Being Programmatic

So I got some pretty bad news about my grant submission last week. The grant was unscored. That means the reviewers deem it to be in the bottom 50% of the grants that they read. It doesn't get talked about. I just get critiques from the reviewers. But since the reviewers view the grant as unfundable, the critiques may be very short and not fully developed and thus hard to respond to. I get one more shot with this idea for this funding agency. So I have to think carefully about going back in with this submission in order to maximize my chances.

As I talk and think about this I think some history is relevant. I did my dissertation with Big Name Gracious Scholar. It was a fantastic experience. He studies the details of the Dewey Decimal system and dabbles in other approaches to card cataloging. But it's safe to say that most of his research is grounded in traditional approaches to card cataloging. My dissertation focused on similar issues but at a slightly more global level - say organization within the whole library rather than organization within a subject area.

Then I took this job. I industriously published my dissertation data and 1 reanalysis of that data. I started a followup study which took about 18 mos in data collection and the analysis/write up is just finishing up. It has the potential for 2 more re-analyses of the extant data (1-2 publications depending...). In the first semester I did a round of readings with 3 students on nontraditional approaches to cataloging. I'm not talking about selecting just a different flavor of organization, but radically different approaches to the whole problem of knowledge organization and retreival. Say instead of an externally imposed organizational system like the Dewey Decimal system, instead a self-organizing system like tagging and ranking of items by users. Presumably over time and with a large number of users you still end up with subject based groups of books and other items. Ultimately you still have a well organized library, but how you come up with the groupings is radically different. And I learned alot.

Out of that, I started three tangential student projects - one on font styles and readability and one contrasting the Dewey Decimal system (external organization) with user tagging as an organizational method(self-organization) and one examining how people come to learn whatever system is in place grounded in the self-organization approach. The compare and contrast project turned into a dissertation I'm co-advising that is moving very slowly (and not likely to be published before I come up for tenure). The font styles one is under review now and the training study is in the final stages of data collection.

In addition I was exposed extensively in a variety of contexts to self-organizing approaches to solving a related problem - say font selection in publishing or coming up with meaningful book titles. And I started thinking about nontraditional approaches to card cataloging. Most of this exposure wasn't directly through things that apply to card cataloguing though. But some people say that the problem of meaningful book names really isn't that different than the problem of organizing books into meaningful retrievable units. And if that's true than my intellectual community isn't as isolated as it feels right now.

But here's the problem. Technically I'm the card catalog person on faculty. And I currently have 2 publications and 1 under review on the dewey decimal system. But I also have 1 publication on the interface between fonts and the classification in the dewey decimal system. And 1 publication on fonts under review. And potentially 1 publication soon on learning to use tags for both book titles and books. And eventually 1-2 publications contrasting these two approaches. And a grant in, that has just be soundly rejected, looking at tagging both in card cataloging and in other knowledge systems not found in libraries - say in the phone system or something very unrelated.

I'm a bit afraid that I look unprogrammatic right now. I think I can right that by tenure time, but I think I'll have to pick an area and get focused soon....

And this has turned into a terribly long post, so I'll write more about what I think my options might be tomorrow.

Bad.

The grant is a revision. Of the original review panel exactly 1 person remains on the roster. And he has to recuse himself due to conflict. Good? or Bad?

Leap Year

As seen on Rev Dr. Mom's. I spent this leap day listening to two very important people give talks and trying to be pleasant and sociable in face of discovering that my grant was unscored. I'm not good with precise memories in that way, but if I look back 4 years....

~February 29, 2004--year before I graduated with my PhD. Probably I was working on my prospectus and teaching. I was living in the midwest so it would have been cold and wet. Spring around the corner

~February 29, 2000--I would have been just finishing up my masters. Living in a major metropolitian city. Doing an applied librarianship post and driving all over town. It was the first time in my masters training when I thought I could perhaps stomach doing this job longer than it took to finish my training. A key professor took me out to breakfast later that year and talked me into a research career instead of a practical careeer though.

~February 29, 1996--In the second year of high school boarding school. On the rocks with my BF at the time. Trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - everyone else seemed to know. It was a tough year.

~February 29, 1992-- 8th grade. Spent in Texas. My family moved a lot.

~February 29, 1988--4th grade, Spent in Louisiana. Which even though it may have really crummy regular public schools actually has fantastic special ed. I had a very good educational experience there.

~February 29, 1984--kindergarten. Kansas. Mrs. Eplee was my teacher. I walked to school. Snow angels. I had slick boots and the alley used to ice over and we'd "skate" down. It was lots of fun.

Freaking Out

So I was under the impression that my major grant was not going to be reviewed until mid-end March. I was just clicking around on Major National Funding Agency's website and discovered that it is actually going to be reviewed tomorrow. At 1pm ET.

The grant is a revision. Of the original review panel exactly 1 person remains on the roster. And he has to recuse himself due to conflict. Good? or Bad?

And my 3rd year review is next week. Do I call the grant officer and see if I can get my scores early? So that they are in for my review? Or is that not done? (It would be a real coup if I have a fundable score on a grant this size by year 3. But it would certainly cast a pall on things if it gets ANOTHER low score). Do I ask, but only tell if it's positive?

I'm very good at faking coolness about these sorts of abstract decisions that are out of my hands. I'm even good at actually feeling cool about it when it is 3-6 months away and I don't know who is on the review panel. So not cool now. Feeling total stomach butterflies.

Grumpiness

I am totally in a grumpy mood today. Here's why:

• It snowed. Again.
• My TAs apparently can't run a review session. Evidence - 2 different students emailed to complain about the quality. One was awful close to a flame. I've had lots of questions emailed about a topic which was simple and basic that apparently got explained in a weird way. They didn't know definitions of basic terms. They knew they were unprepared in advance and didn't tell me.
• On an unrelated topic I have a grading issue to solve because of their lack of communication with a student. On the one hand I should back them up. On the other hand they didn't really communicate well with the student.
• My paper, which has been submitted to our flagship journal for two months, has to have the review coordinated by someone other than the editor in my area because of a conflict of interest. This person has not yet assigned it to an associated editor or reviewers because "she couldn't think of who to assign it to since it isn't her area"....
  
• My photo class was changed from a day about composition to attending a photo lecture the instructor wanted to attend
• I had to ask three times to get back a cord the instructor borrowed from me.
• I'm stressed about packing etc and can't seem to carve out time or get motivated to start the project.
  
• I have no food in the house because I'm moving. But I still have to eat for 3 weeks.

Edited to Add: I made homemade pizza tonight and managed to burn it.... Since that is the only thing that will satisfy my current craving I ordered in pizza and am $20 poorer and just now eating 3 hours after dinner time.

How much do we give up?

The conversation about how difficult it can be to be in academia is making the rounds.

What Now talks about the identity she has as a tenured professor and how she isn't ready to give that up. From there I ended up at Squadratomagico and Highly Magnified, Thoroughly Educated (who actually began the conversation) talking about how being a professor actually can cause you to lose various identities because the work becomes all consuming. So I started thinking about what have I given up to be where I am.

I'm a single woman. Have I given up romantic relationships to be here? Perhaps... But I am not sure they were healthy relationships to start with. Certainly, my desire to date someone who shares my faith and my own quirks interfere at least as much as my job does.

I live far (1500+miles) from my family and see them only a few times a year. Have I given up ties to my family to be here? Yes, I think so - I would certainly visit my new nephew more often if I could drive rather than fly. But maybe not because I can fly fairly inexpensively. And in some ways my career allows me more flexibility to be with family - I was there when my grand mother died and when my aunt was in a coma precisely BECAUSE I work an academic job and could take significant time off as long as it didn't interfere with teaching duties.

What about hobbies? outside interests? I think that I have those. If I worked in a less demanding job I might have more. But I also would probably like my job less.

And then I found this post by propter doc that echoes my own sense more closely I think.

Ranier Marie Rilke writes:

I know your profession is hard and full of contradiction of yourself....I can only ask you to consider whether all professions are not like that, full of demands, full of enmity against the individual, saturated as it were with the hatred of those who have found themselves mute and sullen in a humdrum duty. The situation in which you now have to live is no more heavily laden with conventions, prejudices,and mistakes than all the other situations, and if there are some that feign a greater freedom, still there is none that is itself broad and spacious and in contact with the big things of which real living consists. Only the individual who is solitary is like a thing placed under profound laws and when he goes out into the morning that is just beginning or looks out into the evenings that is full of happening and if feels what is going on there then all status* drops from him as from a dead man though he stands in the midst of sheer life.

I don't see that the trade-offs I'm making are unbearable. And I'm not sure that they would be any different if I worked at any other job that I loved (because any job that I loved would challenge me and that challenge would play out in ways that mean less free time and more job focus). Being a medical doctor or a pastor or a translator or a foreign aid worker are all jobs I would consider seriously or have considered in the past. They all make specific demands and place requirements of one sort another on a person that can be inconvenient. In the meantime, I know these inconveniences. Distance. Mentally consuming. Status driven*. And I think I like the devil I know better than the devil I don't know.

*Maybe the thing I fear the most is becoming hungry for the status academia confers. But that's another post.

Wit & What's left

I just finished a day long seminar on suicide and bereavement counseling through my church. I found the day in the class emotionally taxing. The discussion of adolescent depression and suicide risks and what it is like to be a family member coping with such a situation was very moving. The grief books were presented much more distantly. I know many of the people in class well enough to know that they are dealing more directly with the issues of death and grief than one might hope for in a class of this nature. As we talked very distantly and impersonally about the stages and processes of grief I couldn't help but wonder whether hearing the material was difficult. Whether they were checking in on themselves and where they were with their own grief. You could watch some of the emotions play on people's faces and know that this was a moment of great difficulty and also great comfort. I wonder how the class would have gone differently if we had talked about how the books made us feel instead of talking about the book.

And I came home and what did I find in my mailbox from netflix, but a movie called Wit. Wit is about a single, childless professor diagnosed with ovarian cancer and treated in a teaching hospital. It follows her from initial diagnosis to death and is very moving. On another day I might have cryed my way through it. But the parts that were most difficult to watch were the ones where someone is doing a simple kindness in the cold medical setting. When the nurse puts lotion on the professor's hands. When a former professor comes to visit. If you work in any clinical setting and haven't seen this, you should. A reminder of the humanity of us all. A reminder that we each face our own mortality at some point. I hope I can have the grace that this character has when my time comes. I wonder how her treatment would have gone if people had talked to her and about her as a person rather than about her cancer and to each other.

Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays: Short Stories by Alice Munro

One of my Christmas gifts was a collection of short stories by Alice Munro. I first read a review of this book in the New Yorker (I think) and thought it sounded intriguing. It is beyond intriguing. Another book on perspectives. And in some ways on the hidden lives that we each live. The short stories are actually the perfect length to read before bed - 20 to 30 minutes. And although they are not heavy reading in the sense of the prose, they leave you thinking. Slightly unsettled.

The characters feel as if they are your neighbors next door. People you know and encounter everyday. In some cases your own family members. But the way they interact and behave, the quirks and motivations, the final choices they make for good or bad, never fail to surprise. And make you look at your neighbors in a slightly new way.

With the exception of the first two stories, the stories seem more focused on death than I expected from the title. But fundamentally, ultimately, the stories are about the relationships the characters had in life and how they carry forward as they face their own death or the deaths of others.

I have one more collection of Alice Munro's short stories. Once I move, it will take up residence on my bedside table. A neat sized bite to read before bed when I'm too tired for something longer.

Sunday Food

Early in the week I made my own version of shrimp scampi. Thin noodles. Frozen shrimps. Used up 1/2 n 1/2 that was about to turn, a half glass of white wine left in the bottle, snow peas that were in the fridge for who knows what, and green onions. A very tasty way to clean out the fridge.

I also made lemon pepper chicken. The recipe calls for chicken thighs. I used breasts - that was a mistake. It's much much better with thighs. I wish they sold individual flash frozen boneless skinless chicken thighs just like they do chicken breasts. It would make my life so much easier.

I think since I have the whole day to be of the home I am going to make chili (2/3 of which will go to the homeless shelter) and a shrimp-pasta-pea casserole. I think if I make the casserole ahead of time I might be able to come home and pop it in the oven and eat. It has to cook for 30 min or so and I can't get motivated to MAKE it and COOK it all in one night - I'm too hungry when I get home.

A long Winter

For the third time in two months, sunday morning services are canceled due to weather. In all the time I've lived in the midwest, sunday morning services have been canceled zero times prior to this. We've also had all activities at church canceled 4 other times on a weekday. Several of those times, weather men have predicted that the storm would miss us and then it didn't. I wonder if this is God's way of giving church staff a vacation.

Starting in early October and carrying through to a month ago, this year has been a hard year for our church. The senior pastor lost a parent, as did his wife. A teenager in a prominent family committed suicide - the family was close personal friends with the assoc. pastor and the youth director. Two other young vital church members passed away for various other reasons. The church is also trying to decide whether to build a new building or remodel the old - very controversial topics leading to additional tension. Winter has been long this year. And not just in the snow day sense. I think we are all looking forward to the renewal that comes with Spring.

Valentine's Day

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out. Your heart is open to where ever love takes you! Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking What turns you off: fighting and conflict Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

What Does Your Candy Heart Say?

Reading for Pleasure Wednesdays: Dragon's Fire

Truly pleasure reading - one of the new releases in a series I have followed since I was a teenager. This is a series of books that I go to when I want something familiar and comforting. Something that I know I'll like and won't have to think too hard to get into. Because I've read and reread the Pern books I know and am comfortable with the world (which is incredibly rich, detailed, and scientifically accurate). The perfect antidote to a bad week or an overfull brain.

The thing I have come to value about the Pern series is that Anne McCaffery and now her son Todd have the ability to tell the same story - the exact same events - from multiple equally valid and strong perspectives. I think this process of telling and retelling a story made me come to understand how important it is to understand what each person brings to the table.

As far as this particular book goes, although I generally like Todd McCaffery, I actually think the perspective taking breaks down. There is an odd break in the middle of the book that, if you haven't read the previous book in this time of Pern (Dragon's Kin) you would be completely and totally mystified. I'm not clear on the why the book is split the way it is. At several points details seemed missing and I was actually having trouble following the perspectives. This is unusual and I wonder if future books will be clearer. It is co-written with Anne and I thought at first that perhaps they each wrote half, but the voice stays the same. I am still looking forward to the next two books that Todd collaborates/writes: Dragonharper and Dragonheart. I assume they are all set in the same time but I hope that they are a bit smoother. I am very pleased that Todd is picking up the line of Pern stories - I will continue to look forward to the next one and the next one along the way.

What makes a good dissertation advisor?

I saw this question here and I think it was sparked by the problems Anastasia is having*.

Now, I've got my own experience as a student and the observations of the students who surrounded me at the time to inform my idea of what it means to be a good dissertation director. And since I've been a new asst. professor, I've been in a co-advisor situation with 1 student (which has made me swear off co-advising) and a mentor to two more students whose primary advisor is the same advisor as student 1. Oh, and 1 masters student who abandoned his/her thesis. But I haven't yet supervised a dissertation myself all alone. For the last two years I've been looking for a student to take on, but we haven't had a qualified applicant interested in my subject area. So with that caveat, the question rests on my mind - what makes a good dissertation advisor. And how do I be that person?

The best summary I've seen of different traits is located here. For those not able to go beyond the fire wall it is an article by Nature on Mentoring based on interviews with Mentors. Someone on another blog referred to it in the comments and I read it and I think it is fantastic. Beyond those things that the describe (fostering a professional and scientific community, understanding a continuum of hands on and hands off ness... etc), I think fit with a mentor is important. Someone may be a fantastic mentor to you and a crummy mentor to someone else. And vice versa. So what makes for a good fit?

Similar (but not identical) interests - This seems obvious, but it's much easier to work closely and collaborate with someone on research if the questions they are pursuing are INTERESTING to you. Not necessarily exactly what you do. In fact if they only overlap partially with you, I think it might be easier to establish independence, have a clear distinction between dissertation and previous/collaborative projects, and so forth. If there is no overlap though, it means that it will be hard for the advisor to be up to speed on key points and methods, there will be no way for the advisor to see missing seminal articles or major ideas in the lit review. And it means that the advisor might or might not be as interested in getting things out the door to publication. Working on a close project is more likely to make you a priority and get attention from a busy and distracted advisor.

Resources - Do they have funding? Can they help you find funding? Do they have the time to read and attend to your work? Do they have the emotional resources to be rational about critiques? Can they help you attend conferences? Do they have social captial to introduce you around?

Working style - If they are punctual and you are last minute or you are detail oriented and they are big picture or you are disorganized and they are a neat freak, you will have a harder time. Do they prefer to have so many projects going that they can't keep up? Or do they have myopic focus on a single project to the exclusion of all other ideas and perspectives? Do they prioritize fairness? harmony? safety? rule-following? Do their priorities match or at least complement yours? Your advisor will not be your twin. People with different styles can muddle along. But radically different priorities and styles in the workplace will lead to a much more difficult time all around.

Communication style - I made this be a separate one because I think that clear expectations and communication about what to expect is important. I, for instance, tend to be very direct and blunt in my comments. I can be extremely critical. I'm also effusive in my praise. If you need a warm nurturing person to be your advisor you might do better with someone else. On the other hand, if I had an advisor who sugar coated things; who was less than direct, that person would totally lose my trust. Communication in terms of deadlines, writing critiquing, and verbal organization in meetings can all be important. How do they foster your ideas as you work with them? How do they respond when they see that a mistake has been made? For me this included prompt, precise, clear feedback. Decisiveness. Freedom to work independently until I needed assistance and then as much help as I asked for.

Concern for the whole person - Do they have a life outside of work? Do they understand and respect your own non-doctoral program commitments? Do they demonstrate that they have compassion for family circumstances and personal crises in addition to professional deadlines and development? Training can be all consuming. Both a model for and permission to have a life is good.

Professionalism - I'm not sure if this is distinct from communication style but I think recognizing that this is a professional environment with professional expectations is key. It encompasses a variety of things for me. There will be boundaries between me as a faculty and you as a student. Respect. Show up for meetings. Work hard. No yelling at people. No harrassment. Concern for the whole person doesn't mean I'm going to be your counselor or best friend.

In your best interests - It's best to be working with someone who you believe is looking out for your best interests at all times. There may be times when your best interest isn't clear or when your best interest is wrapped up in things that are also your advisor's best interest (e.g. getting a grant that will fund both you and your advisor), but if you don't have this trust, it will be a long hard slog. One thing I truly valued about my advisor was that whatever recommendation he made for me (from jobs to projects, to writing advice) he was always trying to help me be the best scientist I could be in all ways. Even if he was wrong, the fact that I could trust his motives was a tremendous boost to dealing with the situation. For me this also included an understanding that this person would hold me to high expectations. For others it might mean they will work to get you through as quickly as possible to accommodate a child being born or a spouse moving on or assist with flexible timing of deadlines to allow for a combination of work and school or need to travel to care for family needs.
I should be quick to point out here that many people don't deserve such trust for many reasons. I am not advocating blind trust. But entering into a relationship where you know trust is lacking seems crazy to me. Some are truly selfish and self-centered and willing to throw the student under the bus to save themselves; some are unaware, clueless about others and not interested in their students' welfare; some are not in a place at the moment - for whatever
personal or professional reason - to place the student first in priority.

*This is emphatically not a comment on Anastasia's situation - more my own reflection on my own situation.

Class Planning Frustration

In the middle of teaching class this week I thought of a fantastically improved layout of the material for the class. Big picture reorganization rather than individual lecture reorganization.
Unfortunately it involves taking the material of weeks 1-3 (which I've already taught) and redistributing that material throughout the material in weeks 4-8 (which I haven't taught yet). It won't help this term's class but hopefully will improve future classes. I think the students will find the info clearer, more straightforward and coming at them in bites the size they can more easily digest.

Essentially weeks 1-3 are theory. Weeks 4-8 are application problems. Reorganization is teaching content/data in week 4 with theory 1 & 2. Week 5, more practice on theory 2, introduce theory 3, and teach content data from week 5. This should lead to more problem sets. Teaching theories 1 or 2 at a time instead of in one fell swoop and giving the students the hooks to apply the theories to. No text books are organized this way, but I think it will work.

I keep trying to figure out how to apply this insight into this class's material but it seems not possible if we are still going to cover all material. How frustrating!

This Week's Meals

This week was strange because it was filled with Blizzards and Job Searches. I actually ate out quite a bit and rather sucked at doing the dishes and keeping the kitchen clean once the work week started. On the other hand, other than coffee cups there wasn't much in my dish pile. Nonetheless, the kitchen is spotless now, so I'm starting fresh again.

Saturday: Roast Chicken, Roasted Potatoes, Frozen Veggies
Sunday: Roast Chicken Chimichangas --> Good, but too spicy. Leave out green chilis next time. Quick because of Sat's dinner. I ate/used as leftovers the thighs from a grocery store pre-roasted chicken and frozen vegetables. I used the breast meat from that chicken for this recipe and thus did very little cooking.
Question for the blogosphere: what to do with leftover Queso Fresco?
Monday: Leftovers from Sat & Sun for Lunch and Dinner respectively.
Tuesday: Lunch w/ Candidate; Dinner: Leftovers from Sun.
Wednesday: Lunch: Leftover Apricot Porkchops Dinner: Tomato Soup (from freezer) and Cheese Toast. The tomato soup is EASY and QUICK to make. Doubles well. And freezes well. I make it much more often once I got an immersion blender - much less of a mess than using a real blender to puree hot soup. Usually I make Ham & Cheese Scones to go with it for the fresh batch and then do Cheese toast for reheated rounds.
Thursday: Lunch w/ Candidate; Dinner from local coop - Palak Paneer & Curried Squash. My favorite meal from their deli and something I haven't figured out how to make on my own yet.
Friday: Lunch - Sandwich from coffee shop located between meeting 1 and meeting 2 (eaten during meeting 2); Dinner: Take & Bake Chicken Artichoke Pizza & Wine & Chocolates.
Saturday: Lunch - Leftover Pizza; Dinner French Toast with Ice Cream and Raspberries and Nuts (Ice Cream was mostly because I didn't have any whip cream).

Hopefully next week will be a little more lowkey and will help me to get back on track. Definately I have to make chili before Sunday. I am not sure what else I might make. Maybe chicken caccatori? Maybe something italian. I have to make a plan tomorrow so I can shop between church and

Over Stimulated? Over scheduled!

This week I met with 2 job candidates (who were both fantastic), went to 1 prospectus defense (also wonderful), had 2 conference calls (both very productive), advised two students about jobs and conference papers, taught twice (and was snowed out once), observed my TA teach once (she's awesome), went to a business meeting for an interdisciplinary group on campus (amazingly on topic for this group), ran lab meeting, attended 1 faculty meeting, spent Tuesday night on the phone with various people gushing about election results, attended our departmental colloquium (guest speaker, yeah!), helped see 1 subject (3 more canceled due to snow), met with an RA to design stimuli for a new project. And a few more things, I'm sure. The key point is I spent no time alone or in my office from 8-5 most days this week excepting office hours.

This is an unusually scheduled week for me. And on top of being heavily scheduled, it was very people oriented. Everything went really well. Everyone seemed mostly on the ball. But I came out of it feeling just a slight bit done with talking to people. Usually I get together with people tonight and I ended up declining. I have no special plans for this weekend (until church on Sun morning and small group Sun night). I'm tempted to attend a different church on Sunday just so that I can really not talk to anyone until Sun night (I won't for a variety of reasons, but it's tempting!).


Next week I am promising myself that Tuesday midday and Thursday all day are remaining free for ME time. (ME time = research writing projects, data analysis, and non-other-people-meetings).

I really am an introvert.

Imposter Syndrome: New York Times

The NY times has an article about Imposter Syndrome - something I've talked about and read about quite a lot here in the blogosphere
Psychology - Imposter Syndrome - Feeling Like a Fraud - New York Times

Social psychologists have studied what they call the impostor phenomenon since at least the 1970s, when a pair of therapists at Georgia State University used the phrase to describe the internal experience of a group of high-achieving women who had a secret sense they were not as capable as others thought. Since then researchers have documented such fears in adults of all ages, as well as adolescents.

Imposter syndrome seems to be gender specific. The article reports that women are more likely to do this than men. And that this syndrome leads to a higher degree of competition - a sense of not wanting to fail - an over compensation if you will.

Two Purdue psychologists, Shamala Kumar and Carolyn M. Jagacinski, gave 135 college students a series of questionnaires, measuring anxiety level, impostor feelings and approach to academic goals. They found that women who scored highly also reported a strong desire to show that they could do better than others. They competed harder.

By contrast, men who scored highly on the impostor scale showed more desire to avoid contests in areas where they felt vulnerable. “The motivation was to avoid doing poorly, looking weak,” Dr. Jagacinski said.

The interesting finding, to me, is that with an audience people tend to understimate their abilities and that without one, people tend to overestimate. So Imposter Syndrome is a response to being judged. Being noticed. Not a personality trait, and not necessarily a true reflection of abilities.

In short, the researchers concluded, many self-styled impostors are phony phonies: they adopt self-deprecation as a social strategy, consciously or not, and are secretly more confident than they let on.

“Particularly when people think that they might not be able to live up to others’ views of them, they may maintain that they are not as good as other people think,” Dr. Mark Leary, the lead author, wrote in an e-mail message. “In this way, they lower others’ expectations — and get credit for being humble.”

Okay, I can see that. It's all about managing expectations. But at the same time, how is that even in pseudonymous blogs we, as women, tend to project a profound lack of confidence about our abilities. (Not that there isn't an audience in a blog... but not in the same way. Not in the way that someone can actually evaluate your abilities on whatever it is that you have described about yourself). I wonder how the need to compete - the need to prove yourself - plays out differently in individuals who have been encouraged to have self confidence and speak up for themselves and those who have been encouraged to be self-effacing. How does self-effacement change the expectations that we set for ourselves and the goals we try to acheive? How much more could we accomplish if we gave up saying we were incompetent and just did it?


Okay, I can see that. It's all about managing expectations.

Super Tuesday

Oh my goodness. I do have a preference, but things are so very very close that it's driving me nuts. I just want to know. Even if it's not who I want, I'd like a clear winner. Everything's close and this proportional vote thing might be fair but it means that actually counting delegates is hard (even though the tv is trying). Precise numbers are needed to really count. I'm glad to see that the main division in the dems is a generational divide and not a racial one and I hope that continues to be true tomorrow and into the future. I hope that the dems continue to hang together and this doesn't turn bitter or abrasive in a way that splits the party. I'm hopeful because everyone I've spoken to seems to be talking about how tough it was to pick. Because they all were good.

The one good thing is that the republicans seem to be still hashing it out too. I wonder if a McCain/Huckabee ticket would crash and burn or would reunite the republican party.

Why do you teach [Applied Library Science] and how is academic freedom important to that effort?

As usual, I'm a little late to the party. I'm responding to a meme started by Dr. Crazy and continued by many many people who are mostly all listed here. Like Dr. Freeride the reasons why I teach vary according to the class itself.

My course load* consists of Introduction to Information Systems from a Users perspective - A large undergraduate survey course that is required for our major and also meets gen ed requirements, Advanced Applied Card Cataloging - a highly applied graduate course that is an elective and is outside my major research focus**, and Intro to Applied Librarianship - a graduate class that every student has to take in conjunction with their first practicum experience in a library. I teach the didactic part; their supervisors teach the applied part. Every other year I teach a graduate seminar on a topic of my choice, usually theoretical epistomology.

One answer which would be flip and not entirely true (but not entirely false) is that I teach because it is a job requirement and necessary in order for me to be employed in a way that allows me to do my research***.

Introduction to Information Systems from a Users perspective
This is a survey course and basically I get to spend 1-2 weeks on each major topic and by the end I feel like everyone knows just enough about everything to be dangerous. My unique stamp on this course is that I use it to introduce students to ways of thinking about things. I think (I hope?) that our understanding of how individuals develop mental structures to store information and access/apply that information in everyday life will change as these students continue through their professional lives. With that in mind, what I really want students to learn in this class is how to be good consumers of information. There are a few key things that I think they need to learn (because if they don't they'll be clueless in the future and it will reflect badly on our program) but really I want them to learn to approach research and research design well and be good consumers of information so that they can design useful ways of delivering that information in whatever format it is in.

Academic freedom is important in this class because it allows me to choose how to deliver the material (as lecture/as research articles) and choose which epistomology theories I want to highlight. I'd have a hard time teaching some theories with a straight face.

Advanced Applied Card Cataloging - In principle this is the 2nd course students take in this area, but in reality the only students who take it are those who haven't satisfied the requisite number of organizational classes in their undergrad. A few students do just love the topic and enroll though. The students are in their final semester of classes so they think they know what they need to know and want you to only teach them those things.

So I have a real mix of students and abilities and interest levels in this class. We do lots of problem sets. Where would you shelve THIS book? Given these filing numbers from an unknown library, discern the cataloging system being used and apply it to a new item. I truly teach this because it's assigned to me. I try to teach the students to see patterns more than anything else. When I have the opportunity I try to stretch them to think about things that they might not NEED to know, but will allow them to think in more flexible ways or approach a cataloging problem in a creative manner.

I'm not sure how academic freedom influences this class. It's something I just do and the current state of the theory is such that I just present it and they practice til they can do it. It's like elementary math - practice, practice, practice! Perhaps if this were actually the 2nd class for these students and/or they had an instructor who specialized in this area it would be less practice and more theory oriented and this would all matter. I'll have to puzzle over this a bit more.

Intro to Applied Librarianship This class is probably the one in which academic freedom matters the most to me. I was given a list of (rather disjointed) topics to cover and I organized them into as sensible a manner as I could imagine. Basically it's a class for everything that people think the students need to know but don't actually want to cover in their own classes.

Academic freedom allows me to emphasize things like, say selection of library materials and materials organization, over more practical information like, sharing materials with users. Again, it means I can put my own spin on the details and can help students to approach problems in a variety of ways. I'm still refining this class, but I do think that this class, of all of them, is the one that I've put my own stamp on. I try very hard to stick with the topics I'm supposed to cover but at the same time I try to stretch it to highlight the areas I think are important.


*I am clearly not a real librarian and I am making these course titles up. I am not sure if this cover really works, but it is what it is.

**Someone more senior than me teaches both the required and elective courses that are immediately in my area.

***As I read over the posts about why teaching, I realize that I'm very much in the right place for me - a research intensive university where I can expect my teaching to reduce as I get grants. I don't have the passion for it that others seem to. That said, I try to be good at it and constantly improving. And I do have clear ideas of what I want students to know and be able to do at the end of my courses, even if I am not passionate about the process. I take lots of ideas from other teachers - like how to effectively use small groups to support discussion, giving regular/limited feedback on writing up in a large class, speed dating for research proposals, and use of in class problem sets/examples. Nonetheless I struggle to create chemistry in a classroom and would just as soon skip the whole process if I could.

Jan Goals - Recap

Since it's snowing so hard that I can't make it to the super bowl party I had planned to attend, it seems like a good time to claim for catching up on blogs and self reflection.

I made some progress on Jan. goals - all the teaching preparation ones and one of the writing ones got checked off. The other writing one was too big to be managable so I've broken it into smaller bits. Hopefully I can cross off two smaller bits this month and then the rest will fall into place. Unfortunately the data collection and personal ones lagged a bit. The MS student bailing and lack of clarity on data interpretation for the collaborative project really mean I won't be taking anything to the intimate summer conference in the upper midwest. But I should have tons for the national convention in the fall. Such is life.

I was fantastic at menus and groceries and dishes while classes were on break but not at all good once things started. I made homemade mac & cheese, apricot pork chops, white bean, sausage, & spinach caserole, tilapia with curry sauce, and a winter squash soup. And I also ate stuff in the freezer - chicken cacciatore and raviolis. The tilapia was unexpectedly fantastic; the apricot pork chops I won't be making again - they were dull. I've still been eating well since school started because I had enough stuff in the freezer, but I haven't been restocking it at all. And this last week I drifted amazing close to junk (apple caramel bites from sonic) even though I had stuff for a crock pot meal at home. Hopefully I'm back on top of things this week since I went shopping and have stuff for roast chicken chimichangas, chicken caccatore and tilapia with orange glaze. I wonder if Sunday posts on upcoming/completed meals would be a fun way to keep motivated. I divided this all up into weekly to dos because again, monthly it's easy to loose track of what needs done.

The personal ones happened for the most part - my photo class has begun and I'm being more creative; I've been volunteering semi-weekly with the local homeless shelter; I did better about being in touch with far flung friends. But I think the weekly phone calls/regular letters to someone were the toughest to accomplish and will be the hardest to keep up. It's not that I don't want to connect with these people but our schedules seem not to overlap as much as I'd like.

So I've added in an updated list for feb. And I'm starting the month with a clean slate. Hopefully I can get through most of it. I'm skeptical a bit because we have a search on and feb. is short. But I'll try. And some is better than none.