So I think what What Now really wanted to know isn't so much about how I got to attending this new church, but what it's like attending a new church. Interestingly, I haven't yet decided to change churches. Mentally I'm thinking of this as a temporary hiatus while I sort things out.
Partly it's a temporary hiatus because I'm not sure that an Episcopal church would be what I would choose to attend if I were to leave [Old Church]. At the same time that I like the liberal policies in principle (ordination of homosexuals, for instance; the millennium development goals ), I find the Episcopal church a bit too liberal (the sermon two weeks ago, basically said it didn't matter what world religion you subscribe to, it all leads to God, and I'm not there). I also don't really believe in an apostolic church, which is the basis for the church structure I think. As a thinking Christian, I think it would be hard to find a church that I agree with in all things, though, so maybe this is as good as it gets.
Partly because I still would really like to like my old church. I like the small group I'm in. I like the community in general. I just really disagree with them about lots of things. The senior pastor is about 5 years away from retirement, so maybe I could end up back there then. On the other hand I don't think I could attend for 5 years and be okay. But really, the congregation chooses the pastor and the congregation elects the elders (who set the church budget) so maybe what I'm discovering is that I don't really agree with the congregation in many important ways. That's hard to admit.
But it could also be a hiatus because maybe what I'm mad about isn't mission goals or worship style. Maybe what I'm mad about is God's plan for my life. I would really like to be married. I think I would be a good partner. I think I'd like to be raising a family. And I don't really understand why God hasn't put that person in front of me. I was talking with a friend who I respect at [Old Church] about this struggle and she asked me at one point how I'd dealt with my anger at God over this. Well, I haven't really.
But I do think she's right that I am mad at God about being single. And I think this is exacerbated by having everyone in my small group married with kids or engaged to be married (this wasn't true 3 years ago). Everyone except me. So yeah, I'm mad. Or at least deeply disappointed. And maybe I'm taking out my anger by leaving [Old Church]. This seems really unproductive to me since I'm being angry at God but just going to a different church. Or maybe I'm secretly hoping that I'll meet someone by changing churches since clearly the church I've been attending hasn't met this need. (I am hoping this, this might have been a subconscious motivation at some point, but it's not anymore. But I think it's not the main motivation because I don't think that this particular church would be where I would end up, given the demographics).
So what's attendance like? I am trying very hard to attend under the radar. I arrive just in time to sit down. I leave immediately and with a minimum of hand shaking if possible. I don't speak to anyone if I can help it. I don't fill out the welcome guest cards or sign the guest book. (But in a smallish church, showing up every Sunday pretty much puts you on the radar screen*). And it's nice. I'm not distracted by the local church politics. I don't yet care what mission they are supporting. I don't need to try to remember Mrs. Jones' daughter's name or who was sick last week. And at the same time it's weird. Because I've always been INVOLVED in churches I attended. I've been the lay leader. I've led children's ministries. I've served in a deacon-like role. It's odd to show up and leave. And since writing a check or chatting would blow my cover, well, I'm consciously not donating to the ACS Team or buying baked goods from the youth or greeting people who are biking across the state to raise money or attending the reception to meet the bishop. It's very odd to be participating in corporate worship with one community and participating in Christian community without the worship somewhere else. And at some point I think I'll have to pick. And once I pick, I'm sure I'll find lots of problems in the current church. I already am aware of some of the denominational conflicts that I could end up facing. And I'm sure I'll care what the budget is and where the mission dollars go and how they are building the youth group and what precisely is the theology on being saved and on and on and on.
Sometimes I attend and I don't really feel Grace until communion. And at least once I came and went with nothing really shifting inside me. Sometimes the music is so bad it's distracting. Sometimes the sermon challenges me and sometimes I'm left thinking yeah that's a bit too out there. The sermon is preached and the service is officiated by some rotation amoung people that is non-transparent. (6+ people seem to have permission to preach and 3+ people permission to officiate the eucharist.... I don't like the style of all of them, but since they rotate in and out alot, well... I don't have to listen to any one of them too often). And I don't always fully attend to the prayers. I actually drift in and out of attention to the service and to do lists and mental diatribes and comparisons with [Old Church]. That said, anytime I refocus on the service I find myself pointed back toward God. So I figure that any inability to worship lies with me and not with the service. Communion involves going forward and kneeling to receive the Eucharist and that physical motion is really helpful for put me in the right place and getting me undistracted at least momentarily. Depending on the week, I am either entirely at peace or deeply conflicted about being there. No matter what I leave feeling SOMETHING. And I guess I think that's good. But I wouldn't want to have to explain my feelings to someone else yet.
*And about 2 months in to attending, I'd say the clergy definitely know that I exist and that they don't know who I am and are in some various state of trying - not very hard- to make me feel welcome enough to disclose who I am. Some member of the clergy says hello to me at the passing of the peace every week and since I routinely sit in an outside pew in the back they have to work hard at that. At the end of worship, they also don't just shake my hand anymore, they say something that if I felt like having an opening would be one. And disconcertingly the rector popped in for the Eucharist today - someone else was officiating - and sat next to me. It was a logical open seat, but there were lots of other logical open seats. At the end of worship, he let me slip out in my own way without initiating conversation so perhaps it was really just the logical open seat... Or perhaps I was vibrating with tension and conflict and he was sensitive enough to that not to push. In terms of feeling something, I had to concentrate hard to stay focused on worship and not think what will I say if he asks me why I'm attending etc. Which is crazy because that would not be the first thing anyone would say to a new attendee.
The thing is I don't really want to explain that I'm changing churches or just visiting or been in the community a while because I'm not ready to explain that.
And so, I am very conflicted about what I'm doing. I haven't told my small group. I'm kind of waiting for one of them to say "Hey, I haven't seen you in church much lately". I don't think they'll be happy with my current decision. But I think that conversation is coming soon - in the next 2-3 weeks. I don't think they'll say well, you can't be a part of the small group, but I do see some of the ties breaking a bit because of something like this.
Monday, May 05, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Church (2)
So around the time that I was maxing out on frustration, a member of my small group went to a worship conference. Now the upshot of this conference, in many ways, is a service that is LESS like what I want. But a piece of what he brought back and talked about was the idea that worship should point you toward God. Every part of worship should point you toward God. I buy that. But I wasn't experiencing it.
We also were reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship. And somehow in there we talked about grace and sacraments and I expressed, for the hundredth time or so, how much I would like to be taking communion every Sunday. How it would be nice to have that sign of Grace every week. Or even twice a week if you wanted it. (Or maybe every day?).
And I woke up one Sunday during Lent (that was NOT the first Sunday of the month) and though "I would really like to take communion today". And then I thought "You can take communion today if you want. Just not at [Church Name]." So I spent a bit of time looking things up online and knowing that most Catholic, Lutheran, and Episcopal churches do communion every week (and knowing that a Catholic service would manage to frustrate me in other ways) and found a service that fit with my time line that morning.
So I went to the Episcopal church down the street. And it was a refreshing and emotional and grace filled service. The music was abysmal. There isn't anyone else in the congregation within 15 years of my age as far as I can tell. You have to figure out when to stand and sit and what words like collect mean. And pay attention to things like crossing yourself and making little crosses on your head and lips and heart. And there are a few memorized responses not written in the BCP. But the preaching was solid. And there was lots of time for self-reflection and prayer. And when I took communion I felt the presence of God. And when I left I wasn't angry.
And the next Sunday when I got up and thought should I go to [Old Church Name] or the Episcopal Church, I found myself driving to the Episcopal church. And the next and the next. And I actually went for Good Friday and Easter Sunday there. In fact, I've only been back to the [Old Church] once, on the first Sunday of last month. And even with communion as part of the service, I left feeling frustrated and empty. So even though today was the first Sunday, I didn't go back.
We also were reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer's book The Cost of Discipleship. And somehow in there we talked about grace and sacraments and I expressed, for the hundredth time or so, how much I would like to be taking communion every Sunday. How it would be nice to have that sign of Grace every week. Or even twice a week if you wanted it. (Or maybe every day?).
And I woke up one Sunday during Lent (that was NOT the first Sunday of the month) and though "I would really like to take communion today". And then I thought "You can take communion today if you want. Just not at [Church Name]." So I spent a bit of time looking things up online and knowing that most Catholic, Lutheran, and Episcopal churches do communion every week (and knowing that a Catholic service would manage to frustrate me in other ways) and found a service that fit with my time line that morning.
So I went to the Episcopal church down the street. And it was a refreshing and emotional and grace filled service. The music was abysmal. There isn't anyone else in the congregation within 15 years of my age as far as I can tell. You have to figure out when to stand and sit and what words like collect mean. And pay attention to things like crossing yourself and making little crosses on your head and lips and heart. And there are a few memorized responses not written in the BCP. But the preaching was solid. And there was lots of time for self-reflection and prayer. And when I took communion I felt the presence of God. And when I left I wasn't angry.
And the next Sunday when I got up and thought should I go to [Old Church Name] or the Episcopal Church, I found myself driving to the Episcopal church. And the next and the next. And I actually went for Good Friday and Easter Sunday there. In fact, I've only been back to the [Old Church] once, on the first Sunday of last month. And even with communion as part of the service, I left feeling frustrated and empty. So even though today was the first Sunday, I didn't go back.
Chuch (1)
So I password protected the blog because I thought I had compromised my pseudonymity... And I still might have, but I hope that it's been long enough that any lurkers have bugged off.
What Now asked for a follow up to trying a new church...
Maybe the place to start is why I was looking for a new church in the first place. When I first moved here I was very Alone for the first month or so that I was here because I moved over Christmas Break and while I spent Christmas with my family, I was here from the 26th - the start of classes almost a month later without really knowing anyone or having any particular duties. It was very isolating. As I was trying churches out I was invited to join a small group for young adults and in the midst of this intense social isolation it was a wonderful place to be. And since I had resolved to develop friendships outside of work, it seemed like a good fit. The small group is my primary social circle and it does a good job of presenting both spiritual and intellectual challenges. Accountability and regular interaction really support my faith journey. I've grown in ways I would never have imagined in the last 3 years. The trouble that I've had since then, is, while the group is a good fit, the church that it is a larger part of is not. I've been on the verge of joining the church and then backed off repeatedly exactly because of that tension.
The church is Presbyterian (PCUSA) and well known in the community for its youth programing and its music ministry. These are true strengths of the church and a way that it really does connect with many in the community. I am a very head oriented participant in church. Liturgy and theology are important to me. I like the ritual of the prayers and creeds. So while the worship service does glorify God, it is perhaps a bit contemporary and removed from ritual for my tastes. I do think that the service meets the needs of the majority of the congregation and it is a far cry from the Praise God and Love Everyone services seen in some churches. In fact, the service so clearly meets the need of the congregation that we are rapidly outgrowing our worship space (1200+ active members) and need to plan for an alternative approach to handling worship on sunday mornings and parking at other times.
In many ways though I don't see distinctively Reformed notions in the sermons. The senior pastor is heavily influenced by Celtic theology (is that a real thing?) and is very focused on the goodness within each of us. As such his sermons leave me unchallenged and I tend to walk out generally feeling good but not really examining and reflecting on my relationship with God. The associate pastor is more conservative (perhaps too far the other direction) but only preaches once a month. Adult christian ed is weak (supposedly because adult christian ed happens in small groups rather than on sunday morning). So many of the things that I connect to in church on Sunday morning aren't there.
I kind of think I could live with many of these things given the support of the small group, but there are also inconsistencies which frustrate me tremendously. In general, the church would rather pay a staff member than use volunteers. But we have trouble with sufficient donations to support the staff. The church defines itself as mission-centered. And yet mission primarily happens outside of town (e.g. rebuilding for Katrina) and when the church could not actually meet its budget this past year, the thing that was cut was the mission budget. The promises that are made when people are baptized or join the church emphasize the relationship to the church not the Church. And while adult christian ed is supposedly happening in small groups, there aren't groups that are open for new members to join.
So earlier this year I hit a point where I was going into worship and getting mad at some point and then not really hearing the rest of worship. Maybe they took out the prayer of confession (during Lent!) so that the choir could sing an extra anthem. Maybe they moved the passing of the peace earlier in the service, making it seem more like a weird way to say hello than an actual portion of the liturgy. Maybe the pastor preached an especially we-should-all-feel-good sermon. Maybe we were asked to donate for a special donation to support something church internal while the prayers and sermons were calling for us to reach beyond the church. Anyway, on balance I was leaving feeling less connected to God than when I entered.
What Now asked for a follow up to trying a new church...
Maybe the place to start is why I was looking for a new church in the first place. When I first moved here I was very Alone for the first month or so that I was here because I moved over Christmas Break and while I spent Christmas with my family, I was here from the 26th - the start of classes almost a month later without really knowing anyone or having any particular duties. It was very isolating. As I was trying churches out I was invited to join a small group for young adults and in the midst of this intense social isolation it was a wonderful place to be. And since I had resolved to develop friendships outside of work, it seemed like a good fit. The small group is my primary social circle and it does a good job of presenting both spiritual and intellectual challenges. Accountability and regular interaction really support my faith journey. I've grown in ways I would never have imagined in the last 3 years. The trouble that I've had since then, is, while the group is a good fit, the church that it is a larger part of is not. I've been on the verge of joining the church and then backed off repeatedly exactly because of that tension.
The church is Presbyterian (PCUSA) and well known in the community for its youth programing and its music ministry. These are true strengths of the church and a way that it really does connect with many in the community. I am a very head oriented participant in church. Liturgy and theology are important to me. I like the ritual of the prayers and creeds. So while the worship service does glorify God, it is perhaps a bit contemporary and removed from ritual for my tastes. I do think that the service meets the needs of the majority of the congregation and it is a far cry from the Praise God and Love Everyone services seen in some churches. In fact, the service so clearly meets the need of the congregation that we are rapidly outgrowing our worship space (1200+ active members) and need to plan for an alternative approach to handling worship on sunday mornings and parking at other times.
In many ways though I don't see distinctively Reformed notions in the sermons. The senior pastor is heavily influenced by Celtic theology (is that a real thing?) and is very focused on the goodness within each of us. As such his sermons leave me unchallenged and I tend to walk out generally feeling good but not really examining and reflecting on my relationship with God. The associate pastor is more conservative (perhaps too far the other direction) but only preaches once a month. Adult christian ed is weak (supposedly because adult christian ed happens in small groups rather than on sunday morning). So many of the things that I connect to in church on Sunday morning aren't there.
I kind of think I could live with many of these things given the support of the small group, but there are also inconsistencies which frustrate me tremendously. In general, the church would rather pay a staff member than use volunteers. But we have trouble with sufficient donations to support the staff. The church defines itself as mission-centered. And yet mission primarily happens outside of town (e.g. rebuilding for Katrina) and when the church could not actually meet its budget this past year, the thing that was cut was the mission budget. The promises that are made when people are baptized or join the church emphasize the relationship to the church not the Church. And while adult christian ed is supposedly happening in small groups, there aren't groups that are open for new members to join.
So earlier this year I hit a point where I was going into worship and getting mad at some point and then not really hearing the rest of worship. Maybe they took out the prayer of confession (during Lent!) so that the choir could sing an extra anthem. Maybe they moved the passing of the peace earlier in the service, making it seem more like a weird way to say hello than an actual portion of the liturgy. Maybe the pastor preached an especially we-should-all-feel-good sermon. Maybe we were asked to donate for a special donation to support something church internal while the prayers and sermons were calling for us to reach beyond the church. Anyway, on balance I was leaving feeling less connected to God than when I entered.
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