It all started here.What an incredible journey. What a blessing.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Vote!
I voted today. It took me about 15 min. No real lines to speak of. Let's hope it's that easy everywhere. But it's definately what everyone is talking about.
Yesterday - grading. This morning more grading. No real writing. Need to make a review sheet for my students' final and write the final and then I can be free of class problems and focus.
Yesterday - grading. This morning more grading. No real writing. Need to make a review sheet for my students' final and write the final and then I can be free of class problems and focus.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Two days - 0 Words
So what have I been doing instead of writing on the projects in the sidebar?
-cleaned kitchen from halloween party
-raked leaves
-prepped for Romans bible study
-made salad
-canvased for GOTV campaign
-obsessively checked political websites
-finished reading Three Cups of Tea
-procrastinated grading
Today's projects:
1) Finish conference talk - it's really close conceptually and just needs words on paper/stats made into graphs to be done.
-- I'm actually about 1500 words into this talk so my numbers should look really good all of a sudden if I follow through here.
2) Grade 10 papers so that I can assign final grades this evening when group talks are given.
3) Nag student re: Poster so that can get wrapped up as well.
4) Read paper that should help set up Internal grant
That's enough I think.
-cleaned kitchen from halloween party
-raked leaves
-prepped for Romans bible study
-made salad
-canvased for GOTV campaign
-obsessively checked political websites
-finished reading Three Cups of Tea
-procrastinated grading
Today's projects:
1) Finish conference talk - it's really close conceptually and just needs words on paper/stats made into graphs to be done.
-- I'm actually about 1500 words into this talk so my numbers should look really good all of a sudden if I follow through here.
2) Grade 10 papers so that I can assign final grades this evening when group talks are given.
3) Nag student re: Poster so that can get wrapped up as well.
4) Read paper that should help set up Internal grant
That's enough I think.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Comfort Reading
As seen here and here via New Kid. When I first read the title I thought it must be referring to books one reads while in crisis. And for me at least what I read in the midst of the crisis is very different from what they've been describing, which is what one reads once the crisis has past and one is left to cope.
In the midst of crisis - that is, on the plane to the funeral or sitting in the hospital or waiting for the news on the phone - I read thrillers. As gory and light as possible. I discovered Robert Ludlum and read The Aquitaine Possession while my aunt was in the hospital in a coma two years ago. While my Granny was dying my whole family read everything written by Dan Brown - we traded the books around based on who was sitting with her while she slept. I have no idea if any of these are really good books but it doesn't matter because the whole point was to turn your brain off. They at least did that. (Having read more of Ludlum in a better frame of mind, I'm not sure they really turn a fully functioning brain off.... just a brain stupified with terror and grief). Books by people like J.D. Robb would also work. I tend to avoid favorite books at times like these because I don't want to contaminate them with the situation. (The Da Vinci Code will always be, for me, the book I read while my grandmother was dying and never a pop culture hit).
At various points after that, I've read other books that I found deeply moving and encouraging and comforting in my current situation. Anne Lamont's book Traveling Mercies and Plan B spoke deeply to me in the months afterwards. Neither of these books is about death actually - and they both are sharp and rather funny in a quirky sort of way- but they seemed to deal with grief in short bursts within particular stories. Around the same time, I reread Anne McCaffery's novel The Ship Who Sang which had just seemed like a nice fantasy story to me before and I was struck on the rereading by how overwhelmed the story was by the grief and sadness. The afterword says something about how it was written following a death of someone close to McCaffery, but I guess until I experienced that sort of grief, the intensity didn't come through to me.
Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking is more a book about death, but I also found it interesting and comforting - of course I read it almost 3 years later and so was much more removed. I don't think I could have borne it immediately after a death. More recently Alice Munro's new book, Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage, took me back through some of those emotions and fears and the HBO TV series Six Feet Under has also been cathartic for me. The Alice Munro book, like Anne Lamont's, is a collection of short stories, which seems to me like the best thing to give. Because when each of these dip close in to death and fears about mortality, the next story pulls away and makes you laugh or have hope or get angry. The pull and push of the different tales keeps things moving along without getting too maudlin.
New Kid's list seemed to be more books she returns to over and over. When I am doing that, I go to anything by Anne McCaffery, Orson Scott Card, or L.M. Montgomery. Like the way she describes the Little House books I can read and reread and reread any of the series and enjoy them. I also have a few childhood favorites that never fail to please me. The Ordinary Princess and Goodbye Pink Pig are two - but I wouldn't give them to someone else. I think I love them because they represent pieces of my childhood and things I was processing as a child. Perhaps in the same way that Cat's Eye does for New Kid. I could list many more childhood favorites, but I think maybe I answered the original question in the previous paragraph.
In the midst of crisis - that is, on the plane to the funeral or sitting in the hospital or waiting for the news on the phone - I read thrillers. As gory and light as possible. I discovered Robert Ludlum and read The Aquitaine Possession while my aunt was in the hospital in a coma two years ago. While my Granny was dying my whole family read everything written by Dan Brown - we traded the books around based on who was sitting with her while she slept. I have no idea if any of these are really good books but it doesn't matter because the whole point was to turn your brain off. They at least did that. (Having read more of Ludlum in a better frame of mind, I'm not sure they really turn a fully functioning brain off.... just a brain stupified with terror and grief). Books by people like J.D. Robb would also work. I tend to avoid favorite books at times like these because I don't want to contaminate them with the situation. (The Da Vinci Code will always be, for me, the book I read while my grandmother was dying and never a pop culture hit).
At various points after that, I've read other books that I found deeply moving and encouraging and comforting in my current situation. Anne Lamont's book Traveling Mercies and Plan B spoke deeply to me in the months afterwards. Neither of these books is about death actually - and they both are sharp and rather funny in a quirky sort of way- but they seemed to deal with grief in short bursts within particular stories. Around the same time, I reread Anne McCaffery's novel The Ship Who Sang which had just seemed like a nice fantasy story to me before and I was struck on the rereading by how overwhelmed the story was by the grief and sadness. The afterword says something about how it was written following a death of someone close to McCaffery, but I guess until I experienced that sort of grief, the intensity didn't come through to me.
Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking is more a book about death, but I also found it interesting and comforting - of course I read it almost 3 years later and so was much more removed. I don't think I could have borne it immediately after a death. More recently Alice Munro's new book, Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage, took me back through some of those emotions and fears and the HBO TV series Six Feet Under has also been cathartic for me. The Alice Munro book, like Anne Lamont's, is a collection of short stories, which seems to me like the best thing to give. Because when each of these dip close in to death and fears about mortality, the next story pulls away and makes you laugh or have hope or get angry. The pull and push of the different tales keeps things moving along without getting too maudlin.
New Kid's list seemed to be more books she returns to over and over. When I am doing that, I go to anything by Anne McCaffery, Orson Scott Card, or L.M. Montgomery. Like the way she describes the Little House books I can read and reread and reread any of the series and enjoy them. I also have a few childhood favorites that never fail to please me. The Ordinary Princess and Goodbye Pink Pig are two - but I wouldn't give them to someone else. I think I love them because they represent pieces of my childhood and things I was processing as a child. Perhaps in the same way that Cat's Eye does for New Kid. I could list many more childhood favorites, but I think maybe I answered the original question in the previous paragraph.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Church (3)
So I think what What Now really wanted to know isn't so much about how I got to attending this new church, but what it's like attending a new church. Interestingly, I haven't yet decided to change churches. Mentally I'm thinking of this as a temporary hiatus while I sort things out.
Partly it's a temporary hiatus because I'm not sure that an Episcopal church would be what I would choose to attend if I were to leave [Old Church]. At the same time that I like the liberal policies in principle (ordination of homosexuals, for instance; the millennium development goals ), I find the Episcopal church a bit too liberal (the sermon two weeks ago, basically said it didn't matter what world religion you subscribe to, it all leads to God, and I'm not there). I also don't really believe in an apostolic church, which is the basis for the church structure I think. As a thinking Christian, I think it would be hard to find a church that I agree with in all things, though, so maybe this is as good as it gets.
Partly because I still would really like to like my old church. I like the small group I'm in. I like the community in general. I just really disagree with them about lots of things. The senior pastor is about 5 years away from retirement, so maybe I could end up back there then. On the other hand I don't think I could attend for 5 years and be okay. But really, the congregation chooses the pastor and the congregation elects the elders (who set the church budget) so maybe what I'm discovering is that I don't really agree with the congregation in many important ways. That's hard to admit.
But it could also be a hiatus because maybe what I'm mad about isn't mission goals or worship style. Maybe what I'm mad about is God's plan for my life. I would really like to be married. I think I would be a good partner. I think I'd like to be raising a family. And I don't really understand why God hasn't put that person in front of me. I was talking with a friend who I respect at [Old Church] about this struggle and she asked me at one point how I'd dealt with my anger at God over this. Well, I haven't really.
But I do think she's right that I am mad at God about being single. And I think this is exacerbated by having everyone in my small group married with kids or engaged to be married (this wasn't true 3 years ago). Everyone except me. So yeah, I'm mad. Or at least deeply disappointed. And maybe I'm taking out my anger by leaving [Old Church]. This seems really unproductive to me since I'm being angry at God but just going to a different church. Or maybe I'm secretly hoping that I'll meet someone by changing churches since clearly the church I've been attending hasn't met this need. (I am hoping this, this might have been a subconscious motivation at some point, but it's not anymore. But I think it's not the main motivation because I don't think that this particular church would be where I would end up, given the demographics).
So what's attendance like? I am trying very hard to attend under the radar. I arrive just in time to sit down. I leave immediately and with a minimum of hand shaking if possible. I don't speak to anyone if I can help it. I don't fill out the welcome guest cards or sign the guest book. (But in a smallish church, showing up every Sunday pretty much puts you on the radar screen*). And it's nice. I'm not distracted by the local church politics. I don't yet care what mission they are supporting. I don't need to try to remember Mrs. Jones' daughter's name or who was sick last week. And at the same time it's weird. Because I've always been INVOLVED in churches I attended. I've been the lay leader. I've led children's ministries. I've served in a deacon-like role. It's odd to show up and leave. And since writing a check or chatting would blow my cover, well, I'm consciously not donating to the ACS Team or buying baked goods from the youth or greeting people who are biking across the state to raise money or attending the reception to meet the bishop. It's very odd to be participating in corporate worship with one community and participating in Christian community without the worship somewhere else. And at some point I think I'll have to pick. And once I pick, I'm sure I'll find lots of problems in the current church. I already am aware of some of the denominational conflicts that I could end up facing. And I'm sure I'll care what the budget is and where the mission dollars go and how they are building the youth group and what precisely is the theology on being saved and on and on and on.
Sometimes I attend and I don't really feel Grace until communion. And at least once I came and went with nothing really shifting inside me. Sometimes the music is so bad it's distracting. Sometimes the sermon challenges me and sometimes I'm left thinking yeah that's a bit too out there. The sermon is preached and the service is officiated by some rotation amoung people that is non-transparent. (6+ people seem to have permission to preach and 3+ people permission to officiate the eucharist.... I don't like the style of all of them, but since they rotate in and out alot, well... I don't have to listen to any one of them too often). And I don't always fully attend to the prayers. I actually drift in and out of attention to the service and to do lists and mental diatribes and comparisons with [Old Church]. That said, anytime I refocus on the service I find myself pointed back toward God. So I figure that any inability to worship lies with me and not with the service. Communion involves going forward and kneeling to receive the Eucharist and that physical motion is really helpful for put me in the right place and getting me undistracted at least momentarily. Depending on the week, I am either entirely at peace or deeply conflicted about being there. No matter what I leave feeling SOMETHING. And I guess I think that's good. But I wouldn't want to have to explain my feelings to someone else yet.
*And about 2 months in to attending, I'd say the clergy definitely know that I exist and that they don't know who I am and are in some various state of trying - not very hard- to make me feel welcome enough to disclose who I am. Some member of the clergy says hello to me at the passing of the peace every week and since I routinely sit in an outside pew in the back they have to work hard at that. At the end of worship, they also don't just shake my hand anymore, they say something that if I felt like having an opening would be one. And disconcertingly the rector popped in for the Eucharist today - someone else was officiating - and sat next to me. It was a logical open seat, but there were lots of other logical open seats. At the end of worship, he let me slip out in my own way without initiating conversation so perhaps it was really just the logical open seat... Or perhaps I was vibrating with tension and conflict and he was sensitive enough to that not to push. In terms of feeling something, I had to concentrate hard to stay focused on worship and not think what will I say if he asks me why I'm attending etc. Which is crazy because that would not be the first thing anyone would say to a new attendee.
The thing is I don't really want to explain that I'm changing churches or just visiting or been in the community a while because I'm not ready to explain that.
And so, I am very conflicted about what I'm doing. I haven't told my small group. I'm kind of waiting for one of them to say "Hey, I haven't seen you in church much lately". I don't think they'll be happy with my current decision. But I think that conversation is coming soon - in the next 2-3 weeks. I don't think they'll say well, you can't be a part of the small group, but I do see some of the ties breaking a bit because of something like this.
Partly it's a temporary hiatus because I'm not sure that an Episcopal church would be what I would choose to attend if I were to leave [Old Church]. At the same time that I like the liberal policies in principle (ordination of homosexuals, for instance; the millennium development goals ), I find the Episcopal church a bit too liberal (the sermon two weeks ago, basically said it didn't matter what world religion you subscribe to, it all leads to God, and I'm not there). I also don't really believe in an apostolic church, which is the basis for the church structure I think. As a thinking Christian, I think it would be hard to find a church that I agree with in all things, though, so maybe this is as good as it gets.
Partly because I still would really like to like my old church. I like the small group I'm in. I like the community in general. I just really disagree with them about lots of things. The senior pastor is about 5 years away from retirement, so maybe I could end up back there then. On the other hand I don't think I could attend for 5 years and be okay. But really, the congregation chooses the pastor and the congregation elects the elders (who set the church budget) so maybe what I'm discovering is that I don't really agree with the congregation in many important ways. That's hard to admit.
But it could also be a hiatus because maybe what I'm mad about isn't mission goals or worship style. Maybe what I'm mad about is God's plan for my life. I would really like to be married. I think I would be a good partner. I think I'd like to be raising a family. And I don't really understand why God hasn't put that person in front of me. I was talking with a friend who I respect at [Old Church] about this struggle and she asked me at one point how I'd dealt with my anger at God over this. Well, I haven't really.
But I do think she's right that I am mad at God about being single. And I think this is exacerbated by having everyone in my small group married with kids or engaged to be married (this wasn't true 3 years ago). Everyone except me. So yeah, I'm mad. Or at least deeply disappointed. And maybe I'm taking out my anger by leaving [Old Church]. This seems really unproductive to me since I'm being angry at God but just going to a different church. Or maybe I'm secretly hoping that I'll meet someone by changing churches since clearly the church I've been attending hasn't met this need. (I am hoping this, this might have been a subconscious motivation at some point, but it's not anymore. But I think it's not the main motivation because I don't think that this particular church would be where I would end up, given the demographics).
So what's attendance like? I am trying very hard to attend under the radar. I arrive just in time to sit down. I leave immediately and with a minimum of hand shaking if possible. I don't speak to anyone if I can help it. I don't fill out the welcome guest cards or sign the guest book. (But in a smallish church, showing up every Sunday pretty much puts you on the radar screen*). And it's nice. I'm not distracted by the local church politics. I don't yet care what mission they are supporting. I don't need to try to remember Mrs. Jones' daughter's name or who was sick last week. And at the same time it's weird. Because I've always been INVOLVED in churches I attended. I've been the lay leader. I've led children's ministries. I've served in a deacon-like role. It's odd to show up and leave. And since writing a check or chatting would blow my cover, well, I'm consciously not donating to the ACS Team or buying baked goods from the youth or greeting people who are biking across the state to raise money or attending the reception to meet the bishop. It's very odd to be participating in corporate worship with one community and participating in Christian community without the worship somewhere else. And at some point I think I'll have to pick. And once I pick, I'm sure I'll find lots of problems in the current church. I already am aware of some of the denominational conflicts that I could end up facing. And I'm sure I'll care what the budget is and where the mission dollars go and how they are building the youth group and what precisely is the theology on being saved and on and on and on.
Sometimes I attend and I don't really feel Grace until communion. And at least once I came and went with nothing really shifting inside me. Sometimes the music is so bad it's distracting. Sometimes the sermon challenges me and sometimes I'm left thinking yeah that's a bit too out there. The sermon is preached and the service is officiated by some rotation amoung people that is non-transparent. (6+ people seem to have permission to preach and 3+ people permission to officiate the eucharist.... I don't like the style of all of them, but since they rotate in and out alot, well... I don't have to listen to any one of them too often). And I don't always fully attend to the prayers. I actually drift in and out of attention to the service and to do lists and mental diatribes and comparisons with [Old Church]. That said, anytime I refocus on the service I find myself pointed back toward God. So I figure that any inability to worship lies with me and not with the service. Communion involves going forward and kneeling to receive the Eucharist and that physical motion is really helpful for put me in the right place and getting me undistracted at least momentarily. Depending on the week, I am either entirely at peace or deeply conflicted about being there. No matter what I leave feeling SOMETHING. And I guess I think that's good. But I wouldn't want to have to explain my feelings to someone else yet.
*And about 2 months in to attending, I'd say the clergy definitely know that I exist and that they don't know who I am and are in some various state of trying - not very hard- to make me feel welcome enough to disclose who I am. Some member of the clergy says hello to me at the passing of the peace every week and since I routinely sit in an outside pew in the back they have to work hard at that. At the end of worship, they also don't just shake my hand anymore, they say something that if I felt like having an opening would be one. And disconcertingly the rector popped in for the Eucharist today - someone else was officiating - and sat next to me. It was a logical open seat, but there were lots of other logical open seats. At the end of worship, he let me slip out in my own way without initiating conversation so perhaps it was really just the logical open seat... Or perhaps I was vibrating with tension and conflict and he was sensitive enough to that not to push. In terms of feeling something, I had to concentrate hard to stay focused on worship and not think what will I say if he asks me why I'm attending etc. Which is crazy because that would not be the first thing anyone would say to a new attendee.
The thing is I don't really want to explain that I'm changing churches or just visiting or been in the community a while because I'm not ready to explain that.
And so, I am very conflicted about what I'm doing. I haven't told my small group. I'm kind of waiting for one of them to say "Hey, I haven't seen you in church much lately". I don't think they'll be happy with my current decision. But I think that conversation is coming soon - in the next 2-3 weeks. I don't think they'll say well, you can't be a part of the small group, but I do see some of the ties breaking a bit because of something like this.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Church (2)
So around the time that I was maxing out on frustration, a member of my small group went to a worship conference. Now the upshot of this conference, in many ways, is a service that is LESS like what I want. But a piece of what he brought back and talked about was the idea that worship should point you toward God. Every part of worship should point you toward God. I buy that. But I wasn't experiencing it.
We also were reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship. And somehow in there we talked about grace and sacraments and I expressed, for the hundredth time or so, how much I would like to be taking communion every Sunday. How it would be nice to have that sign of Grace every week. Or even twice a week if you wanted it. (Or maybe every day?).
And I woke up one Sunday during Lent (that was NOT the first Sunday of the month) and though "I would really like to take communion today". And then I thought "You can take communion today if you want. Just not at [Church Name]." So I spent a bit of time looking things up online and knowing that most Catholic, Lutheran, and Episcopal churches do communion every week (and knowing that a Catholic service would manage to frustrate me in other ways) and found a service that fit with my time line that morning.
So I went to the Episcopal church down the street. And it was a refreshing and emotional and grace filled service. The music was abysmal. There isn't anyone else in the congregation within 15 years of my age as far as I can tell. You have to figure out when to stand and sit and what words like collect mean. And pay attention to things like crossing yourself and making little crosses on your head and lips and heart. And there are a few memorized responses not written in the BCP. But the preaching was solid. And there was lots of time for self-reflection and prayer. And when I took communion I felt the presence of God. And when I left I wasn't angry.
And the next Sunday when I got up and thought should I go to [Old Church Name] or the Episcopal Church, I found myself driving to the Episcopal church. And the next and the next. And I actually went for Good Friday and Easter Sunday there. In fact, I've only been back to the [Old Church] once, on the first Sunday of last month. And even with communion as part of the service, I left feeling frustrated and empty. So even though today was the first Sunday, I didn't go back.
We also were reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship. And somehow in there we talked about grace and sacraments and I expressed, for the hundredth time or so, how much I would like to be taking communion every Sunday. How it would be nice to have that sign of Grace every week. Or even twice a week if you wanted it. (Or maybe every day?).
And I woke up one Sunday during Lent (that was NOT the first Sunday of the month) and though "I would really like to take communion today". And then I thought "You can take communion today if you want. Just not at [Church Name]." So I spent a bit of time looking things up online and knowing that most Catholic, Lutheran, and Episcopal churches do communion every week (and knowing that a Catholic service would manage to frustrate me in other ways) and found a service that fit with my time line that morning.
So I went to the Episcopal church down the street. And it was a refreshing and emotional and grace filled service. The music was abysmal. There isn't anyone else in the congregation within 15 years of my age as far as I can tell. You have to figure out when to stand and sit and what words like collect mean. And pay attention to things like crossing yourself and making little crosses on your head and lips and heart. And there are a few memorized responses not written in the BCP. But the preaching was solid. And there was lots of time for self-reflection and prayer. And when I took communion I felt the presence of God. And when I left I wasn't angry.
And the next Sunday when I got up and thought should I go to [Old Church Name] or the Episcopal Church, I found myself driving to the Episcopal church. And the next and the next. And I actually went for Good Friday and Easter Sunday there. In fact, I've only been back to the [Old Church] once, on the first Sunday of last month. And even with communion as part of the service, I left feeling frustrated and empty. So even though today was the first Sunday, I didn't go back.
Chuch (1)
So I password protected the blog because I thought I had compromised my pseudonymity... And I still might have, but I hope that it's been long enough that any lurkers have bugged off.
What Now asked for a follow up to trying a new church...
Maybe the place to start is why I was looking for a new church in the first place. When I first moved here I was very Alone for the first month or so that I was here because I moved over Christmas Break and while I spent Christmas with my family, I was here from the 26th - the start of classes almost a month later without really knowing anyone or having any particular duties. It was very isolating. As I was trying churches out I was invited to join a small group for young adults and in the midst of this intense social isolation it was a wonderful place to be. And since I had resolved to develop friendships outside of work, it seemed like a good fit. The small group is my primary social circle and it does a good job of presenting both spiritual and intellectual challenges. Accountability and regular interaction really support my faith journey. I've grown in ways I would never have imagined in the last 3 years. The trouble that I've had since then, is, while the group is a good fit, the church that it is a larger part of is not. I've been on the verge of joining the church and then backed off repeatedly exactly because of that tension.
The church is Presbyterian (PCUSA) and well known in the community for its youth programing and its music ministry. These are true strengths of the church and a way that it really does connect with many in the community. I am a very head oriented participant in church. Liturgy and theology are important to me. I like the ritual of the prayers and creeds. So while the worship service does glorify God, it is perhaps a bit contemporary and removed from ritual for my tastes. I do think that the service meets the needs of the majority of the congregation and it is a far cry from the Praise God and Love Everyone services seen in some churches. In fact, the service so clearly meets the need of the congregation that we are rapidly outgrowing our worship space (1200+ active members) and need to plan for an alternative approach to handling worship on sunday mornings and parking at other times.
In many ways though I don't see distinctively Reformed notions in the sermons. The senior pastor is heavily influenced by Celtic theology (is that a real thing?) and is very focused on the goodness within each of us. As such his sermons leave me unchallenged and I tend to walk out generally feeling good but not really examining and reflecting on my relationship with God. The associate pastor is more conservative (perhaps too far the other direction) but only preaches once a month. Adult christian ed is weak (supposedly because adult christian ed happens in small groups rather than on sunday morning). So many of the things that I connect to in church on Sunday morning aren't there.
I kind of think I could live with many of these things given the support of the small group, but there are also inconsistencies which frustrate me tremendously. In general, the church would rather pay a staff member than use volunteers. But we have trouble with sufficient donations to support the staff. The church defines itself as mission-centered. And yet mission primarily happens outside of town (e.g. rebuilding for Katrina) and when the church could not actually meet its budget this past year, the thing that was cut was the mission budget. The promises that are made when people are baptized or join the church emphasize the relationship to the church not the Church. And while adult christian ed is supposedly happening in small groups, there aren't groups that are open for new members to join.
So earlier this year I hit a point where I was going into worship and getting mad at some point and then not really hearing the rest of worship. Maybe they took out the prayer of confession (during Lent!) so that the choir could sing an extra anthem. Maybe they moved the passing of the peace earlier in the service, making it seem more like a weird way to say hello than an actual portion of the liturgy. Maybe the pastor preached an especially we-should-all-feel-good sermon. Maybe we were asked to donate for a special donation to support something church internal while the prayers and sermons were calling for us to reach beyond the church. Anyway, on balance I was leaving feeling less connected to God than when I entered.
What Now asked for a follow up to trying a new church...
Maybe the place to start is why I was looking for a new church in the first place. When I first moved here I was very Alone for the first month or so that I was here because I moved over Christmas Break and while I spent Christmas with my family, I was here from the 26th - the start of classes almost a month later without really knowing anyone or having any particular duties. It was very isolating. As I was trying churches out I was invited to join a small group for young adults and in the midst of this intense social isolation it was a wonderful place to be. And since I had resolved to develop friendships outside of work, it seemed like a good fit. The small group is my primary social circle and it does a good job of presenting both spiritual and intellectual challenges. Accountability and regular interaction really support my faith journey. I've grown in ways I would never have imagined in the last 3 years. The trouble that I've had since then, is, while the group is a good fit, the church that it is a larger part of is not. I've been on the verge of joining the church and then backed off repeatedly exactly because of that tension.
The church is Presbyterian (PCUSA) and well known in the community for its youth programing and its music ministry. These are true strengths of the church and a way that it really does connect with many in the community. I am a very head oriented participant in church. Liturgy and theology are important to me. I like the ritual of the prayers and creeds. So while the worship service does glorify God, it is perhaps a bit contemporary and removed from ritual for my tastes. I do think that the service meets the needs of the majority of the congregation and it is a far cry from the Praise God and Love Everyone services seen in some churches. In fact, the service so clearly meets the need of the congregation that we are rapidly outgrowing our worship space (1200+ active members) and need to plan for an alternative approach to handling worship on sunday mornings and parking at other times.
In many ways though I don't see distinctively Reformed notions in the sermons. The senior pastor is heavily influenced by Celtic theology (is that a real thing?) and is very focused on the goodness within each of us. As such his sermons leave me unchallenged and I tend to walk out generally feeling good but not really examining and reflecting on my relationship with God. The associate pastor is more conservative (perhaps too far the other direction) but only preaches once a month. Adult christian ed is weak (supposedly because adult christian ed happens in small groups rather than on sunday morning). So many of the things that I connect to in church on Sunday morning aren't there.
I kind of think I could live with many of these things given the support of the small group, but there are also inconsistencies which frustrate me tremendously. In general, the church would rather pay a staff member than use volunteers. But we have trouble with sufficient donations to support the staff. The church defines itself as mission-centered. And yet mission primarily happens outside of town (e.g. rebuilding for Katrina) and when the church could not actually meet its budget this past year, the thing that was cut was the mission budget. The promises that are made when people are baptized or join the church emphasize the relationship to the church not the Church. And while adult christian ed is supposedly happening in small groups, there aren't groups that are open for new members to join.
So earlier this year I hit a point where I was going into worship and getting mad at some point and then not really hearing the rest of worship. Maybe they took out the prayer of confession (during Lent!) so that the choir could sing an extra anthem. Maybe they moved the passing of the peace earlier in the service, making it seem more like a weird way to say hello than an actual portion of the liturgy. Maybe the pastor preached an especially we-should-all-feel-good sermon. Maybe we were asked to donate for a special donation to support something church internal while the prayers and sermons were calling for us to reach beyond the church. Anyway, on balance I was leaving feeling less connected to God than when I entered.
Sunday, April 06, 2008
A month of my Life
So it's been almost a month since I posted. In that time I have:
But 5 and 9 and 11 (and possibly 12) are totally blogable and I'll try to get there soon.
- Finished up lent/easter
- Packed, Moved House, Unpacked, Cleaned old house
- Arranged for cable and electric people to come set things up.
- Arranged for cable and electric people to come back and set things up right
- Attended a conference (4 days) about being a professor
- Turned in two article reviews
- Turned in two conference submissions
- Analyzed my Honor's Student's data
- Had my 3 year review
- Coordinated the visit of a major on campus visitor (3 days)
- Toyed with changing churches - attended a new church
- Gotten my grant reviews back
- Given and (am currently grading) a major project for each of my classes
- Provided massive assistance and corrected WRONG THINGS my TAs have told students about the major project for my very large undergrad class
- Started registration advising for fall.
- Participated in a hiring target of opportunity interview process
But 5 and 9 and 11 (and possibly 12) are totally blogable and I'll try to get there soon.
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Things I'm looking forward to about a new house
This whole house buying thing brings up all sorts of mixed feelings in me. I always thought this would be the sort of thing I'd be doing with someone. So throughout the whole process, it feels like my singleness is being cast in my face. I know that seems crazy - it's a business transaction - but that's it. So I'm trying to combat these down feelings by thinking and talking about all the things I'll like about living in this particular house. The house I'm currently living in is not a good space. It's too far from most of my friends to drop in in a neighborly fashion and its too small to entertain. It's in a part of town where I can't really walk to work because of traffic patterns and it's close enough that I feel lame driving in.
Anyway... the new house will certainly be a better space. And here's my list of things I'm looking forward to:
1) a yard for my dog - although the fence needs fixing
2) on two bus routes and in an area where I can walk or bus or bike to work
3) because I'll have a yard, I can walk home and then not feel guilty for NOT walking my dog
4) a garbage disposal
5) a dishwasher
6) a reasonable sized kitchen/dining room
7) a space that will allow me to have people over for dinner or backyard barbecues
8) in a neighborhood where I know lots of people
9) a permanentish space which means I'll be looking for art work and furniture instead of saving all my money all the time to buy a permanent-ish space.
Things I think I'll like in the end but will require work that I won't like in the meantime
1) a room that once repainted will make a wonderful guest room/office
2) a room that once I have appropriate furniture will make a good reading room/office
3) a yard that will be fun to enjoy, but I need to hire someone to do yard work and buy lawn furniture.
4) potentially nice shrubbery/garden space if I can set up something low maintainence
Anyway... the new house will certainly be a better space. And here's my list of things I'm looking forward to:
1) a yard for my dog - although the fence needs fixing
2) on two bus routes and in an area where I can walk or bus or bike to work
3) because I'll have a yard, I can walk home and then not feel guilty for NOT walking my dog
4) a garbage disposal
5) a dishwasher
6) a reasonable sized kitchen/dining room
7) a space that will allow me to have people over for dinner or backyard barbecues
8) in a neighborhood where I know lots of people
9) a permanentish space which means I'll be looking for art work and furniture instead of saving all my money all the time to buy a permanent-ish space.
Things I think I'll like in the end but will require work that I won't like in the meantime
1) a room that once repainted will make a wonderful guest room/office
2) a room that once I have appropriate furniture will make a good reading room/office
3) a yard that will be fun to enjoy, but I need to hire someone to do yard work and buy lawn furniture.
4) potentially nice shrubbery/garden space if I can set up something low maintainence
Friday, March 07, 2008
Plagarism & Stern Lectures
So first, my stern lecture about email etiquette has had a bonus effect - two more students have apologized (yes I had a rash of really rude emails), one unnecessarily, all students emailing about their test grades have done so from university accounts and included their full names, and all of the emails of started with a greeting. I didn't provide all that info in my lecture. They figured it out on their own. I took a leaf from here, and framed it as being pre-professionals and acting in a professional matter. It worked. They do KNOW how to behave even if they don't always DO it. Competence vs Performance in action.
I also had my first true honest to goodness plagiarism case that I could prove today. (I have had two other cases of cheating along the lines of having someone write the paper for them that I couldn't prove). I tried to put the fear of God into her. We talked about long term consequences to short term poor choices. Academic probation. Never do it again. I have no idea if I had any effect or not. No tears. No yelling. Not sure. I still have to write a letter for her file because even though we aren't going to pursue it up to the level of the college, I want to document it. Not looking forward to that tomorrow!
I also had my first true honest to goodness plagiarism case that I could prove today. (I have had two other cases of cheating along the lines of having someone write the paper for them that I couldn't prove). I tried to put the fear of God into her. We talked about long term consequences to short term poor choices. Academic probation. Never do it again. I have no idea if I had any effect or not. No tears. No yelling. Not sure. I still have to write a letter for her file because even though we aren't going to pursue it up to the level of the college, I want to document it. Not looking forward to that tomorrow!
Thursday, March 06, 2008
RBOC Grading Jail Edition
- So I had two very interesting lunches this week with colleagues that I'll get around to blogging.. hmm over the weekend maybe. I want to process what I think happened at each one.
- My 3rd year review apparently went well. I won't know this for sure until next week either.
- I made an announcement today about professionalism in email because I had two different students flip out in email at me in the last week over VERY MINOR grade issues (along the lines of I don't even know why this was assigned anyway, but the grading was totally unfair and I absolutely can't imagine what you or the TA was thinking etc. etc.), two emails from random addresses with no name, and one that used IM abbreviations so much I couldn't figure out what they meant without googling the abbreviations. So get this, one of the students realized I was refering to her and apologized! Wow!
- I am in grading jail. I gave an exam last wed and promised students to return the exams in labs Thurs & Fri. I have graded 62 of 80 papers. I have to finish by 1:30 tomorrow. I can, but I don't want to.
- I can't tell you some of the funniest things from the exams without revealing field. But students are really funny when they don't know the answer and brain dump onto the page. Oh, I can tell one... We illicited things from subjects in our experiment....
- My grade distribution is currently 9 A, 20 B, 9 C, 14 D, 12 F. I expect most of the next 20 will end up in the B/D range from skimming short answer responses. Clearly the test was way freaking hard. Usually the distribution is more like 20 A, 20 B, 15C, misc D/F. If I curve so that the highest student get a perfect score, the distribution is: 19 A, 13 B, 14 C, 8 D, 5 F. Do I curve? For what it's worth the D students really didn't get it, but clearly many of them were almost C students and many of the B students were almost A students.
- I provide lots of small participation type grades on which students typically get perfect scores (a for effort and all that). Does that change your answer to curving?
Sunday, March 02, 2008
Being Programmatic II
So I described my change in my own research direction following my doctoral program here... And I also got involved in student projects that, while ultimately productive and good for my publication rate (and interesting), also dilute my programmatic focus. So, with the grant I submitted unscored, I'm now in a position to really seriously evaluate whether this is a direction I want to continue in now. If the grant had been scored high or funded I would have continued this path because, well, the grant was funded...
so what are my options now?
1) The simple and obvious one is wait for feedback on the grant. Revise and Resubmit. No serious change in focus. Keep plugging away at the role of tagging in knowledge organization both in libraries and elsewhere since that is where my interest lies and what I think is most interesting (particularly the connections between libraries and elsewhere).
Pros: I want to be doing this work. I've already gotten feedback once and am getting feedback again on it. I have pilot data and stimuli created and ready to go for the proposed projects. I just need the funds to carry things out on the proper scale to find results. I should have a submitted publication on tagging within libraries by the time I resubmit the grant. And hopefully solid pilot data on tagging in other contexts as pilot data with a large N.
Cons: It got a very low score the first time and wasn't talked about this time. So either the reviewers think the work has a fatal flaw, or they don't like the theoretical framing, or they think it is overambitious. Not being scored is a big clue that it's time to rethink.
2) Narrow down and only focus on tagging in libraries. I'll have to think hard about how to improve my stimuli and frame my questions here so that it is effective. And it means giving up a piece of the theoretical stuff. It still allows me to set up for later projects with this grant and it still means continuing down this changed direction stuff. I don't know if it's sufficiently different that it restarts the clock on number of submissions I have available. If I narrow so considerably, but get rejected AND it uses up my last submission I'm not sure what I'll do. I think in many ways this depends on what the reviews say - which part they thought was particularly weak and which were most salvageable.
Pros: I will soon have a publication in this area. I have pilot data for a spin off. There are really an infinite number of spin offs available to me. I think it's a theoretically plausible direction. I can make a stronger case for applied relevance. I think it will require an extremely large number of participants to be interesting though and so I'm a bit worried about it as a topic by itself.
Cons: I miss the whole connection with non-library areas. This is the most difficult part of the grant, but it's a longstanding interest. I did a paper on this as part of my comps in my phd program and then let the topic go on the advice of my dissertation direction. It narrows the possible future directions pretty dramatically. Lower risk and lower impact. I'm not sure if I can do this quickly enough to have publications out in sufficient number within this topic so that I am programmatic enough for tenure.
3) Return to my original dewey decimal studies. I'll look more programmatic with just a year or two off doing something else. There is plenty to be studied systematically here. I can keep doing variations on the theme, and I can see a clear line of research to be done here.
Pros: I have a clear track record here. There is an applied need for a more full understanding of how this system of classification works with different library patrons. And the group of patrons I specialize in are particularly understudied. I could put together a grant that would be competitive fairly easily I think.
Cons: I'd be starting the grant from scratch. I don't think I'd get funded on the first try but possibly. Really I'm resisting this because I don't really think this is a plausible direction for organization in the future. And I don't know how to ground the work with my population of patrons within the new framework to make it look like I'm not switching gears.
so what are my options now?
1) The simple and obvious one is wait for feedback on the grant. Revise and Resubmit. No serious change in focus. Keep plugging away at the role of tagging in knowledge organization both in libraries and elsewhere since that is where my interest lies and what I think is most interesting (particularly the connections between libraries and elsewhere).
Pros: I want to be doing this work. I've already gotten feedback once and am getting feedback again on it. I have pilot data and stimuli created and ready to go for the proposed projects. I just need the funds to carry things out on the proper scale to find results. I should have a submitted publication on tagging within libraries by the time I resubmit the grant. And hopefully solid pilot data on tagging in other contexts as pilot data with a large N.
Cons: It got a very low score the first time and wasn't talked about this time. So either the reviewers think the work has a fatal flaw, or they don't like the theoretical framing, or they think it is overambitious. Not being scored is a big clue that it's time to rethink.
2) Narrow down and only focus on tagging in libraries. I'll have to think hard about how to improve my stimuli and frame my questions here so that it is effective. And it means giving up a piece of the theoretical stuff. It still allows me to set up for later projects with this grant and it still means continuing down this changed direction stuff. I don't know if it's sufficiently different that it restarts the clock on number of submissions I have available. If I narrow so considerably, but get rejected AND it uses up my last submission I'm not sure what I'll do. I think in many ways this depends on what the reviews say - which part they thought was particularly weak and which were most salvageable.
Pros: I will soon have a publication in this area. I have pilot data for a spin off. There are really an infinite number of spin offs available to me. I think it's a theoretically plausible direction. I can make a stronger case for applied relevance. I think it will require an extremely large number of participants to be interesting though and so I'm a bit worried about it as a topic by itself.
Cons: I miss the whole connection with non-library areas. This is the most difficult part of the grant, but it's a longstanding interest. I did a paper on this as part of my comps in my phd program and then let the topic go on the advice of my dissertation direction. It narrows the possible future directions pretty dramatically. Lower risk and lower impact. I'm not sure if I can do this quickly enough to have publications out in sufficient number within this topic so that I am programmatic enough for tenure.
3) Return to my original dewey decimal studies. I'll look more programmatic with just a year or two off doing something else. There is plenty to be studied systematically here. I can keep doing variations on the theme, and I can see a clear line of research to be done here.
Pros: I have a clear track record here. There is an applied need for a more full understanding of how this system of classification works with different library patrons. And the group of patrons I specialize in are particularly understudied. I could put together a grant that would be competitive fairly easily I think.
Cons: I'd be starting the grant from scratch. I don't think I'd get funded on the first try but possibly. Really I'm resisting this because I don't really think this is a plausible direction for organization in the future. And I don't know how to ground the work with my population of patrons within the new framework to make it look like I'm not switching gears.
February Resolutions
So I think as can be seen below I wasn't very good with keeping resolutions this month. I did okay with being in touch with far flung friends and family and with teaching, but I slacked on food and exercise and research. I'm actually going to give myself permission to slack on all fronts in March since I move smack dab in the middle of everything. I think getting packed and keeping teaching going in the process will be sufficient things to to do.
Really, I'm using both my resolutions and moving to procrastinate on the other one so I think it's better to focus. Oh I can't deal with packing because I have to work on this data project. Oh I can't deal with this data project because I should be packing. And on and on and on. So since the move is looming and urgent. And since I clearly can't motivate myself to do it all I'm just going to deal with that one for a month.
Work
Teaching
Assignments Card Catalog class
Rework lectures for Epistomology
Research
Collaborative Project
Stats
Analysis #3
Archival Data Project
Assign data analysis to new ugrad
Pilot Data Project
Schedule all subjects - Feb 20
Stats - Feb 28
Data Interpretation - Mar 15
Conf submission - Mar 31
Writing
Theory Article
- Intro
- Review of Theory
- Applied Perspective Patron1- Feb 29
- Applied Perspective Patron2
- Conclusion
Personal
Id exercise location
Daily prayer
Menus & Groceries wk 1
Menus & Groceries wk 2
Menus & Groceries wk 3
Menus & Groceries wk 4
Dishes wk 1
Dishes wk 2
Dishes wk 3
Dishes wk 4
Relationships
letters to 4 2 people
2 1 lunches
Phone call wk 1
Phone call wk 2
Phone call wk 3
Phone call wk 4
Really, I'm using both my resolutions and moving to procrastinate on the other one so I think it's better to focus. Oh I can't deal with packing because I have to work on this data project. Oh I can't deal with this data project because I should be packing. And on and on and on. So since the move is looming and urgent. And since I clearly can't motivate myself to do it all I'm just going to deal with that one for a month.
Work
Teaching
Assignments Card Catalog class
Research
Collaborative Project
Analysis #3
Archival Data Project
Assign data analysis to new ugrad
Pilot Data Project
Schedule all subjects - Feb 20
Stats - Feb 28
Data Interpretation - Mar 15
Conf submission - Mar 31
Writing
Theory Article
- Intro
- Applied Perspective Patron1- Feb 29
- Applied Perspective Patron2
- Conclusion
Personal
Daily prayer
Menus & Groceries wk 3
Menus & Groceries wk 4
Dishes wk 2
Dishes wk 3
Dishes wk 4
Relationships
letters to
Phone call wk 4
Being Programmatic
So I got some pretty bad news about my grant submission last week. The grant was unscored. That means the reviewers deem it to be in the bottom 50% of the grants that they read. It doesn't get talked about. I just get critiques from the reviewers. But since the reviewers view the grant as unfundable, the critiques may be very short and not fully developed and thus hard to respond to. I get one more shot with this idea for this funding agency. So I have to think carefully about going back in with this submission in order to maximize my chances.
As I talk and think about this I think some history is relevant. I did my dissertation with Big Name Gracious Scholar. It was a fantastic experience. He studies the details of the Dewey Decimal system and dabbles in other approaches to card cataloging. But it's safe to say that most of his research is grounded in traditional approaches to card cataloging. My dissertation focused on similar issues but at a slightly more global level - say organization within the whole library rather than organization within a subject area.
Then I took this job. I industriously published my dissertation data and 1 reanalysis of that data. I started a followup study which took about 18 mos in data collection and the analysis/write up is just finishing up. It has the potential for 2 more re-analyses of the extant data (1-2 publications depending...). In the first semester I did a round of readings with 3 students on nontraditional approaches to cataloging. I'm not talking about selecting just a different flavor of organization, but radically different approaches to the whole problem of knowledge organization and retreival. Say instead of an externally imposed organizational system like the Dewey Decimal system, instead a self-organizing system like tagging and ranking of items by users. Presumably over time and with a large number of users you still end up with subject based groups of books and other items. Ultimately you still have a well organized library, but how you come up with the groupings is radically different. And I learned alot.
Out of that, I started three tangential student projects - one on font styles and readability and one contrasting the Dewey Decimal system (external organization) with user tagging as an organizational method(self-organization) and one examining how people come to learn whatever system is in place grounded in the self-organization approach. The compare and contrast project turned into a dissertation I'm co-advising that is moving very slowly (and not likely to be published before I come up for tenure). The font styles one is under review now and the training study is in the final stages of data collection.
In addition I was exposed extensively in a variety of contexts to self-organizing approaches to solving a related problem - say font selection in publishing or coming up with meaningful book titles. And I started thinking about nontraditional approaches to card cataloging. Most of this exposure wasn't directly through things that apply to card cataloguing though. But some people say that the problem of meaningful book names really isn't that different than the problem of organizing books into meaningful retrievable units. And if that's true than my intellectual community isn't as isolated as it feels right now.
But here's the problem. Technically I'm the card catalog person on faculty. And I currently have 2 publications and 1 under review on the dewey decimal system. But I also have 1 publication on the interface between fonts and the classification in the dewey decimal system. And 1 publication on fonts under review. And potentially 1 publication soon on learning to use tags for both book titles and books. And eventually 1-2 publications contrasting these two approaches. And a grant in, that has just be soundly rejected, looking at tagging both in card cataloging and in other knowledge systems not found in libraries - say in the phone system or something very unrelated.
I'm a bit afraid that I look unprogrammatic right now. I think I can right that by tenure time, but I think I'll have to pick an area and get focused soon....
And this has turned into a terribly long post, so I'll write more about what I think my options might be tomorrow.
As I talk and think about this I think some history is relevant. I did my dissertation with Big Name Gracious Scholar. It was a fantastic experience. He studies the details of the Dewey Decimal system and dabbles in other approaches to card cataloging. But it's safe to say that most of his research is grounded in traditional approaches to card cataloging. My dissertation focused on similar issues but at a slightly more global level - say organization within the whole library rather than organization within a subject area.
Then I took this job. I industriously published my dissertation data and 1 reanalysis of that data. I started a followup study which took about 18 mos in data collection and the analysis/write up is just finishing up. It has the potential for 2 more re-analyses of the extant data (1-2 publications depending...). In the first semester I did a round of readings with 3 students on nontraditional approaches to cataloging. I'm not talking about selecting just a different flavor of organization, but radically different approaches to the whole problem of knowledge organization and retreival. Say instead of an externally imposed organizational system like the Dewey Decimal system, instead a self-organizing system like tagging and ranking of items by users. Presumably over time and with a large number of users you still end up with subject based groups of books and other items. Ultimately you still have a well organized library, but how you come up with the groupings is radically different. And I learned alot.
Out of that, I started three tangential student projects - one on font styles and readability and one contrasting the Dewey Decimal system (external organization) with user tagging as an organizational method(self-organization) and one examining how people come to learn whatever system is in place grounded in the self-organization approach. The compare and contrast project turned into a dissertation I'm co-advising that is moving very slowly (and not likely to be published before I come up for tenure). The font styles one is under review now and the training study is in the final stages of data collection.
In addition I was exposed extensively in a variety of contexts to self-organizing approaches to solving a related problem - say font selection in publishing or coming up with meaningful book titles. And I started thinking about nontraditional approaches to card cataloging. Most of this exposure wasn't directly through things that apply to card cataloguing though. But some people say that the problem of meaningful book names really isn't that different than the problem of organizing books into meaningful retrievable units. And if that's true than my intellectual community isn't as isolated as it feels right now.
But here's the problem. Technically I'm the card catalog person on faculty. And I currently have 2 publications and 1 under review on the dewey decimal system. But I also have 1 publication on the interface between fonts and the classification in the dewey decimal system. And 1 publication on fonts under review. And potentially 1 publication soon on learning to use tags for both book titles and books. And eventually 1-2 publications contrasting these two approaches. And a grant in, that has just be soundly rejected, looking at tagging both in card cataloging and in other knowledge systems not found in libraries - say in the phone system or something very unrelated.
I'm a bit afraid that I look unprogrammatic right now. I think I can right that by tenure time, but I think I'll have to pick an area and get focused soon....
And this has turned into a terribly long post, so I'll write more about what I think my options might be tomorrow.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Bad.
The grant is a revision. Of the original review panel exactly 1 person remains on the roster. And he has to recuse himself due to conflict. Good? or Bad?
Leap Year
As seen on Rev Dr. Mom's. I spent this leap day listening to two very important people give talks and trying to be pleasant and sociable in face of discovering that my grant was unscored. I'm not good with precise memories in that way, but if I look back 4 years....
~February 29, 2004--year before I graduated with my PhD. Probably I was working on my prospectus and teaching. I was living in the midwest so it would have been cold and wet. Spring around the corner
~February 29, 2000--I would have been just finishing up my masters. Living in a major metropolitian city. Doing an applied librarianship post and driving all over town. It was the first time in my masters training when I thought I could perhaps stomach doing this job longer than it took to finish my training. A key professor took me out to breakfast later that year and talked me into a research career instead of a practical careeer though.
~February 29, 1996--In the second year of high school boarding school. On the rocks with my BF at the time. Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - everyone else seemed to know. It was a tough year.
~February 29, 1992-- 8th grade. Spent in Texas. My family moved a lot.
~February 29, 1988--4th grade, Spent in Louisiana. Which even though it may have really crummy regular public schools actually has fantastic special ed. I had a very good educational experience there.
~February 29, 1984--kindergarten. Kansas. Mrs. Eplee was my teacher. I walked to school. Snow angels. I had slick boots and the alley used to ice over and we'd "skate" down. It was lots of fun.
~February 29, 2004--year before I graduated with my PhD. Probably I was working on my prospectus and teaching. I was living in the midwest so it would have been cold and wet. Spring around the corner
~February 29, 2000--I would have been just finishing up my masters. Living in a major metropolitian city. Doing an applied librarianship post and driving all over town. It was the first time in my masters training when I thought I could perhaps stomach doing this job longer than it took to finish my training. A key professor took me out to breakfast later that year and talked me into a research career instead of a practical careeer though.
~February 29, 1996--In the second year of high school boarding school. On the rocks with my BF at the time. Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - everyone else seemed to know. It was a tough year.
~February 29, 1992-- 8th grade. Spent in Texas. My family moved a lot.
~February 29, 1988--4th grade, Spent in Louisiana. Which even though it may have really crummy regular public schools actually has fantastic special ed. I had a very good educational experience there.
~February 29, 1984--kindergarten. Kansas. Mrs. Eplee was my teacher. I walked to school. Snow angels. I had slick boots and the alley used to ice over and we'd "skate" down. It was lots of fun.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Freaking Out
So I was under the impression that my major grant was not going to be reviewed until mid-end March. I was just clicking around on Major National Funding Agency's website and discovered that it is actually going to be reviewed tomorrow. At 1pm ET.
The grant is a revision. Of the original review panel exactly 1 person remains on the roster. And he has to recuse himself due to conflict. Good? or Bad?
And my 3rd year review is next week. Do I call the grant officer and see if I can get my scores early? So that they are in for my review? Or is that not done? (It would be a real coup if I have a fundable score on a grant this size by year 3. But it would certainly cast a pall on things if it gets ANOTHER low score). Do I ask, but only tell if it's positive?
I'm very good at faking coolness about these sorts of abstract decisions that are out of my hands. I'm even good at actually feeling cool about it when it is 3-6 months away and I don't know who is on the review panel. So not cool now. Feeling total stomach butterflies.
The grant is a revision. Of the original review panel exactly 1 person remains on the roster. And he has to recuse himself due to conflict. Good? or Bad?
And my 3rd year review is next week. Do I call the grant officer and see if I can get my scores early? So that they are in for my review? Or is that not done? (It would be a real coup if I have a fundable score on a grant this size by year 3. But it would certainly cast a pall on things if it gets ANOTHER low score). Do I ask, but only tell if it's positive?
I'm very good at faking coolness about these sorts of abstract decisions that are out of my hands. I'm even good at actually feeling cool about it when it is 3-6 months away and I don't know who is on the review panel. So not cool now. Feeling total stomach butterflies.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Grumpiness
I am totally in a grumpy mood today. Here's why:
- It snowed. Again.
- My TAs apparently can't run a review session. Evidence - 2 different students emailed to complain about the quality. One was awful close to a flame. I've had lots of questions emailed about a topic which was simple and basic that apparently got explained in a weird way. They didn't know definitions of basic terms. They knew they were unprepared in advance and didn't tell me.
- On an unrelated topic I have a grading issue to solve because of their lack of communication with a student. On the one hand I should back them up. On the other hand they didn't really communicate well with the student.
- My paper, which has been submitted to our flagship journal for two months, has to have the review coordinated by someone other than the editor in my area because of a conflict of interest. This person has not yet assigned it to an associated editor or reviewers because "she couldn't think of who to assign it to since it isn't her area"....
- My photo class was changed from a day about composition to attending a photo lecture the instructor wanted to attend
- I had to ask three times to get back a cord the instructor borrowed from me.
- I'm stressed about packing etc and can't seem to carve out time or get motivated to start the project.
- I have no food in the house because I'm moving. But I still have to eat for 3 weeks.
Monday, February 25, 2008
How much do we give up?
The conversation about how difficult it can be to be in academia is making the rounds.
What Now talks about the identity she has as a tenured professor and how she isn't ready to give that up. From there I ended up at Squadratomagico and Highly Magnified, Thoroughly Educated (who actually began the conversation) talking about how being a professor actually can cause you to lose various identities because the work becomes all consuming. So I started thinking about what have I given up to be where I am.
I'm a single woman. Have I given up romantic relationships to be here? Perhaps... But I am not sure they were healthy relationships to start with. Certainly, my desire to date someone who shares my faith and my own quirks interfere at least as much as my job does.
I live far (1500+miles) from my family and see them only a few times a year. Have I given up ties to my family to be here? Yes, I think so - I would certainly visit my new nephew more often if I could drive rather than fly. But maybe not because I can fly fairly inexpensively. And in some ways my career allows me more flexibility to be with family - I was there when my grand mother died and when my aunt was in a coma precisely BECAUSE I work an academic job and could take significant time off as long as it didn't interfere with teaching duties.
What about hobbies? outside interests? I think that I have those. If I worked in a less demanding job I might have more. But I also would probably like my job less.
And then I found this post by propter doc that echoes my own sense more closely I think.
Ranier Marie Rilke writes:
*Maybe the thing I fear the most is becoming hungry for the status academia confers. But that's another post.
What Now talks about the identity she has as a tenured professor and how she isn't ready to give that up. From there I ended up at Squadratomagico and Highly Magnified, Thoroughly Educated (who actually began the conversation) talking about how being a professor actually can cause you to lose various identities because the work becomes all consuming. So I started thinking about what have I given up to be where I am.
I'm a single woman. Have I given up romantic relationships to be here? Perhaps... But I am not sure they were healthy relationships to start with. Certainly, my desire to date someone who shares my faith and my own quirks interfere at least as much as my job does.
I live far (1500+miles) from my family and see them only a few times a year. Have I given up ties to my family to be here? Yes, I think so - I would certainly visit my new nephew more often if I could drive rather than fly. But maybe not because I can fly fairly inexpensively. And in some ways my career allows me more flexibility to be with family - I was there when my grand mother died and when my aunt was in a coma precisely BECAUSE I work an academic job and could take significant time off as long as it didn't interfere with teaching duties.
What about hobbies? outside interests? I think that I have those. If I worked in a less demanding job I might have more. But I also would probably like my job less.
And then I found this post by propter doc that echoes my own sense more closely I think.
Ranier Marie Rilke writes:
I know your profession is hard and full of contradiction of yourself....I can only ask you to consider whether all professions are not like that, full of demands, full of enmity against the individual, saturated as it were with the hatred of those who have found themselves mute and sullen in a humdrum duty. The situation in which you now have to live is no more heavily laden with conventions, prejudices,and mistakes than all the other situations, and if there are some that feign a greater freedom, still there is none that is itself broad and spacious and in contact with the big things of which real living consists. Only the individual who is solitary is like a thing placed under profound laws and when he goes out into the morning that is just beginning or looks out into the evenings that is full of happening and if feels what is going on there then all status* drops from him as from a dead man though he stands in the midst of sheer life.I don't see that the trade-offs I'm making are unbearable. And I'm not sure that they would be any different if I worked at any other job that I loved (because any job that I loved would challenge me and that challenge would play out in ways that mean less free time and more job focus). Being a medical doctor or a pastor or a translator or a foreign aid worker are all jobs I would consider seriously or have considered in the past. They all make specific demands and place requirements of one sort another on a person that can be inconvenient. In the meantime, I know these inconveniences. Distance. Mentally consuming. Status driven*. And I think I like the devil I know better than the devil I don't know.
*Maybe the thing I fear the most is becoming hungry for the status academia confers. But that's another post.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Wit & What's left
I just finished a day long seminar on suicide and bereavement counseling through my church. I found the day in the class emotionally taxing. The discussion of adolescent depression and suicide risks and what it is like to be a family member coping with such a situation was very moving. The grief books were presented much more distantly. I know many of the people in class well enough to know that they are dealing more directly with the issues of death and grief than one might hope for in a class of this nature. As we talked very distantly and impersonally about the stages and processes of grief I couldn't help but wonder whether hearing the material was difficult. Whether they were checking in on themselves and where they were with their own grief. You could watch some of the emotions play on people's faces and know that this was a moment of great difficulty and also great comfort. I wonder how the class would have gone differently if we had talked about how the books made us feel instead of talking about the book.
And I came home and what did I find in my mailbox from netflix, but a movie called Wit. Wit is about a single, childless professor diagnosed with ovarian cancer and treated in a teaching hospital. It follows her from initial diagnosis to death and is very moving. On another day I might have cryed my way through it. But the parts that were most difficult to watch were the ones where someone is doing a simple kindness in the cold medical setting. When the nurse puts lotion on the professor's hands. When a former professor comes to visit. If you work in any clinical setting and haven't seen this, you should. A reminder of the humanity of us all. A reminder that we each face our own mortality at some point. I hope I can have the grace that this character has when my time comes. I wonder how her treatment would have gone if people had talked to her and about her as a person rather than about her cancer and to each other.
And I came home and what did I find in my mailbox from netflix, but a movie called Wit. Wit is about a single, childless professor diagnosed with ovarian cancer and treated in a teaching hospital. It follows her from initial diagnosis to death and is very moving. On another day I might have cryed my way through it. But the parts that were most difficult to watch were the ones where someone is doing a simple kindness in the cold medical setting. When the nurse puts lotion on the professor's hands. When a former professor comes to visit. If you work in any clinical setting and haven't seen this, you should. A reminder of the humanity of us all. A reminder that we each face our own mortality at some point. I hope I can have the grace that this character has when my time comes. I wonder how her treatment would have gone if people had talked to her and about her as a person rather than about her cancer and to each other.
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