February Resolutions

So I think as can be seen below I wasn't very good with keeping resolutions this month. I did okay with being in touch with far flung friends and family and with teaching, but I slacked on food and exercise and research. I'm actually going to give myself permission to slack on all fronts in March since I move smack dab in the middle of everything. I think getting packed and keeping teaching going in the process will be sufficient things to to do.

Really, I'm using both my resolutions and moving to procrastinate on the other one so I think it's better to focus. Oh I can't deal with packing because I have to work on this data project. Oh I can't deal with this data project because I should be packing. And on and on and on. So since the move is looming and urgent. And since I clearly can't motivate myself to do it all I'm just going to deal with that one for a month.

Work
Teaching
Assignments Card Catalog class
Rework lectures for Epistomology
Research
Collaborative Project
Stats
Analysis #3
Archival Data Project
Assign data analysis to new ugrad
Pilot Data Project
Schedule all subjects - Feb 20
Stats - Feb 28
Data Interpretation - Mar 15
Conf submission - Mar 31
Writing
Theory Article
- Intro
- Review of Theory
- Applied Perspective Patron1- Feb 29
- Applied Perspective Patron2
- Conclusion
Personal
Id exercise location
Daily prayer
Menus & Groceries wk 1
Menus & Groceries wk 2
Menus & Groceries wk 3
Menus & Groceries wk 4
Dishes wk 1
Dishes wk 2
Dishes wk 3
Dishes wk 4
Relationships
letters to 4 2 people
2 1 lunches
Phone call wk 1
Phone call wk 2
Phone call wk 3
Phone call wk 4

Being Programmatic

So I got some pretty bad news about my grant submission last week. The grant was unscored. That means the reviewers deem it to be in the bottom 50% of the grants that they read. It doesn't get talked about. I just get critiques from the reviewers. But since the reviewers view the grant as unfundable, the critiques may be very short and not fully developed and thus hard to respond to. I get one more shot with this idea for this funding agency. So I have to think carefully about going back in with this submission in order to maximize my chances.

As I talk and think about this I think some history is relevant. I did my dissertation with Big Name Gracious Scholar. It was a fantastic experience. He studies the details of the Dewey Decimal system and dabbles in other approaches to card cataloging. But it's safe to say that most of his research is grounded in traditional approaches to card cataloging. My dissertation focused on similar issues but at a slightly more global level - say organization within the whole library rather than organization within a subject area.

Then I took this job. I industriously published my dissertation data and 1 reanalysis of that data. I started a followup study which took about 18 mos in data collection and the analysis/write up is just finishing up. It has the potential for 2 more re-analyses of the extant data (1-2 publications depending...). In the first semester I did a round of readings with 3 students on nontraditional approaches to cataloging. I'm not talking about selecting just a different flavor of organization, but radically different approaches to the whole problem of knowledge organization and retreival. Say instead of an externally imposed organizational system like the Dewey Decimal system, instead a self-organizing system like tagging and ranking of items by users. Presumably over time and with a large number of users you still end up with subject based groups of books and other items. Ultimately you still have a well organized library, but how you come up with the groupings is radically different. And I learned alot.

Out of that, I started three tangential student projects - one on font styles and readability and one contrasting the Dewey Decimal system (external organization) with user tagging as an organizational method(self-organization) and one examining how people come to learn whatever system is in place grounded in the self-organization approach. The compare and contrast project turned into a dissertation I'm co-advising that is moving very slowly (and not likely to be published before I come up for tenure). The font styles one is under review now and the training study is in the final stages of data collection.

In addition I was exposed extensively in a variety of contexts to self-organizing approaches to solving a related problem - say font selection in publishing or coming up with meaningful book titles. And I started thinking about nontraditional approaches to card cataloging. Most of this exposure wasn't directly through things that apply to card cataloguing though. But some people say that the problem of meaningful book names really isn't that different than the problem of organizing books into meaningful retrievable units. And if that's true than my intellectual community isn't as isolated as it feels right now.

But here's the problem. Technically I'm the card catalog person on faculty. And I currently have 2 publications and 1 under review on the dewey decimal system. But I also have 1 publication on the interface between fonts and the classification in the dewey decimal system. And 1 publication on fonts under review. And potentially 1 publication soon on learning to use tags for both book titles and books. And eventually 1-2 publications contrasting these two approaches. And a grant in, that has just be soundly rejected, looking at tagging both in card cataloging and in other knowledge systems not found in libraries - say in the phone system or something very unrelated.

I'm a bit afraid that I look unprogrammatic right now. I think I can right that by tenure time, but I think I'll have to pick an area and get focused soon....

And this has turned into a terribly long post, so I'll write more about what I think my options might be tomorrow.

How much do we give up?

The conversation about how difficult it can be to be in academia is making the rounds.

What Now talks about the identity she has as a tenured professor and how she isn't ready to give that up. From there I ended up at Squadratomagico and Highly Magnified, Thoroughly Educated (who actually began the conversation) talking about how being a professor actually can cause you to lose various identities because the work becomes all consuming. So I started thinking about what have I given up to be where I am.

I'm a single woman. Have I given up romantic relationships to be here? Perhaps... But I am not sure they were healthy relationships to start with. Certainly, my desire to date someone who shares my faith and my own quirks interfere at least as much as my job does.

I live far (1500+miles) from my family and see them only a few times a year. Have I given up ties to my family to be here? Yes, I think so - I would certainly visit my new nephew more often if I could drive rather than fly. But maybe not because I can fly fairly inexpensively. And in some ways my career allows me more flexibility to be with family - I was there when my grand mother died and when my aunt was in a coma precisely BECAUSE I work an academic job and could take significant time off as long as it didn't interfere with teaching duties.

What about hobbies? outside interests? I think that I have those. If I worked in a less demanding job I might have more. But I also would probably like my job less.

And then I found this post by propter doc that echoes my own sense more closely I think.

Ranier Marie Rilke writes:

I know your profession is hard and full of contradiction of yourself....I can only ask you to consider whether all professions are not like that, full of demands, full of enmity against the individual, saturated as it were with the hatred of those who have found themselves mute and sullen in a humdrum duty. The situation in which you now have to live is no more heavily laden with conventions, prejudices,and mistakes than all the other situations, and if there are some that feign a greater freedom, still there is none that is itself broad and spacious and in contact with the big things of which real living consists. Only the individual who is solitary is like a thing placed under profound laws and when he goes out into the morning that is just beginning or looks out into the evenings that is full of happening and if feels what is going on there then all status* drops from him as from a dead man though he stands in the midst of sheer life.

I don't see that the trade-offs I'm making are unbearable. And I'm not sure that they would be any different if I worked at any other job that I loved (because any job that I loved would challenge me and that challenge would play out in ways that mean less free time and more job focus). Being a medical doctor or a pastor or a translator or a foreign aid worker are all jobs I would consider seriously or have considered in the past. They all make specific demands and place requirements of one sort another on a person that can be inconvenient. In the meantime, I know these inconveniences. Distance. Mentally consuming. Status driven*. And I think I like the devil I know better than the devil I don't know.

*Maybe the thing I fear the most is becoming hungry for the status academia confers. But that's another post.

What makes a good dissertation advisor?

I saw this question here and I think it was sparked by the problems Anastasia is having*.

Now, I've got my own experience as a student and the observations of the students who surrounded me at the time to inform my idea of what it means to be a good dissertation director. And since I've been a new asst. professor, I've been in a co-advisor situation with 1 student (which has made me swear off co-advising) and a mentor to two more students whose primary advisor is the same advisor as student 1. Oh, and 1 masters student who abandoned his/her thesis. But I haven't yet supervised a dissertation myself all alone. For the last two years I've been looking for a student to take on, but we haven't had a qualified applicant interested in my subject area. So with that caveat, the question rests on my mind - what makes a good dissertation advisor. And how do I be that person?

The best summary I've seen of different traits is located here. For those not able to go beyond the fire wall it is an article by Nature on Mentoring based on interviews with Mentors. Someone on another blog referred to it in the comments and I read it and I think it is fantastic. Beyond those things that the describe (fostering a professional and scientific community, understanding a continuum of hands on and hands off ness... etc), I think fit with a mentor is important. Someone may be a fantastic mentor to you and a crummy mentor to someone else. And vice versa. So what makes for a good fit?

Similar (but not identical) interests - This seems obvious, but it's much easier to work closely and collaborate with someone on research if the questions they are pursuing are INTERESTING to you. Not necessarily exactly what you do. In fact if they only overlap partially with you, I think it might be easier to establish independence, have a clear distinction between dissertation and previous/collaborative projects, and so forth. If there is no overlap though, it means that it will be hard for the advisor to be up to speed on key points and methods, there will be no way for the advisor to see missing seminal articles or major ideas in the lit review. And it means that the advisor might or might not be as interested in getting things out the door to publication. Working on a close project is more likely to make you a priority and get attention from a busy and distracted advisor.

Resources - Do they have funding? Can they help you find funding? Do they have the time to read and attend to your work? Do they have the emotional resources to be rational about critiques? Can they help you attend conferences? Do they have social captial to introduce you around?

Working style - If they are punctual and you are last minute or you are detail oriented and they are big picture or you are disorganized and they are a neat freak, you will have a harder time. Do they prefer to have so many projects going that they can't keep up? Or do they have myopic focus on a single project to the exclusion of all other ideas and perspectives? Do they prioritize fairness? harmony? safety? rule-following? Do their priorities match or at least complement yours? Your advisor will not be your twin. People with different styles can muddle along. But radically different priorities and styles in the workplace will lead to a much more difficult time all around.

Communication style - I made this be a separate one because I think that clear expectations and communication about what to expect is important. I, for instance, tend to be very direct and blunt in my comments. I can be extremely critical. I'm also effusive in my praise. If you need a warm nurturing person to be your advisor you might do better with someone else. On the other hand, if I had an advisor who sugar coated things; who was less than direct, that person would totally lose my trust. Communication in terms of deadlines, writing critiquing, and verbal organization in meetings can all be important. How do they foster your ideas as you work with them? How do they respond when they see that a mistake has been made? For me this included prompt, precise, clear feedback. Decisiveness. Freedom to work independently until I needed assistance and then as much help as I asked for.

Concern for the whole person - Do they have a life outside of work? Do they understand and respect your own non-doctoral program commitments? Do they demonstrate that they have compassion for family circumstances and personal crises in addition to professional deadlines and development? Training can be all consuming. Both a model for and permission to have a life is good.

Professionalism - I'm not sure if this is distinct from communication style but I think recognizing that this is a professional environment with professional expectations is key. It encompasses a variety of things for me. There will be boundaries between me as a faculty and you as a student. Respect. Show up for meetings. Work hard. No yelling at people. No harrassment. Concern for the whole person doesn't mean I'm going to be your counselor or best friend.

In your best interests - It's best to be working with someone who you believe is looking out for your best interests at all times. There may be times when your best interest isn't clear or when your best interest is wrapped up in things that are also your advisor's best interest (e.g. getting a grant that will fund both you and your advisor), but if you don't have this trust, it will be a long hard slog. One thing I truly valued about my advisor was that whatever recommendation he made for me (from jobs to projects, to writing advice) he was always trying to help me be the best scientist I could be in all ways. Even if he was wrong, the fact that I could trust his motives was a tremendous boost to dealing with the situation. For me this also included an understanding that this person would hold me to high expectations. For others it might mean they will work to get you through as quickly as possible to accommodate a child being born or a spouse moving on or assist with flexible timing of deadlines to allow for a combination of work and school or need to travel to care for family needs.
I should be quick to point out here that many people don't deserve such trust for many reasons. I am not advocating blind trust. But entering into a relationship where you know trust is lacking seems crazy to me. Some are truly selfish and self-centered and willing to throw the student under the bus to save themselves; some are unaware, clueless about others and not interested in their students' welfare; some are not in a place at the moment - for whatever
personal or professional reason - to place the student first in priority.

*This is emphatically not a comment on Anastasia's situation - more my own reflection on my own situation.

Jan Goals - Recap

Since it's snowing so hard that I can't make it to the super bowl party I had planned to attend, it seems like a good time to claim for catching up on blogs and self reflection.

I made some progress on Jan. goals - all the teaching preparation ones and one of the writing ones got checked off. The other writing one was too big to be managable so I've broken it into smaller bits. Hopefully I can cross off two smaller bits this month and then the rest will fall into place. Unfortunately the data collection and personal ones lagged a bit. The MS student bailing and lack of clarity on data interpretation for the collaborative project really mean I won't be taking anything to the intimate summer conference in the upper midwest. But I should have tons for the national convention in the fall. Such is life.

I was fantastic at menus and groceries and dishes while classes were on break but not at all good once things started. I made homemade mac & cheese, apricot pork chops, white bean, sausage, & spinach caserole, tilapia with curry sauce, and a winter squash soup. And I also ate stuff in the freezer - chicken cacciatore and raviolis. The tilapia was unexpectedly fantastic; the apricot pork chops I won't be making again - they were dull. I've still been eating well since school started because I had enough stuff in the freezer, but I haven't been restocking it at all. And this last week I drifted amazing close to junk (apple caramel bites from sonic) even though I had stuff for a crock pot meal at home. Hopefully I'm back on top of things this week since I went shopping and have stuff for roast chicken chimichangas, chicken caccatore and tilapia with orange glaze. I wonder if Sunday posts on upcoming/completed meals would be a fun way to keep motivated. I divided this all up into weekly to dos because again, monthly it's easy to loose track of what needs done.

The personal ones happened for the most part - my photo class has begun and I'm being more creative; I've been volunteering semi-weekly with the local homeless shelter; I did better about being in touch with far flung friends. But I think the weekly phone calls/regular letters to someone were the toughest to accomplish and will be the hardest to keep up. It's not that I don't want to connect with these people but our schedules seem not to overlap as much as I'd like.

So I've added in an updated list for feb. And I'm starting the month with a clean slate. Hopefully I can get through most of it. I'm skeptical a bit because we have a search on and feb. is short. But I'll try. And some is better than none.

Happiness

You Are 68% Happy

You are a very happy person. Generally, you feel content and that all is right with the world. Occasionally, you have a down day - but you have the ability to pick yourself right back up.

How Happy Are You?

In the last week I've seen several articles about a gallup poll that claims that married people are 10% happier or more satisfied with their lives than single people. Depending on where I read it, the cause and the effect get mixed around. Anyway, I can see why married people might be more satisfied overall. A long while ago I read things about how everyone has a happiness 'set point' and you have to really work in order to change how content you are overall with life.

In my foray into online dating, one of the common questions is "Are you content with your life now? What would you change?" Well, duh. I'm not content - that's why I'm doing online dating. I can't imagine any truly content person would put themselves through that. It's like rejection by computer.

But really, I am pretty content, with the exception of the personal relationship part. I like where I live. I like my job. I have a solid group of friends. I would like to think that a relationship would make me more content, but then I read in the blogosphere about all the people who are struggling to make job and location compromises work. I wonder if I would be more satisfied with my personal life but less so with my job or something and would end up at the same place.

Self-Discipline

So Bonhoffer is not one to pull any punches. The last two chapters my small group read were about self-discipline (Fasting) and Anxiety. It's too much to think about both right now. But the self-discipline one ties in well with my theme for the year (actually anxiety goes with self-acceptance a bit too nicely to be comfortable....). Anyway, self-discipline. The chapter starts by assuming that we fast. Well, I've never really done that. *squirm*.

But if I look over most of the things I resolved to do they are all easy things that just take focus. Self-discipline. Some of the things I actually know go together easily for me. For instance:
clean kitchen = more likely to cook
exercise time = prayer time
And yet I seem to keep procrastinating both of those. I've done better on the clean kitchen (and the cooking) part. But the exercise and prayer pieces still elude me. In truth neither of these things is so bad once I get started. But I hate getting started. Even for the dishes - as long as no more than 1 coffee cup is in the sink I can stay on top of it. But as soon as I let another dish sit there it becomes a BIG DEAL to do the dishes. And so then I don't. And more accumulate. And then I avoid the kitchen to avoid the mess. Anyway....

School officially starts tomorrow. Which means it's really time for me to settle into a routine for the semester. And it would be good if that routine included exercise. It's been cold (like -10F cold) so walking outside hasn't been an option. I need a plan for exercising indoors (exercise video? gym?). If exercising indoors involves leaving my house I also need a plan for my dog to be let out and exercised as well. I know this is only a 2 month problem or so. But that is a long time to let the exercise thing go, especially since it also impacts my spiritual life. Maybe I should add a stop by the sporting goods store to my list for the day and seek a good 30 minute work out video.

Oh, and in the scheme of keeping/not keeping resolutions - I have a volunteer activity I'm satisfied with until March. Then I'll have to find something new. But my photography class sounds like it's going to be canceled due to low enrollment. Boohoo.

Pride/Insecurity III

This is the third post out of a series. The first and second can be found here.
So I'm up for third year review this year. Which means putting together all of my materials so that others can judge whether I am on track or not. I think this is a pass/fail event with a low bar (as opposed to tenure which is a pass/fail event with a high bar). Even so, the fact that this is tied to contract renewal and review of my record outside of my dept. makes me more nervous than usual about these reviews (we're reviewed annually as untenured professors).

Although I'm pretty sanguine about the review process in terms of journal articles and grants*, I really hate being judged and evaluated at this level. Like Bright Star, I think that my insecurities surrounding this process perhaps push me too far into self-focus mode. One piece of a conversation I had with another junior faculty member is a discomfort with the truthfulness of the feedback we get. It's one thing to get positive or negative feedback that then you can use to improve for next year. It's another thing though when you go through this process and seriously question whether people are telling you the truth about the areas you need to work on.

Another asst. professor thinks she's receiving consistently positive feedback. But this doesn't always match what I hear in the department scuttlebutt. So this serves to make me question my own feedback. Did they REALLY tell me where I need to work on? Or are they keeping things from me? It doesn't seem in the department's best interest to spring something on me three year hence, but at the same time, it's awkward to criticize someone you work with on a regular basis.

The review process feels like a decision about whether I am successful as a professor. In truth, I am willing to work so hard for this job and no harder. If they don't like what I'm doing then I'll go find something else to do or at least go do what I'm doing here somewhere else. If I'm not successful here under these circumstances, I'll find a way to be successful elsewhere. Is that reliance on my own self? Is that pride? Is that self-centeredness?

* I feel like I clearly pass the low bar of contract renewal. I'm not as confident about the higher bar of tenure, but I guess that's why I have 2.5 more years to get there.

Pride/Insecurity II

The first post on this topic is here.
We are so wrapped up in self-esteem and self-actualization that pride seems like a virtue to us. Take pride in your work! Be proud of yourself. Or, as happened in children's moment in church this sunday - "Everyone who is proud of their children, please raise their hand!" Of course the church was a sea of waving arms.

But Pride is listed among the 7 deadly sins. And people even say it's the greatest sin of all. Pride isn't just being self-centered, although it is that. Pride is pushing God out of the center of our life, by putting ourselves in His place. It's failing to acknowledge that God is the source of all good. That no good thing comes to us of our own effort.

So when I write a grant or publish an article - is that using the gifts given to me or is it something from my own efforts? In a profession all about individual achievement, how do I go about giving glory to God? When I work academically, it's a bit easier to see how my work points back to God. God gave me my intelligence. My work honors Him.

But why do I take the most pride in things that come more slowly more difficulty? I think because it's easier to feel like I did that. I conquered my fear. I composed a good photograph. I put in the effort. I worked at it. I did it. No one else.

I! I! I!

I don't know.

Pride/Insecurity

I read this post and I think this is the first of a series of blog posts on Pride and Insecurity. My response is disorganized even now, so I have been slow to reply, even though the initial post was very thought provoking. It came on the heels of me trying to answer the question "what are you proud of having accomplished so far in your life?", assembling my research documents for my 3rd year review, discussing pride as a sin while reading The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer, and discussing insecurities in the review process with another junior colleague. Each of these seems to me to be a different facet of pride....

What am I proud of?

I feel like I've accomplished quite a bit in a work related sense in the last few years. Although I should perhaps say that I am proud of my research accomplishments (the main focus of my job), I'm actually more proud of standing up in front of a class and teaching on a regular basis. Not so much because of the impact that I might have on my students (although I hope for that) but because of overcoming a pretty strong case of stage fright in doing so. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing my work in print. But that seems to come more easily to me than building rapport with a large group. And I know if I persist I'll eventually get the piece published or find funding to accomplish the project I have in mind. I'm really not sure that I'll eventually become a teacher that inspires students.

In a similar vein,other moments when I've felt particularly accomplished include continuing to drive after spinning out in a left turn on the snow, completing the first steps in an eskimo roll (I've yet to complete an eskimo roll successfully on my own), and rappelling for the first time, having my mother complement a photo that I took, being complimented on an outfit that I put together without help from my sister or friends.

It's almost as if I know I can succeed at intellectual things and have always been good at that so while I appreciate those accomplishments, I can't say they are things I would point to. Instead , I take pride in succeeding at the things that come more slowly to me. The things that I have to work at.

Life Hunting

So one of my projects for this spring is house hunting. On the surface this would seem simple. I know the space needs I have right now (bedroom, office, guest room, enough space/an adequate layout in the main living areas that I can have up to 12 people over comfortably, a well laid out kitchen, a covered garage, and a fenced yard). The last two are negotiable. The rest aren'tI understand what I want in a house aside from space (old, charming, fun details, non-conventional, neighborhood-y feel, gas kitchen & heat). Simple, right?

Unfortunately house hunting is not so simple. It's such a big purchase that it causes me to project forward 5-10 years about what I see as the future for my life. Assuming I get tenure (3 years off), there's the question of do I stay here or move? And assuming I stay here, there's the question of how will I be using space in 5 years: Will it still just be me living in the house? Will I be married (and if so will I sell the house and buy a new one?)? Will I have a child? Can the house support having a child without me having to move? If I don't have a child, how will I make good use of the space that I have - Will I rent the basement out to others? Will I provide a place for people in transition (e.g. a postdoc moving mid year or a visiting scholar)? Do I really want other people who aren't related to me living in my house? How will others perceive the house - as pretentiously large since they don't know what I am contemplating? (Do I care what others think?)

And ultimately being that invested in what a house says about my future can lead to great disappointment if the deals fall through. Because instead of feeling like you're walking away from what is really a business deal it feels like walking away from a dream.