Pride/Insecurity II

The first post on this topic is here.
We are so wrapped up in self-esteem and self-actualization that pride seems like a virtue to us. Take pride in your work! Be proud of yourself. Or, as happened in children's moment in church this sunday - "Everyone who is proud of their children, please raise their hand!" Of course the church was a sea of waving arms.

But Pride is listed among the 7 deadly sins. And people even say it's the greatest sin of all. Pride isn't just being self-centered, although it is that. Pride is pushing God out of the center of our life, by putting ourselves in His place. It's failing to acknowledge that God is the source of all good. That no good thing comes to us of our own effort.

So when I write a grant or publish an article - is that using the gifts given to me or is it something from my own efforts? In a profession all about individual achievement, how do I go about giving glory to God? When I work academically, it's a bit easier to see how my work points back to God. God gave me my intelligence. My work honors Him.

But why do I take the most pride in things that come more slowly more difficulty? I think because it's easier to feel like I did that. I conquered my fear. I composed a good photograph. I put in the effort. I worked at it. I did it. No one else.

I! I! I!

I don't know.

One more good thing

The last baby scoops of pumpkin and graham central station ice cream until next season.

Good News

• My house inspection went well. Sometime around mid-March I should be a home owner for the first time.
  
• A paper submitted to a conference in Europe was accepted, following much concern about the low rate of acceptance at the conference. Now I can start planning a trip to the EU in August. And I can list it as 'accepted' on my vita.
  
• My third year review will be a month later than I thought it would be. Maybe enough time for one more submission.
  
• A student decided that he didn't have time to do a thesis with me, saving me the conversation which would have been quite unpleasant.
• A student who owed me work from last semester turned things in without prompting (!)
  
• Things are falling into place for a big name Librarian to visit campus. Everyone who I've asked to cancel or move something to accommodate his visit has been happy to do so. Class room space is magically available without any fuss. Fantastic.
  
• The Nurnberg EisBar Baby was deemed well enough to get a name.
  

Reading for Pleasure Wednesday: The Mercy Seat

I read HarpSong by Rilla Askew back in August and I have been on a hunt for her books ever since. She is an Oklahoman writer and some of her books are out of print so they are difficult to find here in the Upper MidWest. My librarian aunt found all three of the books she's written through her sources and gave them to me for Christmas . Anyway, I am nearly done with The Mercy Seat and I'm still enjoying the author. HarpSong was like nothing I've read before - a mix of poetry/song and prose. Set in the Dust Bowl and the Great Depression it tracked a couple as they attempted to find a place to make a living and be together.
The Mercy Seat still incorporates the sense of changing perspectives and connection with the otherworld but is entirely composed of prose. It is about a family that moves from Tennesee to the Indian Territory and what they suffer along the way. It's built around family conflict (although I find the dust jacket somewhat misleading about the plot). In both books, Askew has a clear sense of place and describes the land and the people in a compelling way. In fact, sometimes I feel as if she's describing place even when she's talking about people. At times though, the prose is as if someone had entered a trance and was recounting the events before them through the lens of the future. The voice provides perspective and interpretation but you aren't quite sure what it all means. The writing is truly beautiful which means I'm reading much slower than usual because I don't want to fall asleep while reading it, but it's wroth it.

Pride/Insecurity

I read this post and I think this is the first of a series of blog posts on Pride and Insecurity. My response is disorganized even now, so I have been slow to reply, even though the initial post was very thought provoking. It came on the heels of me trying to answer the question "what are you proud of having accomplished so far in your life?", assembling my research documents for my 3rd year review, discussing pride as a sin while reading The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer, and discussing insecurities in the review process with another junior colleague. Each of these seems to me to be a different facet of pride....

What am I proud of?

I feel like I've accomplished quite a bit in a work related sense in the last few years. Although I should perhaps say that I am proud of my research accomplishments (the main focus of my job), I'm actually more proud of standing up in front of a class and teaching on a regular basis. Not so much because of the impact that I might have on my students (although I hope for that) but because of overcoming a pretty strong case of stage fright in doing so. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing my work in print. But that seems to come more easily to me than building rapport with a large group. And I know if I persist I'll eventually get the piece published or find funding to accomplish the project I have in mind. I'm really not sure that I'll eventually become a teacher that inspires students.

In a similar vein,other moments when I've felt particularly accomplished include continuing to drive after spinning out in a left turn on the snow, completing the first steps in an eskimo roll (I've yet to complete an eskimo roll successfully on my own), and rappelling for the first time, having my mother complement a photo that I took, being complimented on an outfit that I put together without help from my sister or friends.

It's almost as if I know I can succeed at intellectual things and have always been good at that so while I appreciate those accomplishments, I can't say they are things I would point to. Instead , I take pride in succeeding at the things that come more slowly to me. The things that I have to work at.

BookStore Drama

In the spring I teach 2 classes. A large undergraduate class (60?) on a survey of library theory and a small graduate class on applied library science - specifically how to determine what card catalog number a book requires and then how to arrange a library most effectively so that individuals can access the books.

Well, the undergraduate class now has 80 enrolled. And it creeps up everyday. There are 2 books assigned for this class. One that focuses on the theory behind selecting reading material, assigning card catalog numbers, and running programs. and one that provides a good reference for how others have done these things, has fantastic charts and graphs, but is totally out of date on the theory. The bookstore informed me that the second book is out of print because a 'new edition' has come out that isn't really all that new, just more expensive. So the bookstore was going to collect used editions of the old version - and they have now collected about 60 of them.

I think I'm faced with a set of choices:
1) allow students to use either edition and have my TA match topics/page numbers for the syllabus. This could work because the 'updates' are really adding a whole new chapter and the charts and tables are virtually unchanged. It can only work as a solution for this year.
2) switch to the new version wholeheartedly and send back all used editions and deal with the fact that students might not have the book the first week of class. This is an annoying choice because it promotes the scam that is revised editions. If I keep using this book, I'll have to do this next year anyway though.
3) ditch this book entirely. Scan in the most important charts to the web courseware. Identify chapters from other books to supplement the theory book so that there is both a presentation of the 'what' to do and the 'how' for each topic. I would love to do this, but I think that most students won't download and read scanned chapters and maybe can't handle the shifting voices that come from reading multiple authors. I also think I might bump up against fair use issues because there aren't so many other books to draw from.

I have until tomorrow to decide what to do since I have to keep the bookstore in the loop.

House Update

I have an accepted offer. (Although last year I had two deals fall apart at the point of inspection). Here's hoping this house is as good as it looks.

Tiny Bears

Baby things are always cute, but this new polar bear is especially cute (I know B* is all about pandas, but this could compete). There's a video listed as one of the 'most popular' on CNN's main website (but I can't figure out how to link to it directly. Watch - you can see it snore and cry and eat and snore again. Wouldn't it be fun to take care of?

(I'm kind of sad that they have to wear gloves to take care of it. I'd want to pet it and cuddle it.)

Baffled.

So I've been slow to take on serious supervision of doctoral students because I wanted to be sure that I knew what I was doing before I started telling someone else what to do. So last year I felt 'ready' to consider a student and there weren't any good doctoral applications in my areas, but there was a masters level student who seemed to be quite qualified. Exciting. I can get my feet wet with a small scale project and if I'm lucky recruit her along to a doctoral candidate (we are desperate for doctoral level personnel in my field). She did an undergraduate thesis so I know she has a sense of the research process. But... (can you see that coming?)

This student seems to have lots of personal issues that interfere with her ability to follow through. She keeps missing meetings. She is unprepared for meetings. She is early or late for meetings. I am baffled. So we had a discussion about respecting my time and being professional. And I thought she was on the right track.

And then at meetings I have to keep verbally pulling her back to the topic at hand and reminding her that there's more than one way to approach the data. And encourage her not to dismiss anything that doesn't conform to her view as non-relevant. I thought this could be over come. More reading, more discussion. It will work. Especially because I think she dismisses things because they are hard and she doesn't want to show that she doesn't understand. Not a great coping strategy, but one that can be worked through.

At the end of the fall term we made an appointment to meet and go over data over the break (because she thought this was the best time for her, less stressful & more suited to scheduling around her personal life issues). Well, she's missed that meeting completely and didn't respond to email about rescheduling. So I went to the trouble of looking up her spring course schedule just to see where we stand (maybe she decided to drop the thesis option and her enrollment will reflect this and she hasn't told me yet?). Well, she's not enrolled at all in anything for the spring. That's quite suspect actually. I don't know whether to be angry or concerned.

Nail Bitter

Oh my goodness. The democratic presidential nomination is totally a nail bitter for me. McCain is leading on the republican side. And Hillary looks to be edging ahead by just a smidge over Obama (10% reporting right now). Edwards is looking like a solid third and Richardson not even in double digits.

I can't decide what I think about Hillary vs. Obama. On the one hand I worry about Clinton's electability. On the other hand, I'd like to see a woman up front for once. And I can say from hearing her speak she is one sharp woman. Obama has vision. He gave an inspirational sermon, a bit short on the details. In contrast, Clinton has the details. She lays out an agenda. She gave a specific, funny, intelligent speech on what she plans to accomplish. On the flip side, I do think that Clinton will be divisive candidate and it seems across party lines, people are calling Obama a unity candidate.

And I think McCain could be competative for the republicans against either one. Oh gee....

Life Hunting

So one of my projects for this spring is house hunting. On the surface this would seem simple. I know the space needs I have right now (bedroom, office, guest room, enough space/an adequate layout in the main living areas that I can have up to 12 people over comfortably, a well laid out kitchen, a covered garage, and a fenced yard). The last two are negotiable. The rest aren'tI understand what I want in a house aside from space (old, charming, fun details, non-conventional, neighborhood-y feel, gas kitchen & heat). Simple, right?

Unfortunately house hunting is not so simple. It's such a big purchase that it causes me to project forward 5-10 years about what I see as the future for my life. Assuming I get tenure (3 years off), there's the question of do I stay here or move? And assuming I stay here, there's the question of how will I be using space in 5 years: Will it still just be me living in the house? Will I be married (and if so will I sell the house and buy a new one?)? Will I have a child? Can the house support having a child without me having to move? If I don't have a child, how will I make good use of the space that I have - Will I rent the basement out to others? Will I provide a place for people in transition (e.g. a postdoc moving mid year or a visiting scholar)? Do I really want other people who aren't related to me living in my house? How will others perceive the house - as pretentiously large since they don't know what I am contemplating? (Do I care what others think?)

And ultimately being that invested in what a house says about my future can lead to great disappointment if the deals fall through. Because instead of feeling like you're walking away from what is really a business deal it feels like walking away from a dream.

Creativity

So I think I've solved the creativity part of the resolution. I'm going to sign up for a digital photography class at the local rec center. (The pottery class meets the same night that I teach a late class and so just doesn't work, even though it would be more messy fun). I think in both cases the medium appeals to my perfectionist streak. Clay that doesn't look right can be mushed up and put back. Digital photos can be deleted. Either way, you don't have your mistakes around to trouble you. I'm also doing a 365 Project blog. You can email me if you want to follow along (photos are a bit more revealing than writing, so I'd like to keep closer track of who's there).

Decisions Decisions

So I've been struck by the news of elections lately. Iowa and New Hampshire are rapidly approaching the time at which the first US electoral decisions are made. Followed forthwith by Florida, Nevada and South Carolina. I am faced with deciding in the near future who I want to vote for. Do I vote for the candidate who inspires me? Or for the candidate who is most electable in the general election (and who will be most palatable to my red republican family members?)? Or for the candidate who looks like they have gained enough momentum to win?

Fortunately, as a Democrat this year, I am fairly happy with the slate so it's just a matter of deciding who I really really like (rather than the usual deciding who I dislike the least). Remarkably for the candidates who are running there has been much discussion of class divisions but little of racial or gender divisions. I've had the privilege of being up close and personal with 4 of the major candidates in the last 6 months. It is remarkable how different they play in an hour and a half stump speech as opposed to in a sound bite or on a carefully crafted website policy statement. I'm truly torn about who I will stand for when my turn to express my opinion comes around.

Even as our electoral process goes forward, I've been struck by the reports of elections all over the world. Even under great duress (the Civil War) we have held elections as a nation and despite remarkably close elections in the recent past, we have accepted the results peaceably. Contrast this with the elections in Kenya where distrust of a close electoral result led to significant ethnic/class violence or Pakistan where the assignation death of a leading political figure has led to widespread rioting, significant loss of life and property, and delayed elections. Can you imagine being afraid to vote for fear of retribution? Can you imagine dreading an election because the results, whatever they might be, would lead to riots and burning people from the opposing party alive?

Interestingly at the rallies I've been at for Hillary some of her most ardent supporters are elderly women. (The campaign seems to have anticipated this, providing local organizers with snow shovels to dig these women out.) Imagine being a woman alive today and able to vote and remembering that your mother couldn't vote (the 19th amendment was passed in 1919 and women first voted in the presidential election of 1920, so I doubt anyone is alive today who actually remembers not being able to vote). As a young woman who has always had the right to vote, that does not stir me in the same way that I see it visibly stirring women the age of my grandmother. I can only imagine a similar ideal appealing to African Americans and Hispanics.

We live in a country where we can vote safely and without fear for any candidate that we choose. A country in which all citizens are empowered to participate fully in the democratic process. And yet I know people who aren't engaged and informed about the political process. How will they make their decisions when they step into the voting booth? And I know people who don't plan to vote in the next two months for no reason at all. How do they make the decision to pass on a right that was so hard won? And I read about people who risk their life to express their opinion in elections that may not carry any weight at all. How do they make the decision to stand up and be counted?

Self Acceptance/Self Discipline

So I said in the previous post that I think a theme for this year could be acceptance and discipline. I know those two things seem at odds with each other, but I think they actually may go hand in hand.

The acceptance part really refers to things I can't change - things that are in many ways beyond my control: having a meaningful relationship with a man, connecting with people who share many of my interests and who I can truly be intimate with. I know I have some control over those things - I can put myself out there. I can join clubs and online dating sites. But in reality much of that is happenstance. Who else is there? Are they available emotionally and mentally to build a new friendship? Do we see the connection in time to make it grow?

I'd also like to try out accepting that this is what my life will be like for the rest of my life. That I won't ever marry. That I won't have kids. Maybe not having a close family will free me up for more volunteer work or more opportunities to travel and go and do things that have an impact on the world. I'd like to try to find ways to make those connections. It would be simpler all around to truly accept my circumstances and move on to the other opportunities available to me. On the other hand, maybe not having a family will just seem to lonely to me. If that's the case, then I'd like to start exploring things like the emotional commitment, time management and finances involved in having a child on my own - big brothers big sisters, being a foster parent, medical options for being pregnant....

The discipline part refers to things I can change - personal habits if you will. Exercise. Eating well. Being engaged in my community. Having better work habits. I've been good about all of these things in the past but really I've let them slide. I'd like to improve those things. I believe I can. I also think the process of documenting monthly goals and accomplishments ala Science Woman will be good for me.

So January Goals:

• Work
• Course Prep - complete syllabus, revamp lectures from (weak) 3rd topic in course, plan a compelling first day agenda
• Conference Submissions (3) - meet with student to complete analysis, do my part for collaborative work with colleague, schedule subjects
• Writing - try to write a serious theory paper out of grant introduction

• Personal
  
• Identify a place to volunteer at least 2 hrs/week
  
• Decide on and sign up for an art class - photo or pottery
• Arrange for doggy daycare so that I can do more serious exercise guilt free. Sign up for a class that builds core muscles (pilates? yoga?).
  
• Set aside time each day for prayer and self-reflection
• Plan menus and grocery shop so that I have what I need to cook at least 3 meals at home per week.
  
• Stay on top of dishes so that my kitchen is welcoming and not overwhelming.
  

• Relationship
• Write emails or letters to at least 4 friends who live far away
• Invite two people who I'd like to know better to lunch
• Call one family member per week other than my parents
  

So that list seems overwhelming, but I actually know that I am capable of all of that - especially since I don't start teaching for three weeks. And I also know that once I work that into my life, it won't be hard to maintain it, although it might slow down my consumption of 6 feet under DVDs. We'll see how I do at that in Feb.

New Year's Meme

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Successfully rolled a kayak. Submitted data from a project that was developed completely independently to a journal. Organized two conferences.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really make resolutions in 2007. I think I'd like to this year, but I'm working on what they should be. I think I need some theme ala profgrrrrl either about self-discipline or self-acceptance. Those may go a bit hand in hand. Seriously though, I'd like to

1. Exercise regularly. Not only walking but something that actually builds muscles and strength and coordination. (Practical strategy - take a class. Join a gym. Schedule a time not in the morning to do this).
   
2. Be more self-reflective (Practicaly strategy - this blog)
3. Pray regularly (Practical strategy - this could go well with 1, since exercise time often doesn't engage my brain, which is part of why I avoid it.)
4. Volunteer somewhere where I am in direct contact with the people I am serving (Practical Strategy - call the crisis center and free medical clinic next week).
   
5. Use my work time more productively so that I can play more (not sure how to strategize this one, except to avoid reading blogs and the news during work hours).
   
6. Develop my artistic side (Practical strategy - take a class in digital photography, pottery, and/or cooking).
   

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My Sister

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Grandpa

5. What countries did you visit?
None actually... But a new state (Maryland). I did travel a lot - just not outside the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A serious relationship.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Aug 6.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting my first article from new data out.
Learning to conquer panic underwater (kayak rolls).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting my grant funded (but it was scored, so that's not so bad). I'm not sure that there's anything this year that I'd count as a true failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new calendar. I know that sounds lame, but I really love the planner I started using last year. And maybe a new digital camera. But I still need to learn how to use it better to be sure.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My master's students

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A good friend who started dating and essentially ditched me.
My dad, who doesn't seem to be taking very good care of himself lately.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel for conferences. Take Out since I was too lazy to cook.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Submitting to a conference in Europe. Meeting a researcher who is really influencing where my work is going. Meeting my new nephew.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
I suck at musical things....and can't ever remember song titles.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) the same overall, perhaps happier because there's less family drama and stress b) fatter c)
richer (but this will change rapidly if I buy a house).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercised. Been self-reflective. Stayed in touch with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sleeping. TV watching (netflix is bad for feeding this habit).

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With Family

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Unfortunately, no.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
6 Feet Under. I know I'm behind the times, but I can't wait for the next DVD to arrive and it irritates me that only 2 episodes are on each DVD. A bit morbid, but good relationship writing.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, if anything I have a better relationship (or at least perspective) on several people who irritated me at this time last year.

25. What was the best book you read?
Not sure - Maybe What is the What by Dave Eggers. Maybe HarpSong by Rilla Askew.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmm. My Brother In Law's music collection?

27. What did you want and get?
A repaired friendship.

28. What did you want and not get?
A grant.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Jouyeux Noel. Good enough that it prompted me to tell people about it anyway. But see my answer to 35.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30 and spent the day in a low key way with friends.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A serious relationship. More self-discipline. A grant.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Uhm?

33. What kept you sane?
Probably my netflix subscription... Although I think I should give that up and get out more.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't know. I guess maybe the Democratic Presidential Candidates. But that might be who has fascinated me the most - who I've spent the most time studying. I think the lead in 6 feet under is hot, but I don't know if that counts.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I think the conflicts in Africa actually. I'm trying to figure out a way to get involved. But I've read two books (What is the What, A country in my Skull) and watched several movies (In my Country, Syriana, Hotel Rwanda, The Constant Gardener, Blood Diamond, Tsotsi) and been in conversation with a friend in the peace corps. All of which have convinced me that this is an area of the world in desperate straits, mostly brought about by our desire for oil and left over messes from colonialism. I'd like to do more than write a check, but I'm not quite sure what to do yet.

I'm also following the presidential election pretty closely. I have some decisions to make soon on that front and I'm still very puzzled about what I want.

36. Who did you miss?
My granddad. My new nephew. My best friend. It seems that most of the important people live far from me.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Hmmm a friend who is now gone, but will return next year.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
I learned, again, that I can be alone most of the time, even if it isn't my favorite thing. And that it's up to me to change that alone-ness into relationships.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
See 16.