Happiness

You Are 68% Happy

You are a very happy person. Generally, you feel content and that all is right with the world. Occasionally, you have a down day - but you have the ability to pick yourself right back up.

How Happy Are You?

In the last week I've seen several articles about a gallup poll that claims that married people are 10% happier or more satisfied with their lives than single people. Depending on where I read it, the cause and the effect get mixed around. Anyway, I can see why married people might be more satisfied overall. A long while ago I read things about how everyone has a happiness 'set point' and you have to really work in order to change how content you are overall with life.

In my foray into online dating, one of the common questions is "Are you content with your life now? What would you change?" Well, duh. I'm not content - that's why I'm doing online dating. I can't imagine any truly content person would put themselves through that. It's like rejection by computer.

But really, I am pretty content, with the exception of the personal relationship part. I like where I live. I like my job. I have a solid group of friends. I would like to think that a relationship would make me more content, but then I read in the blogosphere about all the people who are struggling to make job and location compromises work. I wonder if I would be more satisfied with my personal life but less so with my job or something and would end up at the same place.

Neighborliness

I have an 8 am morning meeting once a week. Not so bad, except that ideally I leave the house an hour before then so I'm truly in and settled in and ready to go before things start. So to be ready, I shoveled the walk the night before. Not hard work shoveling. Just shoveling a light powder. 5 inches of it. Make life easier and speed things up for the next morning.

So I went to bed and got up, got dressed, and 30 minutes before my meeting I'm locking up and heading out the door. And it looked like I hadn't done a darn thing. 5 more inches of snow. Not that it snowed 10 inches, but wind and drifting and all that. So I turned the car on and got out the shovel and in my dress pants and heels I'm out there shoveling a shovel width path in my sidewalk. I'll finish it when I get home.

And when I got home - Someone had shoveled my entire walk! Fantastic. I have no idea who. Perhaps the same person who shoveled for me when it snowed 18inches over Christmas break. I wish I knew who to thank. I guess maybe I like my neighbors.

Class Meme

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college (with an MA, when I was in 10th grade)
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor. (My granddad was a professor. Before that he was an accountant. He went back to school at age 40 to get his PhD. More telling is my dad's family. His dad was a Vet Both my grandmothers had Masters degrees and my mom's mom was ABD in home economics...)
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home. (No, but we spent a lot of time at the library, so I certainly read more than 500 books).
9. Were read children's books by a parent
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18 (I had tumbling lessons and gymnastics because it was cheaper than physical therapy following a head injury as a toddler).
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18 (Only because of the going away to college at 16 thing)

14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs (Can you say scholarships?)
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs
16. Went to a private high school (Sort of - a collapse of college and high school into two years)
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels (Yes but only while my dad WORKED for the hotels…)
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them (By the time I was 16,my parents could have afforded it, but believed we should earn our own cars so we learned to value them).
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child (There was no art in my house that I recall aside from my mother's quilts)
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home (yes if this means had a mortgage).
25. You had your own room as a child
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up Science/history museums only. Not art.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

18/34

It's interesting because I am very aware that my family is upper middle class now. But I think in large part because my mom stayed home with us and my dad worked food service jobs (which pay shit) we were lower middle class most of my early growing up - like until I was 10-12 or so. I know I wore hand me downs no matter what. We didn't have more than 1 TV and we got a hand me down computer when I was in 7th grade. A big deal gift in middle school was a radio for christmas that had a built in tape deck. I think it was the first radio we owned not-in-a-car. We had two cars because my dad commuted, but the second one was always a real clunker. My parents didn't argue about money in front of us (my parents didn't argue in front of us period) but we ate a lot of food that was stretching the budget food - Pancakes for dinner. Canned things from the garden. Broccoli and rice casserole where you had the rice and the broccoli earlier in the week. We went to girl scout camp in the summer in large part because it was cheap child care. Vacations were camping. Staying in a hotel happened when my dad started working for a hotel chain, but even then it was in the off season.

I'm not sure what happened but around 6th-8th grade, my family's situation changed significantly as far as money goes. My mom went back to school. We bought a (rather nice) house. Summer opportunities changed and became more plentiful. New clothes for school were okay. We still economized. But not in the same way. There were many more choices available to us in terms of extra curriculars and we were encouraged to take advantage of them instead of blowing them off.

The interesting thing about this to me is that my dad still views education as a vocational training experience. Even though his parents and my mom's parents were both highly educated. And even though we started from a point of privilege. You don't assume that will be what comes your way. You go to college to get an education so you can get a job. A job is being a manager. Or a teacher. Or a doctor. Or a mechanic. Or a vet. But not really a professor. or writer. or foreign aid worker. You go to museums to learn things. But not to appreciate art. You buy things because they are functional, not because they are pretty (or new or cool or...). It's clear to me that my dad sees value in my sister's job as a physician but not in my job as a professor (aside from the teaching aspects of my job). Don't get me wrong, he's proud of both of us. And he likes being able to say that we have three doctors in the family (my sister's husband is also a physician). But he just doesn't quite get that knowledge creation is a product too.

Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays: Water for Elephants

Well, I read this a while ago. A book a week is a bit more than I can keep up with during the semester. But I think I can review a book a week for a while based on backlog of books read this year.

I read this on the airplane on the way home in August. Our local independent bookstore owner recommended it when I asked him for an "airplane book" to read for the trip. (An airplane book, as far as I'm concerned has nothing to do with aviation and everything to do with being engaging and interruptible).

Anyway, this book is set with a circus in the great depression, but is really a murder mystery. I'm not sure how to talk about a mystery without giving up the plot, but the story is series of modern day encounters in a nursing home linked to reminiscences triggered by the main character's conversations with a nurse. I liked the style of the story - the plot moved things along and the switching perspectives kept me engaged - and I liked that I couldn't solve the mystery in advance. A bonus. Anyway, a light book. Totally enjoyable, but not anything deep.

The definition of an introvert

So a friend and I were talking about the Myers-Briggs Personality scales. I'm skeptical of my own performance on all test things like this because I know to much about test design. Nonetheless I consistently score IN+two other letters (either TJ or FJ or TP - never FP) depending on my mood while taking the test. Does that mean I'm really INTJ? Anyway....I was complaining about how what I want to do and what I've learned to do are different and so I didn't know how to answer the questions... This friend said that he think of the Introvert/Extrovert distinction as a measure of where you get your energy. If you come away from large group events energized and revved up you are an E. If you come away exhausted and get your energy from one on one or individual activities you are an I.

Well, if there was any doubt, I know at the end of a teaching day that I am an Introvert. I am exhausted. It's not the mental exercise involved in prep. It's not that there were problems. It's that I am worn out by the performance aspect of it. I think this makes me a mediocre teacher because I don't really enjoy the part about standing in front of 100 students and talking. It's not stage fright exactly. Well, maybe sort of. I wish I knew how to overcome it though and really get into the acting part. I wish I liked talking at a room full of people.

Anyway, the semester is truly under way. And I'm exhausted on Day 2.

National Blog for Choice Day

As seen at Rev Dr. Mom's. I saw an article in the local paper yesterday reviewing the demographics associated with abortion *and they estimate that 1/3 of all women have had an abortion at some point. 1/3! Wow! The point of the article was actually abortion as a race-based civil rights issue (which seems to have merit) but I couldn't get past 1/3 of all women have had an abortion (and most were over age 25 when it happened). As a personal choice, abortion is so far beyond what I can fathom as a personal choice that it seems crazy to me to think that if I'm sitting in a car full of women, 1 or 2 of the other 5 women has likely had an abortion. If a friend came to me and asked for counsel on this topic, I would mostly encourage her to seek information on adoption. Having walked with friends down a path of serious disability associated with the fetus, I would say that carrying to term can be a blessing despite what one might think.

Nonetheless, I recognize that the reasons why abortion is beyond me have much to do with the sort of environment and economic class and support system available to me. What if I didn't have the job security that I have? What if I didn't have the family support that I have? What if I didn't have health care? What if I was functioning in an abusive environment? What if I was still in school and having a child would limit/eliminate the educational opportunities available to me? What if I didn't think I could raise a child well in the world I was living in? What if I didn't know enough to navigate the options of adoption? What if I was certain that my child would be born with a debilitating disease? What if?

Beyond these speculative reasons, the real reason why I favor choice is that I don't believe that banning abortion will lead to fewer abortions. Mostly I think that banning abortion leads to less safe abortions. Fundamentally, giving birth - or having an abortion - is a life changing decision that should reside with one person. The woman involved. No other decision is likely to have such significant repurcusions on an individual's life. No other individual should have the right to interfere with that decision. I can't imagine anyone taking this lightly and I can't imagine having to do it in fear for my life.

So, I'm anti-abortion, but pro-choice. I'm pro-free-birth-control-pills and condom distribution programs. I'm pro fully informative sex ed classes and pro state funded adoption programs. I'm pro-CHIP and pro-WIC. I'm pro state supported child care and pro job training programs. I pray that I never live in a country where my reproductive choices are made by someone else and I pray that I never am in a position to have to face such a decision.

* this isn't the link to the AP article, but it's an interesting document that matches the stats they showed. I need to investigate this political organization more to determine if it is some whacked out religious thing or a reasonable perspective on the world.

Self-Discipline

So Bonhoffer is not one to pull any punches. The last two chapters my small group read were about self-discipline (Fasting) and Anxiety. It's too much to think about both right now. But the self-discipline one ties in well with my theme for the year (actually anxiety goes with self-acceptance a bit too nicely to be comfortable....). Anyway, self-discipline. The chapter starts by assuming that we fast. Well, I've never really done that. *squirm*.

But if I look over most of the things I resolved to do they are all easy things that just take focus. Self-discipline. Some of the things I actually know go together easily for me. For instance:
clean kitchen = more likely to cook
exercise time = prayer time
And yet I seem to keep procrastinating both of those. I've done better on the clean kitchen (and the cooking) part. But the exercise and prayer pieces still elude me. In truth neither of these things is so bad once I get started. But I hate getting started. Even for the dishes - as long as no more than 1 coffee cup is in the sink I can stay on top of it. But as soon as I let another dish sit there it becomes a BIG DEAL to do the dishes. And so then I don't. And more accumulate. And then I avoid the kitchen to avoid the mess. Anyway....

School officially starts tomorrow. Which means it's really time for me to settle into a routine for the semester. And it would be good if that routine included exercise. It's been cold (like -10F cold) so walking outside hasn't been an option. I need a plan for exercising indoors (exercise video? gym?). If exercising indoors involves leaving my house I also need a plan for my dog to be let out and exercised as well. I know this is only a 2 month problem or so. But that is a long time to let the exercise thing go, especially since it also impacts my spiritual life. Maybe I should add a stop by the sporting goods store to my list for the day and seek a good 30 minute work out video.

Oh, and in the scheme of keeping/not keeping resolutions - I have a volunteer activity I'm satisfied with until March. Then I'll have to find something new. But my photography class sounds like it's going to be canceled due to low enrollment. Boohoo.

Pride/Insecurity III

This is the third post out of a series. The first and second can be found here.
So I'm up for third year review this year. Which means putting together all of my materials so that others can judge whether I am on track or not. I think this is a pass/fail event with a low bar (as opposed to tenure which is a pass/fail event with a high bar). Even so, the fact that this is tied to contract renewal and review of my record outside of my dept. makes me more nervous than usual about these reviews (we're reviewed annually as untenured professors).

Although I'm pretty sanguine about the review process in terms of journal articles and grants*, I really hate being judged and evaluated at this level. Like Bright Star, I think that my insecurities surrounding this process perhaps push me too far into self-focus mode. One piece of a conversation I had with another junior faculty member is a discomfort with the truthfulness of the feedback we get. It's one thing to get positive or negative feedback that then you can use to improve for next year. It's another thing though when you go through this process and seriously question whether people are telling you the truth about the areas you need to work on.

Another asst. professor thinks she's receiving consistently positive feedback. But this doesn't always match what I hear in the department scuttlebutt. So this serves to make me question my own feedback. Did they REALLY tell me where I need to work on? Or are they keeping things from me? It doesn't seem in the department's best interest to spring something on me three year hence, but at the same time, it's awkward to criticize someone you work with on a regular basis.

The review process feels like a decision about whether I am successful as a professor. In truth, I am willing to work so hard for this job and no harder. If they don't like what I'm doing then I'll go find something else to do or at least go do what I'm doing here somewhere else. If I'm not successful here under these circumstances, I'll find a way to be successful elsewhere. Is that reliance on my own self? Is that pride? Is that self-centeredness?

* I feel like I clearly pass the low bar of contract renewal. I'm not as confident about the higher bar of tenure, but I guess that's why I have 2.5 more years to get there.

Pride/Insecurity II

The first post on this topic is here.
We are so wrapped up in self-esteem and self-actualization that pride seems like a virtue to us. Take pride in your work! Be proud of yourself. Or, as happened in children's moment in church this sunday - "Everyone who is proud of their children, please raise their hand!" Of course the church was a sea of waving arms.

But Pride is listed among the 7 deadly sins. And people even say it's the greatest sin of all. Pride isn't just being self-centered, although it is that. Pride is pushing God out of the center of our life, by putting ourselves in His place. It's failing to acknowledge that God is the source of all good. That no good thing comes to us of our own effort.

So when I write a grant or publish an article - is that using the gifts given to me or is it something from my own efforts? In a profession all about individual achievement, how do I go about giving glory to God? When I work academically, it's a bit easier to see how my work points back to God. God gave me my intelligence. My work honors Him.

But why do I take the most pride in things that come more slowly more difficulty? I think because it's easier to feel like I did that. I conquered my fear. I composed a good photograph. I put in the effort. I worked at it. I did it. No one else.

I! I! I!

I don't know.

One more good thing

The last baby scoops of pumpkin and graham central station ice cream until next season.

Good News

• My house inspection went well. Sometime around mid-March I should be a home owner for the first time.
  
• A paper submitted to a conference in Europe was accepted, following much concern about the low rate of acceptance at the conference. Now I can start planning a trip to the EU in August. And I can list it as 'accepted' on my vita.
  
• My third year review will be a month later than I thought it would be. Maybe enough time for one more submission.
  
• A student decided that he didn't have time to do a thesis with me, saving me the conversation which would have been quite unpleasant.
• A student who owed me work from last semester turned things in without prompting (!)
  
• Things are falling into place for a big name Librarian to visit campus. Everyone who I've asked to cancel or move something to accommodate his visit has been happy to do so. Class room space is magically available without any fuss. Fantastic.
  
• The Nurnberg EisBar Baby was deemed well enough to get a name.
  

Reading for Pleasure Wednesday: The Mercy Seat

I read HarpSong by Rilla Askew back in August and I have been on a hunt for her books ever since. She is an Oklahoman writer and some of her books are out of print so they are difficult to find here in the Upper MidWest. My librarian aunt found all three of the books she's written through her sources and gave them to me for Christmas . Anyway, I am nearly done with The Mercy Seat and I'm still enjoying the author. HarpSong was like nothing I've read before - a mix of poetry/song and prose. Set in the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression it tracked a couple as they attempted to find a place to make a living and be together.
The Mercy Seat still incorporates the sense of changing perspectives and connection with the otherworld but is entirely composed of prose. It is about a family that moves from Tennesee to the Indian Territory and what they suffer along the way. It's built around family conflict (although I find the dust jacket somewhat misleading about the plot). In both books, Askew has a clear sense of place and describes the land and the people in a compelling way. In fact, sometimes I feel as if she's describing place even when she's talking about people. At times though, the prose is as if someone had entered a trance and was recounting the events before them through the lens of the future. The voice provides perspective and interpretation but you aren't quite sure what it all means. The writing is truly beautiful which means I'm reading much slower than usual because I don't want to fall asleep while reading it, but it's wroth it.

Pride/Insecurity

I read this post and I think this is the first of a series of blog posts on Pride and Insecurity. My response is disorganized even now, so I have been slow to reply, even though the initial post was very thought provoking. It came on the heels of me trying to answer the question "what are you proud of having accomplished so far in your life?", assembling my research documents for my 3rd year review, discussing pride as a sin while reading The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer, and discussing insecurities in the review process with another junior colleague. Each of these seems to me to be a different facet of pride....

What am I proud of?

I feel like I've accomplished quite a bit in a work related sense in the last few years. Although I should perhaps say that I am proud of my research accomplishments (the main focus of my job), I'm actually more proud of standing up in front of a class and teaching on a regular basis. Not so much because of the impact that I might have on my students (although I hope for that) but because of overcoming a pretty strong case of stage fright in doing so. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing my work in print. But that seems to come more easily to me than building rapport with a large group. And I know if I persist I'll eventually get the piece published or find funding to accomplish the project I have in mind. I'm really not sure that I'll eventually become a teacher that inspires students.

In a similar vein,other moments when I've felt particularly accomplished include continuing to drive after spinning out in a left turn on the snow, completing the first steps in an eskimo roll (I've yet to complete an eskimo roll successfully on my own), and rappelling for the first time, having my mother complement a photo that I took, being complimented on an outfit that I put together without help from my sister or friends.

It's almost as if I know I can succeed at intellectual things and have always been good at that so while I appreciate those accomplishments, I can't say they are things I would point to. Instead , I take pride in succeeding at the things that come more slowly to me. The things that I have to work at.

BookStore Drama

In the spring I teach 2 classes. A large undergraduate class (60?) on a survey of library theory and a small graduate class on applied library science - specifically how to determine what card catalog number a book requires and then how to arrange a library most effectively so that individuals can access the books.

Well, the undergraduate class now has 80 enrolled. And it creeps up everyday. There are 2 books assigned for this class. One that focuses on the theory behind selecting reading material, assigning card catalog numbers, and running programs. and one that provides a good reference for how others have done these things, has fantastic charts and graphs, but is totally out of date on the theory. The bookstore informed me that the second book is out of print because a 'new edition' has come out that isn't really all that new, just more expensive. So the bookstore was going to collect used editions of the old version - and they have now collected about 60 of them.

I think I'm faced with a set of choices:
1) allow students to use either edition and have my TA match topics/page numbers for the syllabus. This could work because the 'updates' are really adding a whole new chapter and the charts and tables are virtually unchanged. It can only work as a solution for this year.
2) switch to the new version wholeheartedly and send back all used editions and deal with the fact that students might not have the book the first week of class. This is an annoying choice because it promotes the scam that is revised editions. If I keep using this book, I'll have to do this next year anyway though.
3) ditch this book entirely. Scan in the most important charts to the web courseware. Identify chapters from other books to supplement the theory book so that there is both a presentation of the 'what' to do and the 'how' for each topic. I would love to do this, but I think that most students won't download and read scanned chapters and maybe can't handle the shifting voices that come from reading multiple authors. I also think I might bump up against fair use issues because there aren't so many other books to draw from.

I have until tomorrow to decide what to do since I have to keep the bookstore in the loop.

House Update

I have an accepted offer. (Although last year I had two deals fall apart at the point of inspection). Here's hoping this house is as good as it looks.

Tiny Bears

Baby things are always cute, but this new polar bear is especially cute (I know B* is all about pandas, but this could compete). There's a video listed as one of the 'most popular' on CNN's main website (but I can't figure out how to link to it directly. Watch - you can see it snore and cry and eat and snore again. Wouldn't it be fun to take care of?

(I'm kind of sad that they have to wear gloves to take care of it. I'd want to pet it and cuddle it.)

Baffled.

So I've been slow to take on serious supervision of doctoral students because I wanted to be sure that I knew what I was doing before I started telling someone else what to do. So last year I felt 'ready' to consider a student and there weren't any good doctoral applications in my areas, but there was a masters level student who seemed to be quite qualified. Exciting. I can get my feet wet with a small scale project and if I'm lucky recruit her along to a doctoral candidate (we are desperate for doctoral level personnel in my field). She did an undergraduate thesis so I know she has a sense of the research process. But... (can you see that coming?)

This student seems to have lots of personal issues that interfere with her ability to follow through. She keeps missing meetings. She is unprepared for meetings. She is early or late for meetings. I am baffled. So we had a discussion about respecting my time and being professional. And I thought she was on the right track.

And then at meetings I have to keep verbally pulling her back to the topic at hand and reminding her that there's more than one way to approach the data. And encourage her not to dismiss anything that doesn't conform to her view as non-relevant. I thought this could be over come. More reading, more discussion. It will work. Especially because I think she dismisses things because they are hard and she doesn't want to show that she doesn't understand. Not a great coping strategy, but one that can be worked through.

At the end of the fall term we made an appointment to meet and go over data over the break (because she thought this was the best time for her, less stressful & more suited to scheduling around her personal life issues). Well, she's missed that meeting completely and didn't respond to email about rescheduling. So I went to the trouble of looking up her spring course schedule just to see where we stand (maybe she decided to drop the thesis option and her enrollment will reflect this and she hasn't told me yet?). Well, she's not enrolled at all in anything for the spring. That's quite suspect actually. I don't know whether to be angry or concerned.

Nail Bitter

Oh my goodness. The democratic presidential nomination is totally a nail bitter for me. McCain is leading on the republican side. And Hillary looks to be edging ahead by just a smidge over Obama (10% reporting right now). Edwards is looking like a solid third and Richardson not even in double digits.

I can't decide what I think about Hillary vs. Obama. On the one hand I worry about Clinton's electability. On the other hand, I'd like to see a woman up front for once. And I can say from hearing her speak she is one sharp woman. Obama has vision. He gave an inspirational sermon, a bit short on the details. In contrast, Clinton has the details. She lays out an agenda. She gave a specific, funny, intelligent speech on what she plans to accomplish. On the flip side, I do think that Clinton will be divisive candidate and it seems across party lines, people are calling Obama a unity candidate.

And I think McCain could be competative for the republicans against either one. Oh gee....

Life Hunting

So one of my projects for this spring is house hunting. On the surface this would seem simple. I know the space needs I have right now (bedroom, office, guest room, enough space/an adequate layout in the main living areas that I can have up to 12 people over comfortably, a well laid out kitchen, a covered garage, and a fenced yard). The last two are negotiable. The rest aren'tI understand what I want in a house aside from space (old, charming, fun details, non-conventional, neighborhood-y feel, gas kitchen & heat). Simple, right?

Unfortunately house hunting is not so simple. It's such a big purchase that it causes me to project forward 5-10 years about what I see as the future for my life. Assuming I get tenure (3 years off), there's the question of do I stay here or move? And assuming I stay here, there's the question of how will I be using space in 5 years: Will it still just be me living in the house? Will I be married (and if so will I sell the house and buy a new one?)? Will I have a child? Can the house support having a child without me having to move? If I don't have a child, how will I make good use of the space that I have - Will I rent the basement out to others? Will I provide a place for people in transition (e.g. a postdoc moving mid year or a visiting scholar)? Do I really want other people who aren't related to me living in my house? How will others perceive the house - as pretentiously large since they don't know what I am contemplating? (Do I care what others think?)

And ultimately being that invested in what a house says about my future can lead to great disappointment if the deals fall through. Because instead of feeling like you're walking away from what is really a business deal it feels like walking away from a dream.

Creativity

So I think I've solved the creativity part of the resolution. I'm going to sign up for a digital photography class at the local rec center. (The pottery class meets the same night that I teach a late class and so just doesn't work, even though it would be more messy fun). I think in both cases the medium appeals to my perfectionist streak. Clay that doesn't look right can be mushed up and put back. Digital photos can be deleted. Either way, you don't have your mistakes around to trouble you. I'm also doing a 365 Project blog. You can email me if you want to follow along (photos are a bit more revealing than writing, so I'd like to keep closer track of who's there).