't argue about money in front of us (my parents didn't argue in front of us period) but we ate a lot of food that was stretching the budget food - Pancakes for dinner. Canned things from the garden. Broccoli and rice casserole where you had the rice and the broccoli earlier in the week. We went to girl scout camp in the summer in large part because it was cheap child care. Vacations were camping. Staying in a hotel happened when my dad started working for a hotel chain, but even then it was in the off season.
I'm not sure what happened but around 6th-8th grade, my family's situation changed significantly as far as money goes. My mom went back to school. We bought a (rather nice) house. Summer opportunities changed and became more plentiful. New clothes for school were okay. We still economized. But not in the same way. There were many more choices available to us in terms of extra curriculars and we were encouraged to take advantage of them instead of blowing them off.
The interesting thing about this to me is that my dad still views education as a vocational training experience. Even though his parents and my mom's parents were both highly educated. And even though we started from a point of privilege. You don't assume that will be what comes your way. You go to college to get an education so you can get a job. A job is being a manager. Or a teacher. Or a doctor. Or a mechanic. Or a vet. But not really a professor. or writer. or foreign aid worker. You go to museums to learn things. But not to appreciate art. You buy things because they are functional, not because they are pretty (or new or cool or...). It's clear to me that my dad sees value in my sister's job as a physician but not in my job as a professor (aside from the teaching aspects of my job). Don't get me wrong, he's proud of both of us. And he likes being able to say that we have three doctors in the family (my sister's husband is also a physician). But he just doesn't quite get that knowledge creation is a product too.
Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays: Water for Elephants
Well, I read this a while ago. A book a week is a bit more than I can keep up with during the semester. But I think I can review a book a week for a while based on backlog of books read this year.
I read this on the airplane on the way home in August. Our local independent bookstore owner recommended it when I asked him for an "airplane book" to read for the trip. (An airplane book, as far as I'm concerned has nothing to do with aviation and everything to do with being engaging and interruptible).
Anyway, this book is set with a circus in the great depression, but is really a murder mystery. I'm not sure how to talk about a mystery without giving up the plot, but the story is series of modern day encounters in a nursing home linked to reminiscences triggered by the main character's conversations with a nurse. I liked the style of the story - the plot moved things along and the switching perspectives kept me engaged - and I liked that I couldn't solve the mystery in advance. A bonus. Anyway, a light book. Totally enjoyable, but not anything deep.
The definition of an introvert
So a friend and I were talking about the Myers-Briggs Personality scales. I'm skeptical of my own performance on all test things like this because I know to much about test design. Nonetheless I consistently score IN+two other letters (either TJ or FJ or TP - never FP) depending on my mood while taking the test. Does that mean I'm really INTJ? Anyway....I was complaining about how what I want to do and what I've learned to do are different and so I didn't know how to answer the questions... This friend said that he think of the Introvert/Extrovert distinction as a measure of where you get your energy. If you come away from large group events energized and revved up you are an E. If you come away exhausted and get your energy from one on one or individual activities you are an I.
Well, if there was any doubt, I know at the end of a teaching day that I am an Introvert. I am exhausted. It's not the mental exercise involved in prep. It's not that there were problems. It's that I am worn out by the performance aspect of it. I think this makes me a mediocre teacher because I don't really enjoy the part about standing in front of 100 students and talking. It's not stage fright exactly. Well, maybe sort of. I wish I knew how to overcome it though and really get into the acting part. I wish I liked talking at a room full of people.
Anyway, the semester is truly under way. And I'm exhausted on Day 2.
Well, if there was any doubt, I know at the end of a teaching day that I am an Introvert. I am exhausted. It's not the mental exercise involved in prep. It's not that there were problems. It's that I am worn out by the performance aspect of it. I think this makes me a mediocre teacher because I don't really enjoy the part about standing in front of 100 students and talking. It's not stage fright exactly. Well, maybe sort of. I wish I knew how to overcome it though and really get into the acting part. I wish I liked talking at a room full of people.
Anyway, the semester is truly under way. And I'm exhausted on Day 2.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
National Blog for Choice Day
As seen at Rev Dr. Mom's. I saw an article in the local paper yesterday reviewing the demographics associated with abortion *and they estimate that 1/3 of all women have had an abortion at some point. 1/3! Wow! The point of the article was actually abortion as a race-based civil rights issue (which seems to have merit) but I couldn't get past 1/3 of all women have had an abortion (and most were over age 25 when it happened). As a personal choice, abortion is so far beyond what I can fathom as a personal choice that it seems crazy to me to think that if I'm sitting in a car full of women, 1 or 2 of the other 5 women has likely had an abortion. If a friend came to me and asked for counsel on this topic, I would mostly encourage her to seek information on adoption. Having walked with friends down a path of serious disability associated with the fetus, I would say that carrying to term can be a blessing despite what one might think.
Nonetheless, I recognize that the reasons why abortion is beyond me have much to do with the sort of environment and economic class and support system available to me. What if I didn't have the job security that I have? What if I didn't have the family support that I have? What if I didn't have health care? What if I was functioning in an abusive environment? What if I was still in school and having a child would limit/eliminate the educational opportunities available to me? What if I didn't think I could raise a child well in the world I was living in? What if I didn't know enough to navigate the options of adoption? What if I was certain that my child would be born with a debilitating disease? What if?
Beyond these speculative reasons, the real reason why I favor choice is that I don't believe that banning abortion will lead to fewer abortions. Mostly I think that banning abortion leads to less safe abortions. Fundamentally, giving birth - or having an abortion - is a life changing decision that should reside with one person. The woman involved. No other decision is likely to have such significant repurcusions on an individual's life. No other individual should have the right to interfere with that decision. I can't imagine anyone taking this lightly and I can't imagine having to do it in fear for my life.
So, I'm anti-abortion, but pro-choice. I'm pro-free-birth-control-pills and condom distribution programs. I'm pro fully informative sex ed classes and pro state funded adoption programs. I'm pro-CHIP and pro-WIC. I'm pro state supported child care and pro job training programs. I pray that I never live in a country where my reproductive choices are made by someone else and I pray that I never am in a position to have to face such a decision.
* this isn't the link to the AP article, but it's an interesting document that matches the stats they showed. I need to investigate this political organization more to determine if it is some whacked out religious thing or a reasonable perspective on the world.
Nonetheless, I recognize that the reasons why abortion is beyond me have much to do with the sort of environment and economic class and support system available to me. What if I didn't have the job security that I have? What if I didn't have the family support that I have? What if I didn't have health care? What if I was functioning in an abusive environment? What if I was still in school and having a child would limit/eliminate the educational opportunities available to me? What if I didn't think I could raise a child well in the world I was living in? What if I didn't know enough to navigate the options of adoption? What if I was certain that my child would be born with a debilitating disease? What if?
Beyond these speculative reasons, the real reason why I favor choice is that I don't believe that banning abortion will lead to fewer abortions. Mostly I think that banning abortion leads to less safe abortions. Fundamentally, giving birth - or having an abortion - is a life changing decision that should reside with one person. The woman involved. No other decision is likely to have such significant repurcusions on an individual's life. No other individual should have the right to interfere with that decision. I can't imagine anyone taking this lightly and I can't imagine having to do it in fear for my life.
So, I'm anti-abortion, but pro-choice. I'm pro-free-birth-control-pills and condom distribution programs. I'm pro fully informative sex ed classes and pro state funded adoption programs. I'm pro-CHIP and pro-WIC. I'm pro state supported child care and pro job training programs. I pray that I never live in a country where my reproductive choices are made by someone else and I pray that I never am in a position to have to face such a decision.
* this isn't the link to the AP article, but it's an interesting document that matches the stats they showed. I need to investigate this political organization more to determine if it is some whacked out religious thing or a reasonable perspective on the world.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Self-Discipline
So Bonhoffer is not one to pull any punches. The last two chapters my small group read were about self-discipline (Fasting) and Anxiety. It's too much to think about both right now. But the self-discipline one ties in well with my theme for the year (actually anxiety goes with self-acceptance a bit too nicely to be comfortable....). Anyway, self-discipline. The chapter starts by assuming that we fast. Well, I've never really done that. *squirm*.
But if I look over most of the things I resolved to do they are all easy things that just take focus. Self-discipline. Some of the things I actually know go together easily for me. For instance:
clean kitchen = more likely to cook
exercise time = prayer time
And yet I seem to keep procrastinating both of those. I've done better on the clean kitchen (and the cooking) part. But the exercise and prayer pieces still elude me. In truth neither of these things is so bad once I get started. But I hate getting started. Even for the dishes - as long as no more than 1 coffee cup is in the sink I can stay on top of it. But as soon as I let another dish sit there it becomes a BIG DEAL to do the dishes. And so then I don't. And more accumulate. And then I avoid the kitchen to avoid the mess. Anyway....
School officially starts tomorrow. Which means it's really time for me to settle into a routine for the semester. And it would be good if that routine included exercise. It's been cold (like -10F cold) so walking outside hasn't been an option. I need a plan for exercising indoors (exercise video? gym?). If exercising indoors involves leaving my house I also need a plan for my dog to be let out and exercised as well. I know this is only a 2 month problem or so. But that is a long time to let the exercise thing go, especially since it also impacts my spiritual life. Maybe I should add a stop by the sporting goods store to my list for the day and seek a good 30 minute work out video.
Oh, and in the scheme of keeping/not keeping resolutions - I have a volunteer activity I'm satisfied with until March. Then I'll have to find something new. But my photography class sounds like it's going to be canceled due to low enrollment. Boohoo.
But if I look over most of the things I resolved to do they are all easy things that just take focus. Self-discipline. Some of the things I actually know go together easily for me. For instance:
clean kitchen = more likely to cook
exercise time = prayer time
And yet I seem to keep procrastinating both of those. I've done better on the clean kitchen (and the cooking) part. But the exercise and prayer pieces still elude me. In truth neither of these things is so bad once I get started. But I hate getting started. Even for the dishes - as long as no more than 1 coffee cup is in the sink I can stay on top of it. But as soon as I let another dish sit there it becomes a BIG DEAL to do the dishes. And so then I don't. And more accumulate. And then I avoid the kitchen to avoid the mess. Anyway....
School officially starts tomorrow. Which means it's really time for me to settle into a routine for the semester. And it would be good if that routine included exercise. It's been cold (like -10F cold) so walking outside hasn't been an option. I need a plan for exercising indoors (exercise video? gym?). If exercising indoors involves leaving my house I also need a plan for my dog to be let out and exercised as well. I know this is only a 2 month problem or so. But that is a long time to let the exercise thing go, especially since it also impacts my spiritual life. Maybe I should add a stop by the sporting goods store to my list for the day and seek a good 30 minute work out video.
Oh, and in the scheme of keeping/not keeping resolutions - I have a volunteer activity I'm satisfied with until March. Then I'll have to find something new. But my photography class sounds like it's going to be canceled due to low enrollment. Boohoo.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Pride/Insecurity III
This is the third post out of a series. The first and second can be found here.
So I'm up for third year review this year. Which means putting together all of my materials so that others can judge whether I am on track or not. I think this is a pass/fail event with a low bar (as opposed to tenure which is a pass/fail event with a high bar). Even so, the fact that this is tied to contract renewal and review of my record outside of my dept. makes me more nervous than usual about these reviews (we're reviewed annually as untenured professors).
Although I'm pretty sanguine about the review process in terms of journal articles and grants*, I really hate being judged and evaluated at this level. Like Bright Star, I think that my insecurities surrounding this process perhaps push me too far into self-focus mode. One piece of a conversation I had with another junior faculty member is a discomfort with the truthfulness of the feedback we get. It's one thing to get positive or negative feedback that then you can use to improve for next year. It's another thing though when you go through this process and seriously question whether people are telling you the truth about the areas you need to work on.
Another asst. professor thinks she's receiving consistently positive feedback. But this doesn't always match what I hear in the department scuttlebutt. So this serves to make me question my own feedback. Did they REALLY tell me where I need to work on? Or are they keeping things from me? It doesn't seem in the department's best interest to spring something on me three year hence, but at the same time, it's awkward to criticize someone you work with on a regular basis.
The review process feels like a decision about whether I am successful as a professor. In truth, I am willing to work so hard for this job and no harder. If they don't like what I'm doing then I'll go find something else to do or at least go do what I'm doing here somewhere else. If I'm not successful here under these circumstances, I'll find a way to be successful elsewhere. Is that reliance on my own self? Is that pride? Is that self-centeredness?
* I feel like I clearly pass the low bar of contract renewal. I'm not as confident about the higher bar of tenure, but I guess that's why I have 2.5 more years to get there.
So I'm up for third year review this year. Which means putting together all of my materials so that others can judge whether I am on track or not. I think this is a pass/fail event with a low bar (as opposed to tenure which is a pass/fail event with a high bar). Even so, the fact that this is tied to contract renewal and review of my record outside of my dept. makes me more nervous than usual about these reviews (we're reviewed annually as untenured professors).
Although I'm pretty sanguine about the review process in terms of journal articles and grants*, I really hate being judged and evaluated at this level. Like Bright Star, I think that my insecurities surrounding this process perhaps push me too far into self-focus mode. One piece of a conversation I had with another junior faculty member is a discomfort with the truthfulness of the feedback we get. It's one thing to get positive or negative feedback that then you can use to improve for next year. It's another thing though when you go through this process and seriously question whether people are telling you the truth about the areas you need to work on.
Another asst. professor thinks she's receiving consistently positive feedback. But this doesn't always match what I hear in the department scuttlebutt. So this serves to make me question my own feedback. Did they REALLY tell me where I need to work on? Or are they keeping things from me? It doesn't seem in the department's best interest to spring something on me three year hence, but at the same time, it's awkward to criticize someone you work with on a regular basis.
The review process feels like a decision about whether I am successful as a professor. In truth, I am willing to work so hard for this job and no harder. If they don't like what I'm doing then I'll go find something else to do or at least go do what I'm doing here somewhere else. If I'm not successful here under these circumstances, I'll find a way to be successful elsewhere. Is that reliance on my own self? Is that pride? Is that self-centeredness?
* I feel like I clearly pass the low bar of contract renewal. I'm not as confident about the higher bar of tenure, but I guess that's why I have 2.5 more years to get there.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Pride/Insecurity II
The first post on this topic is here.
We are so wrapped up in self-esteem and self-actualization that pride seems like a virtue to us. Take pride in your work! Be proud of yourself. Or, as happened in children's moment in church this sunday - "Everyone who is proud of their children, please raise their hand!" Of course the church was a sea of waving arms.
But Pride is listed among the 7 deadly sins. And people even say it's the greatest sin of all. Pride isn't just being self-centered, although it is that. Pride is pushing God out of the center of our life, by putting ourselves in His place. It's failing to acknowledge that God is the source of all good. That no good thing comes to us of our own effort.
So when I write a grant or publish an article - is that using the gifts given to me or is it something from my own efforts? In a profession all about individual achievement, how do I go about giving glory to God? When I work academically, it's a bit easier to see how my work points back to God. God gave me my intelligence. My work honors Him.
But why do I take the most pride in things that come more slowly more difficulty? I think because it's easier to feel like I did that. I conquered my fear. I composed a good photograph. I put in the effort. I worked at it. I did it. No one else.
I! I! I!
I don't know.
We are so wrapped up in self-esteem and self-actualization that pride seems like a virtue to us. Take pride in your work! Be proud of yourself. Or, as happened in children's moment in church this sunday - "Everyone who is proud of their children, please raise their hand!" Of course the church was a sea of waving arms.
But Pride is listed among the 7 deadly sins. And people even say it's the greatest sin of all. Pride isn't just being self-centered, although it is that. Pride is pushing God out of the center of our life, by putting ourselves in His place. It's failing to acknowledge that God is the source of all good. That no good thing comes to us of our own effort.
So when I write a grant or publish an article - is that using the gifts given to me or is it something from my own efforts? In a profession all about individual achievement, how do I go about giving glory to God? When I work academically, it's a bit easier to see how my work points back to God. God gave me my intelligence. My work honors Him.
But why do I take the most pride in things that come more slowly more difficulty? I think because it's easier to feel like I did that. I conquered my fear. I composed a good photograph. I put in the effort. I worked at it. I did it. No one else.
I! I! I!
I don't know.
One more good thing
The last baby scoops of pumpkin and graham central station ice cream until next season.
Good News
- My house inspection went well. Sometime around mid-March I should be a home owner for the first time.
- A paper submitted to a conference in Europe was accepted, following much concern about the low rate of acceptance at the conference. Now I can start planning a trip to the EU in August. And I can list it as 'accepted' on my vita.
- My third year review will be a month later than I thought it would be. Maybe enough time for one more submission.
- A student decided that he didn't have time to do a thesis with me, saving me the conversation which would have been quite unpleasant.
- A student who owed me work from last semester turned things in without prompting (!)
- Things are falling into place for a big name Librarian to visit campus. Everyone who I've asked to cancel or move something to accommodate his visit has been happy to do so. Class room space is magically available without any fuss. Fantastic.
- The Nurnberg EisBar Baby was deemed well enough to get a name.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Reading for Pleasure Wednesday: The Mercy Seat
I read HarpSong by Rilla Askew back in August and I have been on a hunt for her books ever since. She is an Oklahoman writer and some of her books are out of print so they are difficult to find here in the Upper MidWest. My librarian aunt found all three of the books she's written through her sources and gave them to me for Christmas . Anyway, I am nearly done with The Mercy Seat and I'm still enjoying the author. HarpSong was like nothing I've read before - a mix of poetry/song and prose. Set in the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression it tracked a couple as they attempted to find a place to make a living and be together.The Mercy Seat still incorporates the sense of changing perspectives and connection with the otherworld but is entirely composed of prose. It is about a family that moves from Tennesee to the Indian Territory and what they suffer along the way. It's built around family conflict (although I find the dust jacket somewhat misleading about the plot). In both books, Askew has a clear sense of place and describes the land and the people in a compelling way. In fact, sometimes I feel as if she's describing place even when she's talking about people. At times though, the prose is as if someone had entered a trance and was recounting the events before them through the lens of the future. The voice provides perspective and interpretation but you aren't quite sure what it all means. The writing is truly beautiful which means I'm reading much slower than usual because I don't want to fall asleep while reading it, but it's wroth it.
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