Decisions Decisions

So I've been struck by the news of elections lately. Iowa and New Hampshire are rapidly approaching the time at which the first US electoral decisions are made. Followed forthwith by Florida, Nevada and South Carolina. I am faced with deciding in the near future who I want to vote for. Do I vote for the candidate who inspires me? Or for the candidate who is most electable in the general election (and who will be most palatable to my red republican family members?)? Or for the candidate who looks like they have gained enough momentum to win?

Fortunately, as a Democrat this year, I am fairly happy with the slate so it's just a matter of deciding who I really really like (rather than the usual deciding who I dislike the least). Remarkably for the candidates who are running there has been much discussion of class divisions but little of racial or gender divisions. I've had the privilege of being up close and personal with 4 of the major candidates in the last 6 months. It is remarkable how different they play in an hour and a half stump speech as opposed to in a sound bite or on a carefully crafted website policy statement. I'm truly torn about who I will stand for when my turn to express my opinion comes around.

Even as our electoral process goes forward, I've been struck by the reports of elections all over the world. Even under great duress (the Civil War) we have held elections as a nation and despite remarkably close elections in the recent past, we have accepted the results peaceably. Contrast this with the elections in Kenya where distrust of a close electoral result led to significant ethnic/class violence or Pakistan where the assignation death of a leading political figure has led to widespread rioting, significant loss of life and property, and delayed elections. Can you imagine being afraid to vote for fear of retribution? Can you imagine dreading an election because the results, whatever they might be, would lead to riots and burning people from the opposing party alive?

Interestingly at the rallies I've been at for Hillary some of her most ardent supporters are elderly women. (The campaign seems to have anticipated this, providing local organizers with snow shovels to dig these women out.) Imagine being a woman alive today and able to vote and remembering that your mother couldn't vote (the 19th amendment was passed in 1919 and women first voted in the presidential election of 1920, so I doubt anyone is alive today who actually remembers not being able to vote). As a young woman who has always had the right to vote, that does not stir me in the same way that I see it visibly stirring women the age of my grandmother. I can only imagine a similar ideal appealing to African Americans and Hispanics.

We live in a country where we can vote safely and without fear for any candidate that we choose. A country in which all citizens are empowered to participate fully in the democratic process. And yet I know people who aren't engaged and informed about the political process. How will they make their decisions when they step into the voting booth? And I know people who don't plan to vote in the next two months for no reason at all. How do they make the decision to pass on a right that was so hard won? And I read about people who risk their life to express their opinion in elections that may not carry any weight at all. How do they make the decision to stand up and be counted?

Self Acceptance/Self Discipline

So I said in the previous post that I think a theme for this year could be acceptance and discipline. I know those two things seem at odds with each other, but I think they actually may go hand in hand.

The acceptance part really refers to things I can't change - things that are in many ways beyond my control: having a meaningful relationship with a man, connecting with people who share many of my interests and who I can truly be intimate with. I know I have some control over those things - I can put myself out there. I can join clubs and online dating sites. But in reality much of that is happenstance. Who else is there? Are they available emotionally and mentally to build a new friendship? Do we see the connection in time to make it grow?

I'd also like to try out accepting that this is what my life will be like for the rest of my life. That I won't ever marry. That I won't have kids. Maybe not having a close family will free me up for more volunteer work or more opportunities to travel and go and do things that have an impact on the world. I'd like to try to find ways to make those connections. It would be simpler all around to truly accept my circumstances and move on to the other opportunities available to me. On the other hand, maybe not having a family will just seem to lonely to me. If that's the case, then I'd like to start exploring things like the emotional commitment, time management and finances involved in having a child on my own - big brothers big sisters, being a foster parent, medical options for being pregnant....

The discipline part refers to things I can change - personal habits if you will. Exercise. Eating well. Being engaged in my community. Having better work habits. I've been good about all of these things in the past but really I've let them slide. I'd like to improve those things. I believe I can. I also think the process of documenting monthly goals and accomplishments ala Science Woman will be good for me.

So January Goals:

• Work
• Course Prep - complete syllabus, revamp lectures from (weak) 3rd topic in course, plan a compelling first day agenda
• Conference Submissions (3) - meet with student to complete analysis, do my part for collaborative work with colleague, schedule subjects
• Writing - try to write a serious theory paper out of grant introduction

• Personal
  
• Identify a place to volunteer at least 2 hrs/week
  
• Decide on and sign up for an art class - photo or pottery
• Arrange for doggy daycare so that I can do more serious exercise guilt free. Sign up for a class that builds core muscles (pilates? yoga?).
  
• Set aside time each day for prayer and self-reflection
• Plan menus and grocery shop so that I have what I need to cook at least 3 meals at home per week.
  
• Stay on top of dishes so that my kitchen is welcoming and not overwhelming.
  

• Relationship
• Write emails or letters to at least 4 friends who live far away
• Invite two people who I'd like to know better to lunch
• Call one family member per week other than my parents
  

So that list seems overwhelming, but I actually know that I am capable of all of that - especially since I don't start teaching for three weeks. And I also know that once I work that into my life, it won't be hard to maintain it, although it might slow down my consumption of 6 feet under DVDs. We'll see how I do at that in Feb.

New Year's Meme

1. What did you do in 2007 that you’d never done before?
Successfully rolled a kayak. Submitted data from a project that was developed completely independently to a journal. Organized two conferences.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really make resolutions in 2007. I think I'd like to this year, but I'm working on what they should be. I think I need some theme ala profgrrrrl either about self-discipline or self-acceptance. Those may go a bit hand in hand. Seriously though, I'd like to

1. Exercise regularly. Not only walking but something that actually builds muscles and strength and coordination. (Practical strategy - take a class. Join a gym. Schedule a time not in the morning to do this).
   
2. Be more self-reflective (Practicaly strategy - this blog)
3. Pray regularly (Practical strategy - this could go well with 1, since exercise time often doesn't engage my brain, which is part of why I avoid it.)
4. Volunteer somewhere where I am in direct contact with the people I am serving (Practical Strategy - call the crisis center and free medical clinic next week).
   
5. Use my work time more productively so that I can play more (not sure how to strategize this one, except to avoid reading blogs and the news during work hours).
   
6. Develop my artistic side (Practical strategy - take a class in digital photography, pottery, and/or cooking).
   

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
My Sister

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Grandpa

5. What countries did you visit?
None actually... But a new state (Maryland). I did travel a lot - just not outside the US.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
A serious relationship.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Aug 6.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting my first article from new data out.
Learning to conquer panic underwater (kayak rolls).

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting my grant funded (but it was scored, so that's not so bad). I'm not sure that there's anything this year that I'd count as a true failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A new calendar. I know that sounds lame, but I really love the planner I started using last year. And maybe a new digital camera. But I still need to learn how to use it better to be sure.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My master's students

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A good friend who started dating and essentially ditched me.
My dad, who doesn't seem to be taking very good care of himself lately.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel for conferences. Take Out since I was too lazy to cook.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Submitting to a conference in Europe. Meeting a researcher who is really influencing where my work is going. Meeting my new nephew.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
I suck at musical things....and can't ever remember song titles.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
a) the same overall, perhaps happier because there's less family drama and stress b) fatter c)
richer (but this will change rapidly if I buy a house).

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercised. Been self-reflective. Stayed in touch with friends.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Sleeping. TV watching (netflix is bad for feeding this habit).

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With Family

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Unfortunately, no.

22. How many one-night stands?
None.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
6 Feet Under. I know I'm behind the times, but I can't wait for the next DVD to arrive and it irritates me that only 2 episodes are on each DVD. A bit morbid, but good relationship writing.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
No, if anything I have a better relationship (or at least perspective) on several people who irritated me at this time last year.

25. What was the best book you read?
Not sure - Maybe What is the What by Dave Eggers. Maybe HarpSong by Rilla Askew.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hmm. My Brother In Law's music collection?

27. What did you want and get?
A repaired friendship.

28. What did you want and not get?
A grant.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Jouyeux Noel. Good enough that it prompted me to tell people about it anyway. But see my answer to 35.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 30 and spent the day in a low key way with friends.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A serious relationship. More self-discipline. A grant.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
Uhm?

33. What kept you sane?
Probably my netflix subscription... Although I think I should give that up and get out more.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I don't know. I guess maybe the Democratic Presidential Candidates. But that might be who has fascinated me the most - who I've spent the most time studying. I think the lead in 6 feet under is hot, but I don't know if that counts.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
I think the conflicts in Africa actually. I'm trying to figure out a way to get involved. But I've read two books (What is the What, A country in my Skull) and watched several movies (In my Country, Syriana, Hotel Rwanda, The Constant Gardener, Blood Diamond, Tsotsi) and been in conversation with a friend in the peace corps. All of which have convinced me that this is an area of the world in desperate straits, mostly brought about by our desire for oil and left over messes from colonialism. I'd like to do more than write a check, but I'm not quite sure what to do yet.

I'm also following the presidential election pretty closely. I have some decisions to make soon on that front and I'm still very puzzled about what I want.

36. Who did you miss?
My granddad. My new nephew. My best friend. It seems that most of the important people live far from me.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Hmmm a friend who is now gone, but will return next year.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007.
I learned, again, that I can be alone most of the time, even if it isn't my favorite thing. And that it's up to me to change that alone-ness into relationships.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
See 16.