Pride/Insecurity II

The first post on this topic is here.
We are so wrapped up in self-esteem and self-actualization that pride seems like a virtue to us. Take pride in your work! Be proud of yourself. Or, as happened in children's moment in church this sunday - "Everyone who is proud of their children, please raise their hand!" Of course the church was a sea of waving arms.

But Pride is listed among the 7 deadly sins. And people even say it's the greatest sin of all. Pride isn't just being self-centered, although it is that. Pride is pushing God out of the center of our life, by putting ourselves in His place. It's failing to acknowledge that God is the source of all good. That no good thing comes to us of our own effort.

So when I write a grant or publish an article - is that using the gifts given to me or is it something from my own efforts? In a profession all about individual achievement, how do I go about giving glory to God? When I work academically, it's a bit easier to see how my work points back to God. God gave me my intelligence. My work honors Him.

But why do I take the most pride in things that come more slowly more difficulty? I think because it's easier to feel like I did that. I conquered my fear. I composed a good photograph. I put in the effort. I worked at it. I did it. No one else.

I! I! I!

I don't know.

One more good thing

The last baby scoops of pumpkin and graham central station ice cream until next season.

Good News

• My house inspection went well. Sometime around mid-March I should be a home owner for the first time.
  
• A paper submitted to a conference in Europe was accepted, following much concern about the low rate of acceptance at the conference. Now I can start planning a trip to the EU in August. And I can list it as 'accepted' on my vita.
  
• My third year review will be a month later than I thought it would be. Maybe enough time for one more submission.
  
• A student decided that he didn't have time to do a thesis with me, saving me the conversation which would have been quite unpleasant.
• A student who owed me work from last semester turned things in without prompting (!)
  
• Things are falling into place for a big name Librarian to visit campus. Everyone who I've asked to cancel or move something to accommodate his visit has been happy to do so. Class room space is magically available without any fuss. Fantastic.
  
• The Nurnberg EisBar Baby was deemed well enough to get a name.
  

Reading for Pleasure Wednesday: The Mercy Seat

I read HarpSong by Rilla Askew back in August and I have been on a hunt for her books ever since. She is an Oklahoman writer and some of her books are out of print so they are difficult to find here in the Upper MidWest. My librarian aunt found all three of the books she's written through her sources and gave them to me for Christmas . Anyway, I am nearly done with The Mercy Seat and I'm still enjoying the author. HarpSong was like nothing I've read before - a mix of poetry/song and prose. Set in the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression it tracked a couple as they attempted to find a place to make a living and be together.
The Mercy Seat still incorporates the sense of changing perspectives and connection with the otherworld but is entirely composed of prose. It is about a family that moves from Tennesee to the Indian Territory and what they suffer along the way. It's built around family conflict (although I find the dust jacket somewhat misleading about the plot). In both books, Askew has a clear sense of place and describes the land and the people in a compelling way. In fact, sometimes I feel as if she's describing place even when she's talking about people. At times though, the prose is as if someone had entered a trance and was recounting the events before them through the lens of the future. The voice provides perspective and interpretation but you aren't quite sure what it all means. The writing is truly beautiful which means I'm reading much slower than usual because I don't want to fall asleep while reading it, but it's wroth it.

Pride/Insecurity

I read this post and I think this is the first of a series of blog posts on Pride and Insecurity. My response is disorganized even now, so I have been slow to reply, even though the initial post was very thought provoking. It came on the heels of me trying to answer the question "what are you proud of having accomplished so far in your life?", assembling my research documents for my 3rd year review, discussing pride as a sin while reading The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer, and discussing insecurities in the review process with another junior colleague. Each of these seems to me to be a different facet of pride....

What am I proud of?

I feel like I've accomplished quite a bit in a work related sense in the last few years. Although I should perhaps say that I am proud of my research accomplishments (the main focus of my job), I'm actually more proud of standing up in front of a class and teaching on a regular basis. Not so much because of the impact that I might have on my students (although I hope for that) but because of overcoming a pretty strong case of stage fright in doing so. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing my work in print. But that seems to come more easily to me than building rapport with a large group. And I know if I persist I'll eventually get the piece published or find funding to accomplish the project I have in mind. I'm really not sure that I'll eventually become a teacher that inspires students.

In a similar vein,other moments when I've felt particularly accomplished include continuing to drive after spinning out in a left turn on the snow, completing the first steps in an eskimo roll (I've yet to complete an eskimo roll successfully on my own), and rappelling for the first time, having my mother complement a photo that I took, being complimented on an outfit that I put together without help from my sister or friends.

It's almost as if I know I can succeed at intellectual things and have always been good at that so while I appreciate those accomplishments, I can't say they are things I would point to. Instead , I take pride in succeeding at the things that come more slowly to me. The things that I have to work at.

BookStore Drama

In the spring I teach 2 classes. A large undergraduate class (60?) on a survey of library theory and a small graduate class on applied library science - specifically how to determine what card catalog number a book requires and then how to arrange a library most effectively so that individuals can access the books.

Well, the undergraduate class now has 80 enrolled. And it creeps up everyday. There are 2 books assigned for this class. One that focuses on the theory behind selecting reading material, assigning card catalog numbers, and running programs. and one that provides a good reference for how others have done these things, has fantastic charts and graphs, but is totally out of date on the theory. The bookstore informed me that the second book is out of print because a 'new edition' has come out that isn't really all that new, just more expensive. So the bookstore was going to collect used editions of the old version - and they have now collected about 60 of them.

I think I'm faced with a set of choices:
1) allow students to use either edition and have my TA match topics/page numbers for the syllabus. This could work because the 'updates' are really adding a whole new chapter and the charts and tables are virtually unchanged. It can only work as a solution for this year.
2) switch to the new version wholeheartedly and send back all used editions and deal with the fact that students might not have the book the first week of class. This is an annoying choice because it promotes the scam that is revised editions. If I keep using this book, I'll have to do this next year anyway though.
3) ditch this book entirely. Scan in the most important charts to the web courseware. Identify chapters from other books to supplement the theory book so that there is both a presentation of the 'what' to do and the 'how' for each topic. I would love to do this, but I think that most students won't download and read scanned chapters and maybe can't handle the shifting voices that come from reading multiple authors. I also think I might bump up against fair use issues because there aren't so many other books to draw from.

I have until tomorrow to decide what to do since I have to keep the bookstore in the loop.